"I Like My Steaks Bloody."

Glass Half Full

2012-02-13T03:34:00.000-08:00

On-point as always. Do you.

"She's cute! I like her!"

2012-02-13T03:22:00.001-08:00

Me too, Jacks. Me too.

Practice.

2012-02-09T04:20:00.000-08:00

It's been an intense month. I promised myself I would blog more this year, but so far I haven't been doing such a swell job. But, here I am, 21 minutes past the hour, in the one place where I can truly put it down.

Time and love are both fleeting, and lately I haven't had much of either. Already we're a month into winter quarter, and I've little to show for the body of work which I've managed to produce thus far. My most recent endeavor of the heart, which was completely unexpected and perhaps a little more risky than I'm used to, has left me between a rock and a hard place. I've also discovered that my cousin is soon to be married, with a newborn child on the way; it seems like just yesterday that we were barely tall enough to ride the roller coasters, waking up early every summer morning just to play video games. Where has it all gone?

I suppose you can say that all of this has me somewhat bent out of shape. The crushing agony of a one-night-stand, shots of clear liquor, bad tan lines, bonfires on the beach, trips to the city, and mostly, the spontaneity of it all; all of these things, both wondrous and humbling, have come rushing back to me in the past week or so. They remind me that I am only human. That I can feel, that I can cry, that I can be on top of the world one night and hit rock-bottom the next. In a way, it's a good sensation.

I've been sitting here for the past half hour or so, watching Youtube videos of songs from a not-too-distant past. I struggled mightily to fight the tears, yet they still filled my eyes. They reminded me of how far I've come from past adversity, and also reminded me of how much more I have to go until I finally get "there". Who knows if I'll ever reach it? But that's the beauty of human nature, is it not? There is no "end", no true destination; there is always room for improvement, never a dull moment. This is life's way of keeping you on your toes. I feel like I've become a pretty good dancer over the years, if you catch my drift.

In retrospect, I sometimes wonder whether or not it was worth it, every risk I ever took. What if I had never let her into my bed, much less my heart? What if I had worked harder to keep in touch with some of the people I've lost? What if I had never told one of my closest friends of three-plus years the way I feel about her? But then I think to myself: if I had never taken these chances, I would never have learned from these experiences, and I wouldn't be the man that I am today. At times, I admit, it gets frustrating to do a little introspection only to find that despite the risks I've taken, I'm still lonely at the end of the day, but all of that is assuaged when I remind myself that it's the journey, not the destination, that makes it all worthwhile.

I've since adopted a motto: "If you're unhappy with your life, you're either not taking enough risks or taking too many." So far, so true. While I can't say that I'm completely happy with the way things have turned out thus far, neither can I say that I'm unhappy. I believe that I've found a balanced medium, and while I won't stay content forever, at the very least I'll have a solid footing on which to further continue my journey. Let's see where this takes me; I hope I brought the right shoes.

Time, work your magic.

By Chance,

2012-01-24T03:28:00.001-08:00

Call it luck, coincidence, or whatever else you want to, but something deep inside is telling me that it's real, and it's worth a shot.

You'll never know unless you try, right?

Can't be wrong.

2012-01-14T04:39:00.000-08:00

Sitting here. On my bed. It's 4:41 A.M., and once again, I find myself wondering, "Why the hell am I still awake?!". So much for becoming a morning person. I guess I'll start with a recap of recent events, something that I haven't done for awhile, at least not chronologically and in great detail. I honestly don't even know where to start, so I guess we'll begin with today...well, technically "yesterday" now that it's past midnight.

I woke up sometime around 1 P.M. today after getting some much-needed sleep following an arduous first week of winter quarter and working closing shifts right after my classes. Having three weeks off for Christmas break and being able to come into work each and every day feeling bubbly and refreshed was a nice change of pace, but I've really forgotten what its like to pull a 12+ hour day until this weekend. Luckily for me, work hasn't been all that bad lately; this week has been a rather slow week due to the weather getting a little bit colder, so I was able to smoothly ease myself back into the groove of working. I expect it to be getting much busier in a week or two once it warms up.

Anyway, I didn't even roll out of bed until nearly 2 P.M. My parents were gone once again, so I reheated some leftover pastries and enjoyed them on the couch, still in my PJs, stretching and yawning as I munched on them while watching NFL Network. About half an hour later I brushed my teeth - and this is unusual for me, because unlike western culture, Asians (or at least Vietnamese people) brush their teeth first, and then they eat breakfast. For the past month or so I've been breaking the mold and eating breakfast prior to brushing, and I have to admit that it just plain makes sense. Why would you brush your teeth first if they're only going to get dirty again?! Not to mention that everything tastes gross with the aftertaste of toothpaste still in your mouth...

After brushing up, my parents came home, and asked if I wanted to go to Santana Row for dinner before I go to work later that night, and of course, I can never refuse dinner with my parents. I spent about an hour playing Battlefield 3, going 25-6 as I sat in an M1 Abrams for most of the round, earning 2 Combat Efficiency ribbons and a total score of somewhere close to 20,000 points for the round. I then showered and left to get gas, and then met up with my parents after that. We decided to eat at Left Bank, a restaurant that I pass by every day but never really had a chance to try. Despite working on The Row, I always feel underdressed and out-of-placed whenever I'm there, but nonetheless, we had quite a satisfying dinner, if I may say so myself. Worth the high price that comes with dining at an upscale, trendy restaurant? Probably not, but it was nice.

Work was typical, if not a little slow. I'm gradually recognizing more and more of the regulars that come in. I love the look on a customer's face when I greet them with familiarity, especially if it's my first time doing so to them; they always give me a stifled smile and a look as if to say, "Oops, I know that I come here way too often, this is my guilty pleasure, but it's just so good!". Despite it being a somewhat underwhelming day as far as our sales went, the big-ballers definitely showed up tonight: our tip jar was overflowing, and I received two $5 personal tips, which has never happened to me before tonight. Of course, for the sake of fairness, I put the bills back into the tip jar. But still, it was a nice gesture.

After work, I gave my coworker and friend Bernie a ride home since he didn't have one, and since he lives in Milpitas and I hadn't been there for awhile, I decided to go for a brief, yet relaxing cruise around town after dropping him off. There's something about this city that captivates me...but only at night. Something about driving down Main St., past the library, looking at the rows of bright white lamps on either side, the sleek navy-blue and orange street signs at the intersections (which are much neater than the boring green ones that we have), the tranquility and calmness of it all...I just don't get that feeling anywhere else. I don't think there's a place in San Jose that I can go to and drive, and feel as relaxed as I do driving around Milpitas. That, and the 680 at night.

And here I am, five hours later, still awake, listening to acoustics as my eyes begin to close, a melody and a heart full of hope to lull me to sleep, anticipation for what tomorrow may bring. I would stay awake, but I kind of like sleeping. It's only in my dreams that this has already come true, and nothing feels sweeter than that single moment in which you first regain consciousness after a deep slumber and you're awake, but at the same time incapable of making the distinction between dreams and reality. In that moment, these sheets have never felt warmer. In that moment, you are mine.

Until then, I'll stay dreaming.

Slight Work.

2012-01-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

Finally got around to installing a couple of things for my baby.

With the help of my buddy Vikram, my HIDs were successfully installed a few days before the new year. I'm really pleased with the color as well as the light output, and I'm definitely glad that I went with 5000K rather than 6000K. About a week later, I finally got around to installing the intake, and after a few hours and an extra set of helping hands from my dad, the car was up-and-running and sounding meaner than ever, with a low, deep growl emitting every time I open up the throttle. Not to mention that it looks kinda nice, too; my mom walked by the garage as my dad and I were working on the car, pointed to the intake, and asked, "What is that? It looks pretty."

I've got a whole lot of plans for her in the future, but for now, I'm rather content with the work I've put in ever since I picked her up nearly a year and a half ago. Yet for some reason, despite all the time I've invested in her lately (I spent nearly two hours washing her last week and was late to picking up my friend), I haven't felt the desire or urge to drive fast anymore. I went up to the hills a few nights ago after work; my parents had once again gone to a party, and it seemed as if everyone was having fun doing their own thing. I just wanted a little "me" time, and normally, this would have involved double-clutching, rev-matching, kicking her into a lower gear and letting her roar as I rip through the corners and curves. That night, though, I just couldn't get into it.

I don't know what's going on. Why put all this time and effort into something if you fail to benefit from it? But maybe there's more to it. And I know I said that 2012 would be "my" year, and as much as I'm trying not to be a debbie downer, something has been different lately. I'll be fine; just give me a few moments to get used to all of these changes.

-Off to class

Rise.

2012-01-07T04:12:00.000-08:00

I'm a week late. But better late than never, right?

4:12 A.M. Not an unfamiliar time of the day for me by any means, but the circumstances in which I'm surrounded have certainly been strange as of late. I feel as if I've missed out on so much lately: friends I haven't seen for months, my future passing before my eyes, the spirit of the holidays nowhere to be found. Ironically, I didn't feel festive at all until after Christmas had passed, and even that was fleeting; by New Years Eve, I was my old self again, circa 2010, and I had spent the passing of yet another year entrapped in my room, sitting in front of a computer screen, wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.

I was never one to make New Years resolutions. I was never able to keep them, at least not for more than a month or so. This year is a little different. I've made several so far. One involves spending more time with my family; I'm literally out for 12+ hours a day, from the moment I leave my house at 9:50 A.M. for class every morning until I walk through my front door, oftentimes around midnight or perhaps even later, dead tired from work, only to find that my mother had fallen asleep watching TV on the couch, waiting for me to come home. It kills me a little inside, every single time.

I've also taken it upon myself to take more risks. While it may sound cliché, just think about it: how many moments have passed you by, how many opportunities have you missed in the past? Perhaps it was that one person who caught your eye, but whom you never worked up the nerve to say "hi" to. Was it time lost with your loved ones, moments that they will hold forever but you will never know, all because you were too "busy" to spend time with them? Or maybe its that thing, you know, that one thing that you told yourself you'd do someday, but never got around to. That road trip you never went on, the hike that you never took, or even the little things. For instance, I made a vow to "train" myself to become a morning person by going to bed and waking up earlier, and so far, so good; I woke up at 11 A.M. yesterday morning, which is impressive, considering that I normally don't get out of bed until 3 P.M. on days that I don't have class. (Of course, the fact that my restless self is still awake at this very moment just ruined any and all of the progress that I've made.)

Last, but not least, I want to be more open - about myself, my opinions, my emotions, everything. What's ironic is that I used to be an incredibly open person, to the point where I would feel left-out and was even ostracized because I had the tendency to speak my mind in all but the most dire of circumstances. I suppose nobody really wants to know how I feel, 24/7. Since those days, I've bottled up most of the thoughts and feelings that have coursed throughout my body and soul, and nobody really knows much of what's up with me anymore.

These are all things that are going to change, in due time.

Like I said, I've never been one to make resolutions for New Years. This year, though, there's something different. A change in the air. It's electric. I feel as if I've made more progress in the past month than I did over the 11 months of the year that came before that, and it's great. And as much as it scares me to think of what the future might bring, I simply cannot wait to tackle this year head-on and see what is has to offer me, savoring every last moment, good or bad. 2012 will be a breakout year for me. That, I promise to you, and to myself.

That's all for now. I'm going hiking later today. Pz.

Sometimes it helps to be reminded that you're only human.

2011-12-19T05:20:00.001-08:00

Primacy.

2011-12-12T04:37:00.000-08:00

Another late night on this end. What's new?

Well, I'll tell you what's new. This quarter is almost over, that's a relief. I still can't believe how quickly time has flown; twelve weeks is really shorter than it sounds. I'm wide awake, as usual, only instead of cramming for finals like so many of my colleagues are doing, I'm instead practicing the art of introspection, shining lights into places that perhaps shouldn't be explored. I've been fortunate enough to have myself a relatively light workload this week: I have class in the morning for about two hours (listening to presentations, mostly), then leisure time for myself for the next couple of days. Following that, it's two hours of class on Wednesday morning, where I'll again be sitting through presentations. Wrap it all up with two mid-day finals on Friday and a week-ending closing shift, and then I'm relieved of these burdens for the rest of the year.

I know the week has just begun, but all this free time has me thinking. What's in a year? Laughter, joy, heartache, tears, smiles. Maturation and growth. Only to me, I'm fearful that the type of change I've undergone during the latter pat of the year haven't exactly been fulfilling. Lately I've loved no one but myself; I suppose that isn't a total sin, because after all, I work hard, and I feel I should have a little something to show for it. Still, I can't help but feel that perhaps there's one too many chips on my shoulder, too many scars, remnants of past burns. It's such a shame that picking at scars and scabs is so fun, since doing so never seems to do much good.

Recently, I gave a presentation on the type of relationship that I share with my siblings. I'll admit it, I BS'ed most of it, as any crafty college student would do. In the limited amount of research that I actually did, however, I found an article stating that one of the keys to a healthy relationship with a sibling is to not compare yourself to who they are or your achievements to theirs. Immediately upon reading this, I realized two things: one, that this is absolutely what I do, and two, that this is true not only of your relationship with your siblings, but your relationship with, well, pretty much anybody.

And so often do I look at others surrounding me, often with adoring eyes, both amazed yet envious and what they've achieved and how far they've come, only to look down at my own two feet and realize that I've only taken baby steps. In many ways, this fuels me. That chip on my shoulder? It's knowing that there's someone out there who has a better job than me, goes to a better school, makes more money, drives a nicer car, walks and talks taller than I can. This is what fuels me to wake up every day and put in work, day in and day out, in hopes that the fruits of my labor will blossom soon. But sometimes, I just want to slow it down.

And on that note, I stifle my thoughts for another day. To be continued.

'tis the season for packages...

2011-12-05T17:26:00.000-08:00

I love getting things in the mail.

One step at a time.

2011-12-05T01:56:00.001-08:00

Damn, and I'm already giddy.

Sweetness.

2011-11-23T04:19:00.000-08:00

My, where has all the time gone...it seems just like yesterday that I was cruisin' through the city, car stuffed to the brim with friends, food, and the miscellaneous junk that the typical teenage girl has laying around in her whip. We chased horizons and snuck up on sunsets, and light found its way into every crevice and cranny. And now, everything seems to have faded into darkness.

Since I started school at the end of September, I've also started working part-time again, racking up more hours a week than I ever did in the past year, and while most days its just business as usual, last night was more "serendipitous" than most. Upon clocking in, I was met with a man hovering near the back door of the store, watching our every move like a hawk eying its prey; I suppose corporate decided that it was as appropriate a day as ever to send one of their suits to our store to see whether or not we were meeting our standards. Luckily, he was out of there within an hour or so, but not before bidding us good tidings for the holidays, to which we warmly wished him the same. I also had the impression that he saw something that piqued his interest. Am I getting too far ahead of myself here? Stop me before I consider the possibili...oh, too late.

Midway through my shift and shortly after the daily slam had started to hit us, the line going out the door and all, I gleefully stepped up to the counter-top and called out, "Next party in line!", to which I was graced with the presence of a being so captivating that I simply couldn't help but let my lips crack into a faint yet gentle smile as I spoke with her. I took note of her unusual appearance: a classy yet casual peacoat, a nose ring that would have looked like a fashion disaster on any other girl, teal peak-a-boos accenting her playfully shoulder-length & slightly unkempt hair (but not in a "wow-you-went-out-looking-like-THAT?" way) that seemed to perfectly compliment her in ways indescribable. It isn't often that I'm fortunate enough to have the luxury of helping a customer so pleasing to the eyes, and naturally, I let myself experiment and play a bit throughout the process, seeing if my warm words and genuine compassion would be reciprocated - and they were. And just like that, my night became a little less cold and a little more bright. It's amazing what a pretty face and a nice smile can do.

Later that night, I was visited by an old friend, who saw me working and decided to drop in and say hi. I'm surprised that she recognized me after all these years; actually, I'm surprised that she remembers me at all. And while the visit was mostly pleasant, I only wish that she hadn't brought up "that" incident which occurred some five months ago. Sometimes, the world has a funny way of reminding you of things which you desperately want to forget. It's as if its telling you something. But what? If only I knew.

Life may get me feeling pretty down-in-the-dumps every now and then, but there's always a reason to get up every morning and keep on. Sometimes, doing you is the hardest thing to do in the world, but in the end, there's no greater feeling.

The sun is finally shining again. I think its time for some pictures soon. Until then, dreams will have to do.

Cognitive Dissonance

2011-11-15T03:24:00.000-08:00

My mind is in disarray. My senses are blurred. I feel as if I've been overcome by something, although I don't quite know what. Nights grow restless and I don't have the same pep and enthusiasm that I used to have waking up every morning, eager for a brand new day. It's been an odd couple of months. I probably appear desperate to some people. Maybe I am, who knows. It's been so long since I've gotten anywhere with anyone, and this burn inside my chest only grows day by day. I don't know what I want from you anymore. I need to dip.

Good Fortune.

2011-11-13T05:10:00.000-08:00

Just my luck. I would get a date the day after I write an incredibly long-winded post about my past affairs.

Maybe I should complain more often.

Members Only.

2011-11-12T03:41:00.000-08:00

Why am I still awake?

I was going to rant about how I (almost) came to the conclusion that all women are fickle creatures who are afraid of commitment, but then I realized that I know better than that. I guess I'm just frustrated with the way things have been going with the ladies as of late. Among the four or five objects of my affection over the past half a year or so, one only wanted sex, one never wanted sex, another was much too needy and overly obsessive, and the others all kind of just...moved on. Call me cocky (I call it confidence), but I'm just not used to striking out so often and so frequently. It's a different feeling, for sure. I'm also usually not this open about my current state of affairs, but its not like anyone reads this thing, anyway.

I haven't picked up my camera since...who knows when. School and work has consumed most of my time, and whatever time I have left over is spent huddled over textbooks, trying to get a head-start on the next week's assignments, bracing myself for a 24 hour+ workweek and being out and about for 12+ hours a day. At least the pay is (marginally) better than what I was making earlier in the year, and the people are friendly. I've made a lot of friends in a few of my classes. I feel as if I'm getting close to a breakthrough. I have no idea what I'm talking about or hinting at, but I just feel as if something big is around the corner.

I've seen her three...maybe four times in the past few weeks. Salt in the wounds. This bitch has the nerve to sweet-talk me, lead me to believe that she was genuinely interested in who I am as a person when all she really wanted was a little unf. It still stings, you know. Oddly, though, if it weren't for that one night, I don't think I ever would have become as open as a person as I am now. Sometimes I wonder if I've lowered my standards or reduced my moral and ethical well-being. At the end of the day, though, it's all in good fun. No one has to get hurt, and that's okay with me.

Being on campus after dark sure brings back memories. As the sun sinks below the terraces and the cheap, dingy amber-yellow lamps flicker to life, I can't help but mentally transplant myself back to last fall. My first quarter of college. I was a lost kid at the time, as many people were when they first began life after high school, but if there was some comfort to be found on that cold, dreary campus, it was in seeing her and knowing that someone else out there is in the same shoes. I would often linger near the door prior to and after class, and especially during breaks, hoping to get a glimpse of this stranger who at the same time carried with her an aura of familiarity, something that made me feel at home away from home. Day by day, I would look at her with endearing adoration, hoping for a chance at conversation; the day that we passed by each other and exchanged brief yet fervent smiles was perhaps one of the most blissful days of college I've had so far.

Too bad I didn't know that that was a "I wanna fuck your fucking brains out, let's fucking DO IT already" smile, and not a "Let's be friends, get to know each other, see if we can make something happen" smile.

My biggest quandary this summer was that an amazingly attractive girl wanted to have sex with me, and I didn't want to put out. First world problems, for sure. 

Sometimes I wonder if I play hard-to-get or if I'm just plain hardheaded.

I really need to get some sleep.

winter kills

2011-11-07T02:24:00.000-08:00

Well, what a weekend I've had.

Finding out that you're allergic to something is never fun, especially when you have to find out the hard way. Fuck you, crustaceans.

On the bright side, I did get a lot of shit done. Cut my hair. Got my paid. Did some lightweight maintenance on my car. Still need to sell these damn rims.

Time to eat some yogurt, watch some Simpsons, and get some sleep. School, werk, school, werk, repeat.

Wetness all around me, though. Good thing I know how to swim.

--

Big.

2011-11-01T01:36:00.001-07:00

This could be big for me and you, we could do anything.

Something is different about me. Something has definitely changed. I'm not as shy as I once was, no longer reserved or fearful that the world is going to shoot me down every time I spread my wings. I'll take what I can get, but don't mistake that for being desperate; I like to think of it as being an opportunist. At any rate, this period of rapid growth has done wonders for my development into a fully-fledged & potentially realized person, and I tremble at the thought of what future challenges await me, not so much in fear, but more in eager anticipation and a "grab the bull by the horns" attitude. For now, I am satisfied, but soon enough, I shall hunger again; I've already had a little taste of what my future may bring, and the flavor lingers on my tongue still. But until then...I guess it wouldn't hurt to just sit down, relax, and enjoy what I've got.

Happy November.

Twelve Minutes.

2011-10-29T04:04:00.001-07:00

I keep returning to the scene of the crime. I don't know why. I just do. Something about that place has a certain allure that constantly draws me in every time I have a relapse. In a sense, the peaks and valleys of my life as of late can be drawn and traced to that very place, as varied and ever-changing as the bends and curves of the road itself. Maybe it's the thrill that calls out to me - the sensation of speeding along a winding mountain road, grand homes on either side of me, their inhabitants fast asleep as I come speeding through. My voice is nowhere to be found, my mouth is at a loss for words that are just teetering on the tip of my tongue, so instead, I let my roaring engine do the talking for me. Time and space itself is linked, inexorably, to the gravel and asphalt of this road that I've come to call my sort of "private place", somewhere only I know, and I only hope that as I'm kicking in the clutch, downshifting, hearing the motor rev up to a hearty 8,000 RPM as I brace myself for the next turn, that perhaps somehow, by a stroke of fate or maybe just pure luck, a bolt of lightning will strike my car when I hit 88MPH and I'll be sent back in time and given the chance to correct some of these wrongs, or maybe sent to the future with the opportunity to see what will become all of this.

But that never happens. That's only in the movies, like all of this other stuff I used to long for. And I tell myself to keep going, keep on pushing, never stopping for anything. But I'll tell you this much: it's real hard to navigate through all this when your vision is blurred by the tears you're holding back.

Hol'Up

2011-10-22T03:30:00.000-07:00

Back in this bitch.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. My apologies for the lack of updates; I've been in orbit lately, literally in the sense that I've racked up quite a few frequent flier miles lately as I've traveled this wondrous country of ours, and metaphorically in the sense that my productivity is at a peak, going to school full-time again and working 20+ hours a week. This jet-setter life gets tiring at times, but whatever it takes to get there. I'm all 'bout that progress, baby.

This past month or so has been something of an enlightening soul-search, and although I say this every time something momentous occurs in my life, I must admit that the end result feels far more satisfying than my previous pursuits. And speaking of the pursuit: I endear it. The road is a much funner place when you're in no rush to get to your destination, and there are few things in this life that excite me more than the feeling of sticky rubber on asphalt, a quick downshift as I ease up on the gas and peel back, sliding a couple of lanes over before kicking the clutch in and speeding off into the sunset.

In many ways, the way that I drive is symbolic and representative of the way I live my life: each and every motion is performed with an intimate touch, yet is fueled by passion and a hunger for the thrill at the same time. No longer am I that timid sixteen year old, sitting behind the wheel of his mother's car - an automatic, of course - afraid of hopping onto the freeway, fearing that the merge might get the best of him and have him crashing into another craft. Nope, I've taken complete control now. I don't think I could ever go back to driving an automatic again - speaking both about my car as well as my life.

30,000 feet in the air.

EDM

2011-09-29T02:56:00.001-07:00

is good grinding music, if you catch my drift.

NOTE TO SELF: Stop looking for it. It will find you.

2011-09-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

♥

worn souls

2011-09-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

You probably can't read the print on these books, but this is a picture of a book-spinner (for lack of a better term) that I saw in the souvenir shop @ SFMOMA. Each one of these books is a city guide for many of the world's most magnificent hot spots - Delhi, Tokyo, Chicago, Madrid, Vegas, Palma, Milan, Buenos Aires, Valencia, Beijing, and everywhere in between. Oh, how I would love to have the opportunity to travel the world one day, taking in the sights, enjoying a cup of coffee as the locals pass by or trying out the nightlife, waking up the next morning in a hotel suite overlooking the scenes of everyday life in a world unknown to me. Sometimes, I'd just like to get away, and be by myself; not literally, but more like "away from the people that I know". Who knows what kind of interesting characters I'll meet on my travels? The wonders that I will see...and of course, no trip would be complete without sampling the finest delicacies the city has to offer. Food is life, am I right?

It's the little things that I happen to run into that keep me motivated.

2011-09-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

You see, the problem with me is that I keep my head in the past. Too often I am gazing back upon one incident or another, recalling all of the memories and emotions that these situations once held, and often times wracking my brain in an attempt to figure out how to recreate these moments of wonder. One of these days, I will have to wake up and realize that no matter what ingenious plan I come up with or how much I tell myself it can happen, nothing is ever going to bring back these opportunities that I let slip by. I can, however, go out there and put myself in a position to embrace new challenges and create even more chances for whatever it is that I desire most at the time, whether it be love, lust, or just a chance to stand on top of the world - I can build on these past experiences, basically. The more you do something, the better you become at it. Right?

Hey look, it's about to be a brand-new day.

"Lights get low, and that's when I have my brightest ideas."

2011-09-13T02:26:00.000-07:00

How'd a pile of kush become a mountain of truth? How'd a bottle of wine become the fountain of youth? Just lie to my ears; tell me you feel the same, that's all I've been dyin' to hear.

Paradise.

2011-09-13T01:34:00.000-07:00

Well, what a weekend it has been. Let's recap. I was in the middle of my daily elliptical run on Thursday (because Thursday night is the start of the weekend when you're a college student) when Randy texted me asking if I wanted to grab some Cluck's before the game. After finishing my routine and taking a hasty shower of about...four and a half minutes, I threw on my sole pair of jeans along with the nearest Packers shirt I could find and rushed out the door to pick him up. We headed to Costco since I was running low on gas, and then promptly took tenth street all the way downtown, where we circled third and fourth street a couple of times, on the prowl for a parking spot. I hate parking downtown, but oh well; it gave me a chance to practice parallel parking.

We were running late. I wanted to get our food and get back home before the game started, but unfortunately getting gas and finding parking took longer than expected. Luckily, they had the game on inside, and there were plenty of Packers fans, surprisingly. I felt right at home after hearing the uproar of cheers as Mr. Rodgers lasered in yet another perfect pass to Jennings in the endzone. I swear, though, I'm never going to the downtown Cluck's again. It's just too much of hassle to find and pay for parking, not to mention that it was much more cramped than I was expecting and they took forever to finish our order. Definitely going to be sticking to my beloved Cupertino location.

After our food came out, we sped home and ran indoors. My dad and his friends all had their eyes glued to their TV, and as I walked into the living room, I saw a piece of paper with a grid drawn on it along with an assortment of numbers and letters, and a couple of $20 bills on the table. It's unusual to see my parents gambling, but I guess they're loosening up and enjoying life a little more now that my mom is retired and our bills are becoming less of an issue. David arrived shortly after we got home, and that's pretty much what we did: watch football, pig out, and knock down a couple of beers. The good life, right?

Speaking of beer, I'm both pleasantly surprised as well as a little worried with how laid back my parents have become lately. Last month, I threw a going-away get-together for my friend Jess, who was leaving for San Diego. My parents didn't say anything about all the alcohol that we came up with. In fact, my dad even played some beer pong with us, and lately, he's been asking me if I want a beer or two. Sometimes I take him up on his offer, and other times I tell him no, and opt for a glass of water or some Arizona instead. While I like the fact that I can drink with my dad now, sometimes I worry that my parents aren't being hard enough on me. It's been a crazy couple of months; between all the going out, coming home in the middle of the night, partying, clubbing, drinking, and all of the other "young and stupid" things that I've been doing, such as planking on fountains, sometimes I feel as if I get off the hook with a lot of stuff, maybe even too much.

Then again, my parents are getting older, and so am I. Maybe they've finally realized that I'm not a child anymore, and that I can go out and have a good time while still being a responsible adult. And maybe these thoughts of "I have it easy" are really just reflective of me being too hard on myself. Come to think of it, I've been a stiff for pretty much all my life; I've never been the type to go out and do something crazy and reckless. I was always the goody-two-shoes, playing it safe, rather than sorry. Maybe now is the time to get myself out there and start living a bit...within my own limits, of course. As much as I may want my parents to crack down on me a little more, maybe its good that they're letting me roam free; after all, nobody truly knows my limits except for me. Nobody knows what I am and am not capable of except for me, and only after I've given it my all. It's just a part of growing up.

But all in all, its been a chill couple of weeks. I watched the game earlier with my dad and my uncle. We devoured a large pizza from Round Table and knocked down a few beers between the three of us. Other than football, my past couple of days have been filled with cars; I washed Anna's car for her yesterday as well as my dad's car, and then helped my dad wax and shine his car earlier tonight. There's no better sight to see than an exquisitely clean car that you yourself have personally worked on. Even if its not my own car, I just love working on a car and being able to look at the finished product and say to myself, "Wow, I did that...and its amazing."

To tell the truth, though, I didn't help my dad all that much; I only buffed out one layer of wax for him. In comparison, I gave his car the whole treatment the other year: wash, clean, clay-barred, waxed, shined, the works; I spent about 10 hours working on his car, back in 2009 - the day after Kababayan Fest, actually - working on it all by myself, in the blistering July heat, and while it was tiring, I was handsomely rewarded with a $50 bill and an ice-cold can of Budweiser. I don't know why I didn't help my dad out this year. I offered to help, but he refused, and I had to literally grab a towel from him and just start working on the car anyway in order for him to let me help out. I think he's at that point in his life where he wants to do these types of things by himself, for himself, just so that he knows that he's still got it in him. And part of me wants to let him do these things so that he can feel young again...yet still, another part of me cries, no, weeps softly at the thought of my dad growing older, getting ready for retirement, knowing that all he wants is to feel young again.

It's this duality that haunts me on a daily basis. I know my parents just want to feel young and "free" again; that's why they have these karaoke parties every night, complete with their own live band and all, and why they go to Santana Row to hang out on the weekends and go on spontaneous trips to the beach. Should I feel bad for leaving them, wanting to do my own thing? I'm young, too...and I have plans, big plans. Yet there's a sharp pain in my heart every time I have to tell my mom not to cook dinner because I'm going out tonight, or that I'll be home late tonight and that she shouldn't wait up for me. Honestly, I can't wait until Thanksgiving, because then we'll have the whole family together again. At least, I hope so; I don't even know if my brother is going to come home. He's in Japan right now. My parents don't know this. I didn't even know this, I had to find out via Facebook. At least he's having a good time, though.

I feel as if things are moving way too fast for my liking, and I'm just caught in the current, unable to escape it so I swim along with it, not knowing where it'll lead me. Is it time for something new already? I told myself that I was done with relationships after all that's happened recently. Honestly, who knows. Every relationship that I've ever been in felt like I was running a race, yet I didn't even know where the finish line was. I was just running for the thrill of it, hoping to see some glimmer of a finish up ahead. Now, I just want to slow it down. I want someone who will just lay there with me, not even doing anything if either of us don't feel like it. Just someone who'll be there. We can forget it all the next morning; for now, just be there. That's it.

How long have I been typing this post? I feel as if its been too long. Until the next time-

bringing your favorite flowers, sit up and talk for hours just to hear you laugh

2011-09-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

I don't think this will ever get old.
        
Fuck, can I just have a normal relationship for once? Is that too much to ask?

sleepeasy.

2011-09-05T04:12:00.001-07:00

Just a little something to take off the edge. It's been a rough weekend.

Almost two years now. It's funny how much has changed...and how some things never change.

Trust Issues.

2011-09-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

Look at this monster you made; now I'm the one that has to kill it.

for the thrill of it

2011-09-01T03:35:00.000-07:00

And not two minutes after clicking "publish post", my mind begins to scramble, frantically searching for something to counter my previous entry, a little something to balance out this young-and-fast lifestyle that I've been living; for as fun as its been, there are times when a man has to know his limits. There are problems that alcohol cannot wash away, cuts and scars that even the strongest herbs cannot heal. I may appear to be a little strung out on compliments; to that, I'd say that a little confidence never hurts. We party hard, there's no denying that; but what better way to acknowledge your accomplishments than by drinking to them? And I may hit the club every now and then - but rest assured, one night of fun only goes so far. This ride isn't over, but nor will it last forever. One day we'll be doing 95 in the coupe cruising down these empty streets, and the next day I'll be cruisin' solo, taking my sweet time, enjoying the scenic route as I cruise down memory late, waving goodbye to "Ms. Right Now"'s place in my rear-view mirror and taking the nearest exit for "Ms. Right"'s house. And I say "the nearest exit" because, well, I can't lie: I'm pretty impatient at times. But I've also learned that flooring it is never ever ever a good idea, and until I get there, its nothing but me, my car, the road, and these sweet, sweet dreams.

Baby, I'm not tired of the chase. I just need someone who'll chase back.

southern comfort

2011-09-01T03:22:00.001-07:00

It's only been three months since this new way of living has crept into my world, but it feels as if its been much longer than that. I cannot even begin to sort out all of the foreign luxuries and features that come with this state of being and somehow paste them together into anything that even remotely resembles a rational thought, because that's just how crazy this whole ride has been. Sleeping at the crack of dawn. Sneaking out in the middle of the night, cracking the door open ever-so-slowly as to not make it creak. Late-night runs to fast food establishments that would otherwise never be visited if it weren't for the fact that they're open until the wee hours of the morning. Long-awaited trips to the beach, the sunset streaking across the sky, the horizon and the windshield of our car becoming one with each other. Spontaneous outings, literally planned an hour or two before taking place, just packing up the bags and throwing them into the car, our blood pumping as we seek adventure and companionship. Good food, better drinks, the best sex that we never had. Laying down on a tiled garage floor, intoxicated to all hell and back, drowning these sorrows away with drinks that both poison and remedy our souls. Yet deep down, we know it has to end. My eyes speak to me and tell me so each time I look at myself in the mirror. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just forget the other side of things? And to think, I could have had it all.

But this ride isn't over, yet.

they know

2011-08-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

You know it was a good night when you wake up the next morning to find a dozen red cups in the bushes in your backyard.

Ruthless

2011-08-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I got absolutely steamrolled in SC2 last night, LOL.

But I made it up by hopping on WoW right after and going 13-4 in 2s with a Frost Mage. Super random comp, but I guess it works! Two of those losses were my fault, too, so we could have easily gone 15-2, but oh well. Finally picked up my T2 axe and ready to kick some butt this season :-) It's too bad Blizzard basically said "screw you, play 3s or gtfo ->" to everyone who plays 2s, otherwise I think I could be pushing some serious rating by now, but its just too hard to find good players willing to compete in a broken bracket. Oh well. I'm still having fun.

Time to shower and then go to Costco with Anna to stock up for tonight's kickback. Peace!

thinking 'bout forever

2011-08-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

got a fighter jet I don't get to fly it though, I'm lyin' down, thinkin' bout ya

lookin' at my Gucci, its about that time

2011-08-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

One of my all-time favorites <3

Today has all of the makings of a perfect day - I only wish it was a little hotter. Oh well. Off to the beach!

mm

2011-08-18T02:36:00.001-07:00

I'm having the midnight munchies the night before my first trip to the beach in about ten years, no bueno. Whyyyyyy does my house have to have so much food in it ):

discovery

2011-08-16T03:51:00.000-07:00

Major ramblin' incoming. It's about time, too. This will probably be one of my longest posts ever; sorry to the, like, 2 people who read my blog.

First of all, damn you Facebook for implementing the "On this day in 2010..." feature, which shows you what your status updates said exactly a year ago. What did I say on August 16th, 2010? "Sushi in Daly City, Sprinkles at Stanford Shopping Center, Counseling 100, and a late-night Starbucks run. Not a bad way to start the week, not at all."And indeed, that was a very relaxing and needed day, but it also saddens me that I haven't had many of those days lately. Allow me to elaborate...

I miss it, so, so much. I don't know what "it" is. "It" isn't just one thing, it's many - people, places, the things I saw and the emotions I felt. My days have been gray as of late, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to be excited about things. Is this what college does to a man? I say this all the time, because its true: over the past year, I've been more productive than ever. I've gotten my first job, my first car, started college, met new people, and learned a little about what its like to live as an adult with expenses to pay and responsibilities to attend to. I've succeeded, for the most part, in the progression of myself as a fully-functioning individual in today's society. But, quite simply, that isn't enough for me.

I often reminisce upon the days of yore, thinking back to when I was just a youngling, eager to see the world and not yet exposed to the realities of the world. Sometimes I think that by doing this, I'm just being irrational and attempting to relive my childhood - and maybe I am. But so much has changed since then, and I can't help but to feel lost amidst it all.

My family...we don't appear to be as close anymore. My mom retired a few months ago, and I'm really glad for her, because after twenty-five plus years of hard work just to put food on the table, lord knows she deserves it. My dad is hard at work, as always. My sister got married in May, and I'm terribly happy for her and her husband, the airline pilot. They've settled down in Signal Hill with their own place and all, just the two of them and our lovely family dog, Archie. My brother and his wife are still living large in Burbank, making insane amounts of bank and enjoying what LA has to offer. But despite our individual successes, I feel as if we're no longer a family...my brother, for some reason, has an extreme dislike for San Jose, and absolutely refuses to come home for the holidays, which means that my parents and I have to head down south to be with them. And my sister, now that she's a happily married woman, will be spending more time with her husband's family for the holidays, which means that she may not be around as much anymore.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I was still a chubby kid, always eager for the holidays because it meant that my siblings would come home. We would all gather in the kitchen and help my mom and my aunts cook...mashed potatoes, that was my brother's specialty. Every year, it would be a surprise; he would decide to throw in some garlic cloves, or maybe a bit of sour cream or butter, and some chives on top. And egg salad, that was always my sister's responsibility, just a simple mixture of potatoes, eggs, and mayonnaise. Stuffing was my thing, because it was the easiest to make, but also my favorite. We would pull out the big rectangular tables and put three or four of them together so there was enough room for everyone - sometimes we had nearly thirty people at dinner! - and we would turn on the radio and just listen to some holiday tunes while my dad would take pictures and my uncles would record us eating and hanging out. After dinner, we would just sit around, basking in our gluttony, and watch some TV, look through the black friday ads, and just talk and laugh with each other. There was always tons of desserts, too: pumpkin pie, jello, cream puffs, you name it.

I think the best part, for me at least, was eating the leftovers with my siblings the following morning. Something about holiday food tastes better after its been in the refrigerator overnight and then taken out and reheated. We would usually be up by 10 or 11 and just eat with each other while watching TV, usually football or some cartoons. My brother would always have tons of DVDs (some of which belong to me now), so we always had something to watch. These were such heartwarming moments of my life, and it saddens me that we may never have something like this again, now that my brother never wants to come home and my sister has her own things to do with her husband. I don't even know where I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I know it's not for quite some time, but it scares me to think that our family might be apart yet again this year...

I feel a little guilty for refusing to go on vacation with my parents. I was in the car the other night with my parents, my brother, and my sis-in-law, on our way to downtown Burbank to grab some coffee after dinner. My parents were talking about possibly going to New York or Chicago sometime in September, before I start school again, but my siblings were telling them how they probably can't come with because they have work and whatnot and can't take time off. I jumped into the conversation and told my parents that I don't want to go if my siblings aren't going because I'll probably be bored. And it's true - god knows I love my parents to death and want to spend time with them, but I'm the kind of person who seeks adventure and wants to see everything that he can. I like traveling, and being on the move. My parents? They're the type of people to walk slowly everywhere, taking in the sights, never in a rush to get anywhere. I feel so conflicted about this; I know they're getting older, and I should spend time with them, but I feel as if I'll seriously be held back if I go with them. I need to go with someone younger, someone like me, someone that fits my lifestyle, and if it's just my parents and I, I probably will be pretty bored and end up waiting for them most of the time. I hope that they don't take this the wrong way, and I really hope that they end up going somewhere. For as long as I remember, they've never been on a vacation without me. I just feel as if they should take some time out for themselves for a bit and spend time with each other, go somewhere romantic, and I hope they realize that I'm on my way to becoming a man and that I'll be fine at home without them. And I, too, have my own adventures to go on, so its not as if I'll be sitting at home moping around waiting for them to come back or anything.

This past weekend, I was in Southern California. I love it to death, but lately, I haven't been having much fun there. Maybe its because I've seen a lot of it already, so nothing is really "new". I spent most of my weekend with my brother and my sis-in-law in Burbank and LA, which was cool. They took me to get some tacos for lunch and then to this outdoor village where we did some window-shopping. After that, we headed over to a bar/lounge type of place, where their friend was DJing. I think I'm in love with the LA lifestyle. Up here in the Bay Area, the only people you ever see wearing brands like Stussy and Supreme are kids my age, trying to show off, but down in LA, a lot of people wear these things, including a lot of older people. You can really tell that these older people don't just wear it, but they live it as well. For them, its not a fashion statement, its a lifestyle. Anyway, the bar was cool. I didn't get carded, so the whole time my brother was handing me beer, and we just drank and chilled and played dominos while our friend was DJing, putting on a Wu-Tang Clan set.

LA is cool, but I think I miss the other areas of SoCal, though. I haven't really spent time in Orange County for the past year or so. I miss my great-aunt Di Be so much. I can't believe its been over a year since she passed away. That woman was amazing; even in her old age, she was as tough as nails and enjoyed life to its fullest. I remember when my cousin (her daughter) decided to come home with a dog, a black lab mix - boy, that thing was out of control! I spent countless nights at their house, only to be awoken by the sound of Rox barking and growling at absolutely nothing. Di Be was the only one who could ever get that dog to shut up, hahah. I miss my cousins Anh Khoa and Chi Hien. I can't imagine what life is like for them...they're still young, only in their thirties, and to live without parents must be terrifying.

I must have gone to SoCal at least twenty times last summer and the summer before that, and I spent so many nights at Khoa's house. That guy knew how to live it up. He covered up two windows on the second story of his apartment (aka the bachelor pad, haha) with boxes of liquor bottles, creating an "alcohol mosaic". It was pretty neat. We would always do the most random stuff; I remember my first time sitting in his Porsche. We were driving down the street to the KFC parking lot so that he could meet up with this guy he found on Craigslist who wanted to buy his laptop. We would often get some bomb-ass grub for dinner - a lot of Boiling Crab or Kyochon Chicken, a lot of finger food - and crack open a few ice-cold Coronas and just pig out. And in the afternoons, we would head down to the pool and go for a swim and then just lay back on the pool chairs, getting our tan on with a couple of beers in hand, and cigarettes for him. I never smoked, nor do I ever plan to. I do enjoy a good beer every now and then. I hate drinking with the intention of getting wasted. I like drinking when its just to chill and hang out, which is why I like beer. Plus it tastes great with most food.

The other year, I went to Disneyland with a close friend of mine right before senior year started. We stayed at Khoa's house, and at the time Di Be was staying there as well. I remember being awoken by that stupid dog on the morning of our first day to be spent at Disneyland, and I found that Di Be went to the market early in the morning before we were even awake so that she could get food and snacks for us to bring into Disneyland <3 Thank you. It's a weird feeling, coping with death. Di Be was the first person to pass away in my family that I really knew and was close to. I didn't cry a single tear at her funeral, but for the first time I saw my sister and my sister-in-law reduced to tears, a truly saddening sight. At the time, I remember asking myself over and over why I didn't cry. I thought something was wrong with me. It's not that I don't miss her, because I do, more than anyone knows, but I think I was able to accept it, just take it in. Her death was not a surprise, by any means; she had been struggling with cancer for the longest time, and it was only a matter of time before she passed. But knowing her, the strong, resilient woman that she was, I feel as if she lived as full of a life as anybody in my family, and I know that she's in a better place now. Rest in peace, Di Be <3

That Disneyland trip was really something, though...I've been meaning to go back, but it also has to be under the right circumstances. At the time that I went to Disneyland, it was just me and a friend of mine, and we had such an amazing time. But what really put the cherry on top for me was the fact that I had somebody to love. I guess you can say that I was "talking" to someone back then, my friend Amery. As much as I enjoyed being at Disneyland, I enjoyed talking to her just as much; she would constantly text me, asking me what ride I'm going on next or when I'm going to come home, telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me and that she can't wait until I'm back home, and occasionally call as I was waiting in line to get onto a ride or to get some food, just to say hi and "check up" on me.

As stupid and irrational as this sounds, I feel like if I were go to Disneyland now, with my wounded and scarred heart and without someone to love, it wouldn't be the same. It's the same reason I chose not to go to my senior prom; I could have found a date if I wanted to, for sure, but I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted my prom to be a night spent with someone truly special to me, not just any girl I decide to ask out. And yeah, if I go to Disneyland now, I'll have fun on all the rides and everything, sure - but it won't be the same. I won't have someone waiting for me at home. I won't have someone in my heart, knowing that she loves me as much as I love her. I'll be at the happiest place on earth, but I won't be as happy as I could truly be. Or at least that's what I believe, which is why I'm saving that Disneyland trip for someone special - whenever that happens. Can't rush things, though, right? It just stinks being third wheel all the time.

I'm a little scared about the upcoming months. Lately I've been hanging out a lot with a group of friends, consisting of my childhood homies Anna and Jessica (who's dad is best friends with my dad, so we're practically like family to each other), their boyfriends David and Christian, respectively, and then our friend Randy, and then me. Randy and I are the "third wheels", so to speak, but we don't really mind. I dunno what I'd do without him, and he texted me the other week when he was at Fantasia with Anna and David, telling me that he needs me and he hella feels like a third wheel, LOL. Slight bromance between us I guess. But forreals, I'm worried - Jessica is moving to SD in 10 days and Anna is going to go back to SB in September. I dunno what we're going to do without the girls, or if we'll even hang out anymore. Randy and I will probably be pretty close still, but other than that, I just don't know. I haven't really hung out with anyone else lately. Most of my other friends have their own things going on or their own groups of friends that they hang out with. Me, I'm the type of guy who's down for anything, anytime, just waiting for people to hit me up to go out somewhere.

Looking at the people around me...I feel as if everybody has become so successful. Everyone has grown and done so much. My mom is now happily retired. My dad is still hard at work, making more bank. My brother and his wife are living it up, always trying new things and seeing new sights. My sister and her husband are settling in now, enjoying their house and their dog. Di Be finally has a piece of paradise to call her own, bless her soul. Khoa texted my mom the other day, saying that he's heading up north for a business trip. Chi Hien went to visit our family in Norway last month and returned with some delicious chocolates. Anna and Jess are still here, but are starting to get ready to get back to SB and SD for college. Amery seems to be happy with Mark, and I'm glad for the both of them. Michelle seems to have found someone, too, good for her. Even that lying, deceiving s-word that I had a one-nighter with the other month is talking to someone now.

And me? I'm still standing here, in the same spot, watching the world pass me by. I still don't know what I want to major in, what I want to do when I grow up. I have so much growing to do still. I've taken my chances at love, but they never seem to work out. Not giving up, though, and not going to bother putting up walls, because I'll never know who the right one for me is if I never let anyone in. I want to put our family back together. I want to put the love back into my heart, but I feel as if everyone around me is content with the way things are. With so much going on in everyone's lives, nobody has the time to stand here with me.

I know and feel as if this isn't about me. I want to put our family back together not just for me, but for all of us. I know I can't be the only one feeling this way. I want to rekindle my past loves, for reasons I cannot explain. Part of me feels like I'm always the guy who is just "there". I've always been the guy that my friends - especially the girls - came to if they ever needed relationship advice or a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk to. I feel as if people enjoy talking to me and being around me, but I'm never really a priority - the party goes on, with or without me. I've never been the star of the show, never the one in the spotlight. Part of me wishes that I were, but another part of me has grown to accept and be okay with that.

Life is precious, and there is so much more to life than me and my needs. I feel as if I belong to something greater, that I'm meant to be part of a greater good, and while I'll never rid myself of my own desires and feelings, at the very least, I can learn to accept things for what they are. There are some things in life you just can't change. And on the other hand, I can also learn to recognize when and where I can truly make a difference in the big picture.

I can sit here for hours and continue typing, pouring these memories and emotions out, trying to paint a picture of who I am, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm just another soul, looking for a place where I belong - just like you.

body heat

2011-08-15T04:36:00.000-07:00

I've been tossing and turning for the past half hour or so, trying to get some shut-eye but to no avail. It is just too damn hot here! To make matters worse, the only clean pair of boxers that I had left are made out of some pretty thick cotton, which is great for keeping warm during the cold months but it's absolutely killing me right now. I don't know why I brought this pair.

Adding to my "To Buy" list: a pair of silk boxers, so I can keep cool.

eat some cucumbers

2011-08-15T03:29:00.000-07:00

Only because some Filipino guy in a suuuuuper nice Evo IX pulled up next to us at an intersection today with this song playing hella loudly and a Hundreds sticker in the rear window (I would see/hear that in LA, haha) and because Huy and I hella make fun of the way he says "HIIII" when he starts the first verse, LOL.

master-craft

2011-08-13T05:16:00.000-07:00

Leaving for SoCal in less than three hours and I haven't packed yet. Well, no point in sleeping now, is there?

I spent the past hour or two talking to my friend Paul, mostly about gaming. I guess you can say that I'm kind of in a slump, mostly because I have no one to play with anymore. All of my old WoW guildmates quit - Dave, Eugene, Dom, Jarrod, all of them. Lately I've been playing a lot of Starcraft II, but just the campaign, but soon I'll be done with that and I'll have to decide whether or not I want to get into competitive play, which scares me to no end since I've never played an RTS competitively before. I haven't played BC2 seriously in probably over a month now, and I'm rusty as hell, although its still fun once in awhile, even if I'm just playing with randoms.

I did feel a little bit better when I hopped on WoW earlier to find someone to do 2s with just to cap points for the week before I leave to SoCal. I ended up partnering with a rogue, and then after about ten games or so he switched to his holy paladin. Overall, not a bad night; got our rating up to 1380-something, almost 1400. The best thing that came out of this, though, was that he told me that he's been playing the game since day 1, and that I'm one of the best warriors he's ever played with. What do you know - I guess I still have it in me, after all.

Something about making the leap from casual play to competitive play is seriously terrifying to me...probably because I always feel as if I'll be inadequate, especially being in the best PvP battlegroup in the world and having so much competition against so many great players, many of whom are sponsored and play at the pro level. Then again, I'll never know how good I can be at this game until I try. I think I'll find myself a PvP guild as soon as I return from my trip and really get down to business and see how high of a rating I can push.

Until then, gaming will be the last thing on my mind, because in a couple of hours, I'll be saying goodbye to good ol' San Jose and giving a great, warm "HELLOOOOOO" to sunny Southern California <3.

=X

2011-08-10T00:54:00.000-07:00

I'm eating leftover french fries from Cluck's right now. Probably not a good idea to eat this late at night, but oh well...

Cute girls are almost always too good to be true. And before anyone goes off on me, I will agree that personality is a very important factor when it comes to this type of thing, but I'd be lying if I said that looks aren't the first thing I notice about a girl. I mean, hey, it's only natural, right? Anyway, back to the subject at hand: it seems as if there's always a "catch" whenever you meet someone who happens to catch your eye - maybe they're still heartbroken over an ex, or perhaps they just want a fling/FWB type of thing, or they're totally the psychotic stalker type, or they're really into cats, or whatever the case may be. It seems as if nothing is ever black and white, and that there's always something in the way.

Sometimes I think life would be a whole lot easier if we all wore post-it notes on our foreheads that let other people know exactly who we are and what we're looking for in a relationship. Mine would say something along the lines of, "fun-loving and adventurous Asian guy looking for companionship; must like to eat, be able to hold a conversation over a cup of coffee or two, go on hikes, and take long walks on the beach at sunrise; good sex is a bonus but by no means a necessity".

If only life were that simple. 'twas a good night tonight, though.

durrrty

2011-08-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

Things I've done lately (in no particular order):
-Got Fantasia (duh)
-Burned new CDs for my car
-Watched Spongebob + Fresh Prince for the first time in ages
-Tried gumbo for the first time! Thanks Anna + Jess
-Watched Drumline, LOL
-No more school = sleep at 6 A.M., wake up at 3 P.M. @_@
-"Job hunting"
-Added more dubstep to my music collection...oh noes
-Watched a LEGIT Vietnamese movie with my parents, for once
-Had what was quite possibly the worst bowl of pho ever
-PEPPER LUNCH <3
-I vacuumed my rooms and changed my sheets last week (but they're getting dirty again)
-Renewed my interest in techno/trance/hard trance/dance/xcore...kiiiinda
-Washed my car along with both of my parents' cars
-Played A LOT of Starcraft 2
-Kinda neglected WoW =X
-Met new people!
-Went to Applebee's for the first time
-Tried jello shots for the first time...meh.
-Burnt my clutch...
-Trespassed onto private property
-Caught up with some old buddies
-Got my new passport in the mail, holla!
-Found out that I'm going to SoCal with my parents this weekend (HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY)

On my "To Do" list:
-Get a haircut
-Pick up a new pair or two of khaki/cargo shorts
-Check my HIDs, siiiigh
-Get a damn job.
-Satisfy my immense craving for chocolate, mmmm
-Get glad. (hah)
-Get diamond league (hah x2)
-Get BF3 (oksrsly, only two more months AND I CANNOT WAIIIIIT)
-Do a minor overhaul of my gaming setup...new mechanical keyboard, mouse, speakers, video card and possibly an aftermarket CPU fan as well as a monitor
-Plan out SoCal trip (anyone wanna goooooo?!)
-Get a TV in my room like I've been telling myself to do for the longest time
-OIL CHANGE
-Clean room (again)
-Cluck's
-Fix my iPod
-Make a new video, or two
-GO ON ADVENTURES/AUDE SAPERE

Despite my ever-growing To-Do list, I feel pretty productive! I'd go on and on and on, but Starcraft is calling, soooo...

NR.

2011-08-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

This is one of those songs that just gets to me, because honestly, it pains me to see people with their walls so high.

I suppose it's understandable, though. The other month, I "fell" for a girl who doesn't believe in love - or at least that's what it seems like to me. We talked, hung out, got to know each other (you know, "the usual"), and right off the bat, everything just seemed to click; its an indescribable feeling, and I feel foolish every time I try to put into words the way that you feel when you meet someone and things are just rolling, wheels in motion, top of the world...I could go on and on, but I'm sure you know what I mean. It is, simply put, one of the deepest, most euphoric feelings that one could possibly feel.

But as in any story, things must always take a turn for the worst, and just when I thought that we might have possibly had a chance at turning one night of lust into countless days of love, the ugly truth reared its head, bore its fangs, and bit me square in the ass. "I'm not looking to date anyone seriously right now," is what it said to me, and the next thing I knew, I couldn't see; it was as if someone had literally siphoned all the light out of this world and locked it away in some magical black box, somewhere out there in the cosmos. I was at a loss for words.

While we were talking, we shared our past relationship experiences with each other. I found out she, like I, had been deeply hurt in the past, among other similarities that we had. The difference between her and I, however, is that while I had kept my head up throughout the struggles and approached my next potential lover with both my arms and my heart wide open, willing to take the risks and ready to embrace all the ups and downs that we may possibly endure, she sealed herself off from the world, keeping to herself, nursing the wounds left by her previous object of affection and letting the memory of him chain her to the wicked notion that great love only brings greater pain.

Needless to say, things didn't work out between us. To this very day, I still ask myself, "Why? Why do people build their walls so high? Not just her, but everyone else around me, too?". It is a question that I already know the answer to, because I've been there and done that myself as well; we do so because we are scared, petrified that the next person we decide to open our hearts to will only end up crushing it like the last one did. But the way I see it, why should we let our last get in the way of our next? Why is it that we let the emotional malaise of our past cockblock (for lack of a better term) any chance of happiness that we may have?

I, too, have built these walls, once upon a time. But no more. I don't believe in them. I don't need them. Whatever or whoever approaches me, I will come right back towards it and meet them head-on with every intention to see things through to the end and leave with no regrets or unsaid words left on the table. Some may call me naive, others will say that I'm reckless, but to that, I only have one response: life is short, and you'll never know how things will end up if you don't try. While you may be protecting yourself from yet another heartbreak, you could also be missing out on what may potentially blossom into a wonderful, loving relationship that you'll never see, all because you're too caught up in the past. And wouldn't that be such a shame...

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this right now. The hopeless romantic in me says that she'll somehow serendipitously come across this post and eventually come back, but the thinker and the realist in me tells me that its all over. I think I just really need a place to let it all out, put it all down. And while I'll never quite know whether or not I'll ever have any contact with her again, if we'll ever become even just friends again, at least I'm sure of one thing: before we went our separate ways, I poured out my heart to her, laid my cards on the table, and came straight, no BS, no games, and if nothing else, at least I can say that I tried.

Because life is too short to be wondering, "What if...?"

MIND = BLOWN

2011-08-04T03:04:00.001-07:00

SERIOUSLY.

Shoot, I'm supposed to be studying for finals right now, but I was scrolling down my Facebook news feed and this caught my eye. This has got to be one of the coolest things I have ever seen on this show; most of the acts that are featured...well, aren't very extraordinary. Seriously, I get a little irked every time I see another singer audition, because if I wanted to hear some great singing, shouldn't I just watch American Idol instead? Anyway, I don't even like dubstep all that much, but I felt that the song was a great fit for the theme of the performance, and mad props to the software engineer for coming up with this concept, not to mention how incredibly daunting it must be to perform such a crazy choreo in the dark. I'm hoping they'll win this thing!

Lighter Than Air

2011-08-03T02:51:00.000-07:00

Trance-mode, activated. Mirage is such an amazing album. I can't believe it took me this long to get it. This is my studying music, getting ready to knock this damn final out of the ballpark!

Gilroy Garlic Festival

2011-08-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

I'm about to work out early for once so that I can focus on studying for finals as soon as I get home from dinner tonight, but before I go, here's some pictures from the Gilroy Garlic Festival this past Saturday.

Garlic Man!

Lines fo dayzzz

Soooo much food...

Garlic ice cream is disgusting!!

This chick was hella gettin' down by herself, hahahah

The walk back.

Alright, time for a run, followed by washing my mom's car and then SmokeEaters!

e-nglish

2011-08-02T04:36:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with my friend Eric earlier and somehow we ended up talking about some of the oddities that we've noticed online over the years.

ericxthexazn: lol
ericxthexazn: oops
ericxthexazn: suppose to be caps
ericxthexazn: LOL

SJ Lazy Boy: LOL

SJ Lazy Boy: I knew it
SJ Lazy Boy: Isn't it funny how
SJ Lazy Boy: if you say
SJ Lazy Boy: LOL
SJ Lazy Boy: It implies that you find something amusing
SJ Lazy Boy: but if you say
SJ Lazy Boy: lol

ericxthexazn: its just whatever

SJ Lazy Boy: It implies that you are indifferent
SJ Lazy Boy: or mad
SJ Lazy Boy: or upset
SJ Lazy Boy: LOL

ericxthexazn: exactly

ericxthexazn: LOL

SJ Lazy Boy: How the fuck does that work

ericxthexazn: no clue

ericxthexazn: its like

ericxthexazn: to end a conversation with someone on facebook, all you have to do is like their last comment
SJ Lazy Boy: LOLLLLL

SJ Lazy Boy: SO FUCKING TRUE

It's weird...but it's true! Hahah, just an observation.

posted

2011-07-30T23:58:00.000-07:00

Man I am tiiiiiiiiired.

My good friend Amery made this for me as a 17th birthday present, but for some reason I never hung it up until about a month ago. Actually, I'm surprised that I still have it. A little while after we stopped "talking", I decided to throw out all of the things that reminded me of her: all the posters, letters, notes, even my old cell phone! Somehow, I must have missed this, because I stumbled upon it while cleaning out my closet, and since I'm no longer bitter about what happened - we're actually on good terms now and we talk, from time to time - and because it's such a nice painting, well, I decided to hang it up. This (along with a picture of her, which I also must have missed) is the only thing that I have left.

Anyway, today was a gooooooooood day. I ended up sleeping around 4:30 A.M. last night and waking up around 9:30 A.M. this morning. My family and I went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival, which was a new experience for all of us. Never before have I had so much garlic all at once, and never again will I...garlic ice cream is seriously disgusting. As we piled into the car to head home, six hours later, we all agreed that while it was a unique experience for us, we would probably never come back. I mean, seriously! It cost $15 per person to get in and each food dish that they served was anywhere from $5-10, which means that you'll be spending a lot of money just to try everything, not to mention waiting in some of the longest lines I've seen since my Disneyland trip two years ago. At the end of the day, all I got was a slightly-more-empty wallet, a breath reeking of garlic, and a nasty sunburn.

We arrived home around 5:30, and I immediately flopped onto my bed and K.O.'d. Around 7, my parents left to a party and my sister and her husband went to a bar to catch up with some old friends, so I hit Randy up to see if he wanted to go get steak fries with me; that guy is always down for anything, I swear. After chowing down on perhaps the most delicious carne asada fries I've had in years, we met up with Huy and his cousin at Great Mall, then "caravan'd" to Fantasia, where we got some delicious boba and just kicked it for a few hours. Saw some eye candy, too! We're hella dumb when it comes to thinking of ways to meet girls, fo-rilz. In the end, none of us ended up saying anything. I'm just not the type to go up to a random girl and try to generate a conversation out of thin air! Seems a little creeper-ish to me...but maybe one of these days, I'll learn to let go of my self-consciousness and just go for it. Maybe. But damn, something about girls in leather jackets...

Well, that's all for now. Not a bad second-to-last-day-of-the-month, if I may say so myself. I'm taking tomorrow "off" from blogging and will probably end up doing a lot of sleeping, lounging around the house watching movies on TV, and of course, eating. Maybe cruise around Milpitas for a bit, if the girls are up for it? Whatever happens, tomorrow will be chill, because I said so.

Pz!

The Time Traveler's Wife

2011-07-30T00:54:00.001-07:00

Just watched it for the first time with my family, and even though I missed out on a good chunk of it, it was an overall enjoyable experience. I'm not usually into these sort of movies, but I have to admit, this one was really profound. It gave me a reminder of how fleeting love really is and of the unpredictability of life in general. Still, just because something comes and goes doesn't mean that nothing good can come out of it, and more often than not we're left with mementos of the good times and cherished moments that we once had. I guess, in a way, we're all time travelers. One minute we're reflecting on the past, pondering why things turned out the way they did, and the next minute we're leaping ahead into the future, engulfed by the countless possibilities that lie ahead. Just thinking about it gives me the jitters.

Garlic festival in the morning. I should really get some sleep (hah)!

drowning

2011-07-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

The human brain works in mysterious ways, and perhaps nothing about it is more intriguing than the way in which it helps us to remember certain things - or is it the heart that holds these memories dear? At any rate, I've always considered myself to have a fairly adept sense of retaining information, but there was a time in my recent life which I remember with astute clarity, better than most instances.

*****

Another day, another lecture. On most days, I trudged aimlessly across campus, going from classroom to classroom, but with no real direction. However, I had been feeling a little more spirited than usual as of late, and on these particular days, a jolly spring was underneath my every step. My steps slowed, and with it, my breathing. My eyes became more accustomed to the blazing light emanating down from the sun; no longer did I feel blinded by it, but instead, illuminated. I had noticed things that I normally wouldn't catch before. The flap of a butterfly's wings, its majestic motions as it carried itself amongst the winds; budding flowers, yearning for the sky; the way the crown of the sun broke upon the horizon at around 5:15 A.M. every morning, sending streaks of red-orange across the sky and through the gaps in my blinds. I had begun to appreciate the beauty of the world around me, and it was as if someone had placed a disco ball inside my soul, or placed a brightly colored lampshade around every source of light in the world. Its warmth was unlike any other.

You had wished me a happy birthday not too long ago, and told me that you hoped I wasn't working that day, to which I responded by thanking you and telling you that I had requested that day off. My mind (or heart, if you will) raced back to the thoughts I held from my fall quarter of college, when I was entering yet another unknown world, one that had me at the mercy of a sea of unfamiliar faces. Yet amongst these faces, it was yours that had always stuck out the most. Something about the gleam in your eyes and that radiant smile kept my eyes glued to you. I could tell by the way that you asked your neighboring classmates where the restroom was and then brushed it off, pretending like you didn't need to go anymore when really you just had no idea how to get around campus, that you were just like me: young, lost, and a little confused, but at the same time, eager for adventure and seeking new horizons.

Oh, little did I know what would become of us as I gazed upon your magnificent form from across the classroom, hoping for a chance at some interaction, however trivial it might be, but that chance never came. Or perhaps it did, and I let it slip, who knows? But soon enough, I found myself in your presence once again the following quarter. Maybe it was fate, or perhaps just pure coincidence, but whatever the reason, I was glad for the time being to be near you once again. And, as if an invisible steel cord was tightly wound around my windpipe every time you came near, I found myself unable to express this intrigue I had for you, this desire to unravel you, pick apart your mind, learn who you were, not physically, but on a spiritual level. I wanted nothing more than for you to reveal and share your essence with me, to see if perhaps it would find some comfort and well-being with mine. My deepest desire was for you to illuminate my world with color.

*****

Little did I know that you would be the type to take it away, as well. And now, after you've slithered your way into bed with me, clawed your way through to my heart, and crushed it with meaningless kisses, there is only black and white.

Well, fuck you then.

(I swear I'm not depressed, writing is just very therapeutic for me.)

Luv(sic)

2011-07-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

Sitting at my desk, early summer morning, doing some homework when this song came on; I've had it in my library for the longest time, but haven't actually heard it until now. Chills up my spine. Deep breaths. Thoughts racing, but I'm still here. And suddenly, things don't seem so bad anymore. Time passes, and so do feelings. You're gone, but I'm glad to have had you. Memories live on and stars continue to shine, whether or not they ever cross or be aligned. And before we know it, things will be brand new again.

Rest In Beats, Nujabes.

no sleep

2011-07-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

This has been the theme song to my life for the past month or so.

So it looks like this night life/no sleep lifestyle has finally caught up to me, because I woke up around 2 P.M. yesterday with my head throbbing and my throat feeling like somebody shot a flamethrower through it. I haven't been this sick in quite awhile! My day consisted of laying on the couch watching movies and sleep, lots and lots of sleeeep. I actually just woke up around 9 or so.

Luckily for me, my immune system is pretty damn strong, if I may say so myself, because I feel tons better than I did when I woke up yesterday afternoon! My internal body temperature is almost normal, my headache isn't quite as bad, and my throat feels like its ready for a big bowl of pho or something, hahah. The only thing that's bugging me right now is my stomach, which has been aching for the past couple of hours; its fine if I'm sitting or laying down, but as soon as I stand up, the pain kicks in. Must've been something I ate...

Right now Kris is telling me a story on AIM, and I just killed about 3/4ths of my battery from talking on the phone with my good friend. I'm kind of hungry, I think I might eat a bowl of cereal. All in all, I'm pretty energetic right now! I'll probably end up staying up until 4 or 5 again, even though I probably shouldn't. I feel like watching some kung-fu movies, lol. Late!

Go Fish.

2011-07-23T04:19:00.000-07:00

They tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Well, I won't stop until I find myself a mermaid, then.

There's an interesting emotional phenomenon that often occurs during the falling-out of a romantic endeavor, and its a feeling that I think we can all relate to: that feeling that you have to be with this person, that you and this person were meant for each other and nothing on earth could possibly keep you two apart. Yet where are we now? Two complete strangers once again, our paths likely to never cross.

Looking back on all of the girls that I've developed feelings for in the past, I noticed one thing: they all live within a fifteen-mile radius of me. Of course, that's to be expected, because proximity is one of the biggest factors when it comes to interpersonal relationships, whether they're romantic or not. After all, you can't get to know someone who you don't come into contact with, right? But looking at this has also made me realize something else: while I'm sitting here pouring my heart out and dwelling over someone who lives ten minutes away from me, there are billions of other people out there, and among them, maybe others who feel just like me.

I don't believe in soulmates anymore, for this reason and this reason alone. I don't think that there's such a thing as two people who are truly meant and destined to be with each other; the very notion of such a thing is asinine. Surely among all the people in the world, there isn't just one other person that we're each compatible with. Just think about all of the people that you haven't met, all of the potential out there, just waiting for you. Think of all of the people who have ever caught your eye, the people who you found interesting but never had the opportunity to really get to know, and just think, "What if?"

But I do believe in love, perhaps now more than ever. It just takes a little time to discover, and sometimes you're just dealt a bad hand.

last friday night

2011-07-22T04:21:00.000-07:00

A Thursday afternoon which transitioned into an evening and then a beautiful Friday morning, good times with good people; I love coming home at this time of the ~~night~~morning, not because it makes me feel like a "rebel" or whatever, but simply because its invigorating to me. I don't feel as if a good day is coming to end, but rather that a great day is about to begin. But as much as I'd love to stay up and chat, I'd better restrain myself and get some rest, for today is brand new, and there are many more adventures to be had.

Goodnight.

(UPDATE, 4:46 A.M.: I'm so sleepy that I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair before stepping out of the shower and had go to back in, LOL)

RPF1.

2011-07-21T00:21:00.001-07:00

Whyyyyyyy must you be such a tease ):

(BlazinBeatzz @ NewCelica.org's car)

That feeling

2011-07-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

when you feel like there is literally no one you can talk to.

Yup, I should've been asleep an hour ago.

Worldwide.

2011-07-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

I usually blog laaaaate at night, just as I'm about to go to sleep, but I'm actually sleeping early tonight for a change.  Why, you ask? Because I'm going to Intel tomorrow!

It's been a little over a month since I've stopped working at Pinkberry, but one of my coworkers texted me last week; she told me that there's a big catering event coming up at Intel and asked if I wanted to tag along, and being the geek that I am, I just couldn't deny the opportunity to visit the headquarters of the biggest CPU maker in the world. Unfortunately, that also means I've gotta be up bright and early and five in the morning tomorrow to head to the store and prepare. But hey, at least I'm sleeping before midnight for a change! I think I'm slowly becoming a morning person.

I love traveling. I just love seeing new places and trying new things in general; I've got a pretty damn loooooooooong list of eateries and food joints around the Bay Area that I'd very much like to try one day! Along with other places, of course: mountaintops, sea cliffs, city lights, I want to see it all. My parents are thinking about going to Vietnam sometime in August, and as much as I'd like to come with them and visit my family on other side of the Pacific, some of whom I haven't seen since I was six years old, I think I would much rather stay here in the States and spend those two weeks just traveling up and down the California coastline, sampling what life has to offer and taking in the sun and the sights. The world is my oyster, and I eat them raw.

Sorry for the random tangent. Alright, off to bed!

"Let Me Take You Out!"

2011-07-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

Our theme song for this weekend, hahah! Kinda liking the single life right now.

I guess you can say I had a pretty good weekend. I only got four hours of sleep last night and my parents are watching Blue Crush 2 right now (they rent hella random movies, I swear) which is kinda distracting me, so I'll forgo trying to eloquently string together my words tonight and instead just do a recap of what went down.

Friday: Typical lazy day for me, you know, college life and whatnot. I ended up sleeping in until 2 P.M. My mom had been bugging me to go get my passport renewed in case we decide to travel out of the country later on this year, so after eating a quick "breakfast" and showering, we drove downtown to the county office, only to find out that they only do passport renewals until 3 P.M., and it was nearly 4 by the time we got there, so we just turned around and headed home. My parents threw a karaoke party that night, as they do every Friday night, so I spent most of the evening playing games on my computer. At around 11 P.M., "those thoughts" began to slowly drift into my mind once again, and I decided that I couldn't be home and that I needed someone to talk to, so I went to Quiatchon's house. We hung out for awhile, played some games, watched stuff on Youtube, ate, just the usual. Ended up getting a lot of stuff off my chest and had some good talks about accepting what's been done and how to cope with the consequences. I didn't get home until around 5:30 A.M., but since I told my mom what was going on with my personal life, she wasn't mad at all <3 Stayed up for a bit and at 6 A.M., Randy and I were chatting on FB and spontaneously decided to go to CGA in a few hours. The last time I went to CGA was Kababayan Fest 2009!

Saturday: CGA opens at 10 A.M., and Randy wanted to be there right when it opened, so I took a nap until 9 and then woke up again to get ready. Feels weird waking up earlier than my parents for once. We lagged, as usual, but finally arrived at the park around 11 A.M. or so, after spending an hour hunting for a Subway and driving there and back to pick up Trish, who changed her mind about going last-minute. Apparently there was a company picnic for a local tech firm, Linear Technologies, and A LOT of my friends from high school have parents or relatives that work there, so the whole day felt like a mini-reunion. Spent most of the day with Randy, Erick, Trish, Justin, Kae, Alex, and Jenna (even-numbered ftw! No odd-man out!), but also chilled and talked to a lot of other people that I haven't seen in awhile. We rode pretty much everything, but Erick and I skipped out on Drop Zone because we're wusses like that...haha. Randy and Justin spent HELLA money on games too! Between the two of them, they probably tried the three-point challenge a dozen times...and it's $10 per play, so you do the math. Unfortunately, we didn't win any blankets, but we swooped up pretty much all of the Lakers flags, and I got a cool ninja plush for the rear window of my car. We stayed until the park closed, and then I dropped the guys off, headed home, and then had a quick dinner and slept early (2 A.M., hahahaha) for once.

Sunday: Woke up at 2 P.M., again. Can you blame me? I only had three hours of sleep between Friday and Saturday. I got up just in time to see the end of the Women's World Cup Final...which we lost ): Anyway, Jess texted me asking if I was down for Pepper Lunch, which I always am. We originally made plans for 7 P.M., but half an hour later she decided that she was hungry RIGHT THEN AND THERE (typical Jess), so I picked Randy up and headed there to meet her and Christian, plus Anna and David who stopped by for a bit. Well, turns out that they close during the afternoon and don't re-open until 5:30, so we ended up getting Fantasia and rescheduled our Pepper Lunch plans for 7, like we had originally planned. Anna and David left to go do their own thing, but the rest of us were still a little hungry, so we went to get carne asada fries and Taqueria Las Vegas; pretty good, but not as good as Burrito Azteca, of course, and kinda pricey as well. We sat and chilled for an hour or so, just goofing out and playing that song that I linked to up there. Apparently Christian memorized the dance that they do and he taught it to the rest of us, which was perhaps a bad idea, because we were doing it all night to random people that we saw on the road. Jess and Christian left to go so Winnie the Pooh and Randy had a football game near Great Mall, so I dropped him off and then did some window shopping. I tried to hit up a few of my friends that live in Milpitas to see if they wanted to kick it; one was spending time with her family, the other wasn't home, and one never texted me back -__- But surely enough, time flew by really quickly, and the next thing I knew, we were all back at Pepper Lunch again, enjoying a steaming hot meal and making fun of the noobies at the next table, who apparently had never been there before and failed to cook all of their meat before the plate got cold. We grabbed some Yogurtland after that and just hung out until around 11 or so, then went our separate ways. I ended up staying up last night until around 5 A.M., just watching TV and clips from Disney movies on Youtube and having some good conversations with old friends.

Damn, I talk a lot. I could go on and on and on about what happens in my day-to-day life, but then every post would be as long as this one and my eyes would bleed just from looking at my blog, hahah. So there's my lengthy recap of this past weekend, and probably one of the only recaps I'll do this year. Kudos if you made it all the way to the end of this post!

Blue Crush 2 is finally over (or at least I think, because I hear what sounds like ending credits) and my parents will probably start getting ready for bed soon, so it's time for me to go work out. Late!

Lasers.

2011-07-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

Wearing these was the highlight of my day, hahah. They're so comfy!

Kinda sad when you think about it. Then again, I saw this coming from a million miles away. I never fail to set myself up for disappointment, time after time. I should have listened to my sister the first time around.

On the bright side, I have been pretty productive these past couple of days! Seeing as how my plans for tonight didn't work out quite the way I wanted them to, I decided to pay my old coworkers a visit. It's only been about a month since I quit, but it certainly feels much longer than that. The fact that I no longer have a steady source of income coupled with the fact that its summer and I've been going out much more than usual makes me feel like a bum. Anyway, when she saw me, my coworker Esther wrapped her arms around me and gave me a biiiiiig hug, one that was so strong that it forced me back into a wall, and she ended up getting her hands smashed between the wall and my back (oops). Shortly after that we decided to head downstairs so that she could grab some stuff for the store and so I could say hi to my old boss, and when my boss asked Esther what happened to her hands, she replied with, "I was making out with Mikey!". Then my boss told me to go with Esther to bring the stuff upstairs and told us to make out in the elevator, hahah! My boss and Esther are dating, by the way, and we're all good friends, so it was just jokes all around.

Since I thought that I would be going out today, I decided to wash my car yesterday, as I was already working on her. So much for that...but at least my car is clean now! I still have to purchase a new iPod adapter for my tape deck, but in the meantime, I've burned a few CDs to keep my ears company as I drive, including another "summer mix", with Jeff Bernat as the opening act once again. I have a peculiar way of picking out which songs to put on a CD: I always lean towards songs that would be fitting for a road trip or a long drive somewhere. Sadly, due to summer classes taking up four days out of my week and most of my friends already having their own plans, I'm finding it difficult to have adventures. One of these days, I just want to drive somewhere, anywhere; SF, the beach, Disneyland, anywhere. Get me out of here.

I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty bummed right now, but at the same time, I have a lot to be optimistic and hopeful for. Tomorrow I'm planning to go with my mom to get our passports renewed and then have dinner with a few friends afterward, and next week I have a catering event that I'll be working at, as well as breakfast plans, another car meet, and a few potential photoshoots. Despite all that's happened, I'm not going to let it ruin me, and I plan on making this summer a memorable one.

Anyone care to join me?

Doing It Right.

2011-07-14T01:27:00.000-07:00

I hate seeing my baby go under the knife. And by "my baby", I mean my car, of course. I've probably taken her front bumper off four or five times in the past month alone, and yesterday I went in again to diagnose exactly what the problem is. Late last week, I noticed that my left headlight would flicker and then shut off completely whenever I would hit a bump or a rough spot in the road, and then turn on again momentarily, only to shut off again upon the slightest bit of discomfort, and as of Monday, it wouldn't turn on at all! After an hour or so of playing around with the cables and connectors, I finally discovered the culprit: a bad ballast. The bulb ignited and stayed on perfectly fine when I hooked it up to the passenger's side ballast, but wouldn't even give me a spark when connected to the driver's side.

So, looks like I'm going to have to send an email to the company that I got my HIDs from and see what they can do about it. To be honest, I'm not expecting much - this was my fault, as I didn't secure the ballast well enough when I installed it the first time and found that it was loose when I took a peek underneath the hood. I am currently loathing myself, as I always seem to mess up on things the first time around. But hey, as long as I do it right in the end, yeah? AND, since I've only had them for about a month or so, the warranty should still be valid and with any luck, I'll have a new ballast in no time. Until then, I've hooked up my OEM halogen bulb to my driver's side, just as a temporary fix, so if you see a blue Celica coming up on you from behind with one yellowish-white headlight and one pure-white-with-a-hint-of-blue headlight and a license plate that says "ASN", feel free to give me a honk and a wave!

Summer Do, Part Deux

2011-07-13T01:26:00.000-07:00

My iPod adapter for my car broke, so its time for me to start making some CDs!

This has been repeat for the past hour or so, haha. I'm currently sitting cross-legged on my bed, singing this in front of my laptop and having a conversation with my good friend Jackie. I made a "summer mix" CD the other summer when I first got my permit and started driving my mom's car around, and this was the first song on the CD, although it was the studio version, not this acoustic rendition. To this day, it remains one of my favorite songs, as cheesy as it is. Can you believe that I still have that CD and listen to it on a near-daily basis? It's crazy how times flies when you're having fun - or even if you're not. I'm planning to make a new summer CD pretty soon, and although I haven't finished picking out which songs will be on it, this will definitely be the first again.

It's hard to believe that July is nearly halfway through already. While we're technically in summer, I haven't been feeling it much lately, other than the week of my spring quarter finals, during which I literally went out every day and "lived it up", for lack of a better phrase. But other than that, I guess you can say that its been pretty dull for me so far. Perhaps its because I'm taking summer classes, or because I'm having somewhat of a difficult time figuring out who I can really trust these days. Nevertheless, I'm still putting forth my best efforts to make this summer a memorable one; besides, I've still got all of August and most of September to enjoy!

Well, I guess we're hanging out on Thursday. To be honest, I'm not feeling it anymore. I feel as if we're past the point of no return, and nothing that you or I do or say will change the outcome of things. I'm not going to lie: I still feel as if you're a good person at heart, someone who is just confused and hurting on the inside, and that these things you do and these walls that you put up aren't reflective of that beautiful soul you're hiding underneath all that partying and bullshit. On the other hand, you fucked up. This is something I should have left alone from the moment it ended, but I guess that part of me still believes. I'm not expecting you to change your mind, but who knows? Maybe you will. Sigh, this is what I get for being a nice guy.

Anyway, enough of that. If you're wondering about my title for this particular blog post, it's because I've received a lot of compliments on my hair lately! It's not quite as crazy of a faux-hawk as it was two years ago (that one had a tail, it was nuts!), but a lot of my relatives and my parents' friends have been telling me that my hair looks nice lately, which I'm really thankful for. My parents hated my hairstyle when I first cut it this way, but after two years, I think they've finally come to accept it (and maybe even like it). Thanks, mom & dad! Now if only I can convince them to let me get a piercing...alright, nah, now I'm just being silly. I think it's time for me to stop writing. Pz!

Heart to Heart.

2011-07-12T03:07:00.001-07:00

So it's 3:07 A.M. at the moment. I'm currently in somewhat of a childlike state; I spent the past hour watching cartoons and eating cereal, and now I have songs from The Lion King on repeat. But hey, can you really blame me?! I still can't believe I'm about to go into my second year of college. Life has been rather kind to me lately, and I've become a more independent person as a whole, making my own plans, going out whenever I please, paying for my own things and whatnot. It feels good, being "free".

But there's something missing. Something is always missing, isn't it! I've realized that one of the things that I miss the most is just making friends. Sure, I've made friends in college, but those are mostly the "small talk while we're in class together" type of friends, not the "hey wanna hang out sometime?" kind, if you know what I mean! Everyone here just seems to want to get in and out of their classes as soon as possible.

Remember when you were a kid, maybe entering kindergarten or first grade and not really knowing anyone in the class? One of the best things about being a kid was being able to make friends so easily. Nobody ever looked at somebody and judged them based on what they wore or wondered what kind of person they were. There was no such thing as blogs or Facebook profiles to look at and make judgments on. You would simply just go up to another kid who happened to be playing nearby, maybe with a toy that you really wanted, and you would just play together. No need for any introductions or questions, just fun. That's what I miss the most.

These days, everyone seems to roll in their own crews and circles, and if I were to go up to a random person on campus and try to generate a genuine conversation out of thin air, chances are, they'd think I'm some sort of creep. And that's really such a shame, because I've seen so many people who look like they'd be interesting to chat to and hang out with! But what can I do, you know? Sometimes I wonder how many other people out there feel this way too, and are simply too preoccupied with the possible negative outcomes to ever build up the confidence to show interest in a stranger, just like me.

I just can't wait to be king.

King Lifestyle

2011-07-12T03:03:00.000-07:00

You already know =)

Levels

2011-07-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

I've transcended so many of them,
Some sinful, some enlightening
Dabbled into drugs, lived a clean life
But one thing is for sure:
I will never, ever, ever
Stoop to your level.
Peace.

No love.

2011-07-09T23:25:00.001-07:00

SF: 0
My Celica: 1 (no scrapes!)
My bank account: -59834690819056128590812580 -___-

P5.

2011-07-09T01:48:00.001-07:00

It's been a pretty eventful week for me so far, but its not over yet! In the meantime, here's a shot of my friend Alex's Protege5.

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of wagons, but one has to appreciate the work that's been put into this car. I wish I had gotten some better pictures because this one really doesn't do it justice, but you can still tell just by looking at it that its been well-taken care of over the years. Up next for this sweet 5? A set of RPF-1s and some lighting and electrical work. Projector retrofit, possibly?

mdof

2011-07-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, summer, what a scorcher you are so far! Unfortunately, I haven't been able to take full advantage of this heat, as I'm stuck in a classroom for four days out of the week, but I have to admit, its been a fun couple of weeks nonetheless.

I've been slowly getting back into photography - or rather, starting to learn more about the technical side of it. I was doubtful about taking a photography class over the summer at first, but its really helped me grasp a lot of concepts that I never really wrapped my head around before. I've got a couple of portraits due on Thursday, some minimum/maximum depth-of-field photos to take, and a couple of night photoshoots coming up as well as a trip to SFMOMA. I'm pretty excited!

Here's to an artsy summer :)

Handle With Care.

2011-07-05T22:09:00.001-07:00

One of the most terrifying aspects of "getting to know" someone is not knowing whether or not the feelings you develop for them will be reciprocated. That's why it's always important to handle with care.

IVth of July.

2011-07-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

Get it? Hahaha! Say "hello" to my favorite pair of kicks!

Happy Fourth of July everyone! In case you were wondering what I did/am about to do today/tonight: I woke up around 1ish, spent my afternoon playing video games and lounging around the house, then had a barbecue with my family. Right now I'm about to head on over to Fowler Park with a couple of friends to catch some fireworks. Anyway, I hope you guys are out and about, having fun, and most importantly, staying safe. Pz! =)

Mona Lisa

2011-07-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

I want to paint you.

So, so badly.

Sequel

2011-07-03T03:49:00.000-07:00

If you had told me a year ago that I'd be sitting here, talking to my ex about my current state of affairs, and doing so comfortably and without any hesitation, restraint, or difficulty between us whatsoever, I'd have called you a liar. Yet here we were, on a Saturday afternoon, chatting it up, me explaining my current situation and her offering the best advice she could possibly muster out of her ninety-pound frame. Who'd have thought?

It's incredible how emotions, as strong as they are, can change so drastically over time. I guess it's true what they say: every song has a part two, and I've found several sequels in the past couple of weeks. And maybe one day, this, too, will be a nothing more than a speck of dirt in my rear-view mirror until finally, we come full circle, and that bond, not of love, but of companionship is lit once again.

Don't ask me how I come up with this shit. I just do, alright?

LBB.

2011-07-01T03:38:00.001-07:00

Normally, I'd start off July with...well, July, but I've been feeling a bit more cheerful as of late, so here's a Gabe Bondoc original that I've really grown fond of over the past twenty-four hours or so =)

For some reason, June is always a crazy month for me; last June I graduated from high school and needless to say lived it up that month (and for the rest of the summer), and the other year, sparks were flying between my then-lover and I - and not in a good way, either! And then there was this year, of course, which brought me a June full of learning experiences and first-times. I guess this is life's way of ensuring that my birthday month is always an eventful one!

Summer quarter started this week, and what a change it is. Since its only a six-week session, everything is extremely compacted; we have to cover the same amount of material in less than half the time, which means we spend twice as long as we normally would in class, listening to lectures and whatnot. Thankfully, I was able to find two classes (technically three) that are both easy and are classes that I need to fulfill my transfer requirements! And for the first time in my college career (ha ha ha,) I'm taking a class that starts before 1:30 P.M. So far, I'm enjoying it very much; I think I could possibly become a morning person in the future...sike! But seriously, I am thoroughly having a pleasant time with school and with life in general right now. I'm feelin' pretty good about things :)

I try not to use smiley faces (after all, guys are supposed to be "manly" and not show emotion), so the fact that I've used two already in this blog post is a sign that perhaps I should wrap things up and go to sleep...or go play more videogames. Most likely the latter. Until the next time! I'll be sure to bring back some pictures for y'all.

Pz!

This Plane

2011-06-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

You missed it.

Wakin' up, ten in the morning, more alive than I've ever been.

I've got a crush on you...

2011-06-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

I've been completely enchanted by the video that I posted earlier, and have been abusing the "replay" button all weekend long - mostly just to listen to the song. Its nice to take a step back every once in awhile and watch the world pass by. A week ago, I  was going nuts; thoughts were racing endlessly through my head,  wondering what the situation was, envisioning all of the possible  scenarios, questioning each and every little gesture. I suppose that  even emotions can be fickle at times, though; for now, much of my  worries are now dust in the wind. It's funny, how quickly things can  change. Crushes become crushed, and the crusher is the crush.

Sometimes,  I just wish for someone who's willing to take it slow with me. I was  talking to a good friend of mine about how a lot of people my age are  growing up too fast - or at least we think so. "All they want to talk  about is partyin' and fashion", if I may steal a line from Drake. And  there's nothing wrong with that, for I love to have a good time, just as  anyone else would; but at the end of the day, I'd love nothing more  than to have someone by my side, perhaps curled up next to me on the  couch or snuggling up through the sheets; someone I can sit there with,  maybe eat a tub of ice cream or watch some TV with, but most of all,  someone I can just talk to, all throughout the night, and to be able to  wake up next to her the following morning without having to worry about  who she's planning to go out with later or what she's wearing when she  walks out the door, because she will have just as much faith in our  relationship as I have.

Pardon my mush.

smooth as silk

2011-06-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

This has become one of my all-time favorite videos. I'm not usually a fan of cars that sit this low, but something about this 180 is so elegant and mesmerizing. This, in my eyes, is as close as you can possibly get to a perfect shot. Every little detail just seems to flow so well: the gleam of light reflecting off the polished lip of the SSRs, the little kids playing in the background of the interior shots, the tiny scrapes of the exhaust and the front bumper as the car pulls out of and then back into the driveway, which are more like soft kisses from the owner to his ride - and the song, oh my god. This is why I love cars.

Kaminari

2011-06-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

Just some inspiration for the future.

'11.

2011-06-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

They say that the experiences a man goes through in his college years  will shape him into the man that he will become for the rest of his  life. Boy, what a ride its been thus far - no pun intended. I've met new  people, tried new things, and seen what the world has to offer me. Throughout the past two weeks alone, I've been to hell and back,  laying blissfully in a companion's warm embrace one night and drowning  my sorrows with sake and blowing smoke the next. Despite the progress I've made, I know  that I've still got miles and miles to go before I get there, and this  is a journey which both excites and terrifies me at the same time. Fear  of the unknown is a fickle trait, though; I seek first to make it known,  and then to make it mine.

Already I can faintly make out the  silhouette of the man I have yet to become: a man resilient in his  values, yet soft to those of others; a man admired for his resolve, but  humble towards those who have shaped him; a man sweltering with passions  and who will go to limits above and beyond in order to chase his  horizons, although at the end of the day he knows that he can't do it  all alone, at least not everything. I see him now, and day by day, the  image becomes clearer. The world crashes onto me like wind and waves  breaking against stone; only the strong make their mark. And while it  may seem bleak at the moment for those unable to come into their own,  just remember: we all have to start somewhere. 

"Let's just talk all through the night,

2011-06-21T03:59:00.000-07:00

there's no need to rush."

This is SUCH an incredible cover. I'm a little upset at myself for not discovering it earlier, haha. But really, I just love how Alejandro "cleaned up" the song by taking out all of the sexual references, which I feel made the original a bit trashy. Sex does not always equal love, and vice versa. Sex can be an amazing thing, but it means nothing without love. Just ask any man, any real man.

Damn though, I wish I could sing...just sayin'!

A Learning Experience

2011-06-20T03:11:00.001-07:00

Maybe I'm a fool. A fool for expecting something out of nothing. A fool for expecting something so great to come so easily. A fool for expecting someone else my age to be ready for something a little more serious. A fool for expecting anything at all. I guess there's a fine line between being optimistic and having your hopes too high, and I crossed that line awhile ago. I promised myself after the last serious relationship that I had that I would never let myself make the same mistakes twice, but something about seeing you lay there, looking so precious, made my heart skip a beat. I thought I could save you, show you that love does exist and that it's worth fighting for; but then again, I can't save everybody.

Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches.

2011-06-18T03:21:00.003-07:00

How do I show to you that it's worth it?

2011-06-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

Watching the sunrise, for the second day in a row.

Sunrise Goodbyes.

2011-06-16T08:07:00.001-07:00

Marvin's Room

2011-06-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks Ling-Ling for showing me this. Damn, the best Drake track since July.

eleven minutes

2011-06-13T02:19:00.000-07:00

That's how long I've got until King of the Hill starts. Usually they show two episodes a night, starting at 2 A.M., but for some reason there's only one episode tonight. Oh well. I swear, I think I'm the only one out of all my friends who loves this show. Everyone always seems to be really into Family Guy, which has its funny moments, especially the earlier episode, but its wayyyy too slapstick for me. To each his own, I guess.

Last night was my final night of work. No more Pinkberry! I feel a little sad about leaving, and truth be told, I really love this job, even though there are times when it makes me want to rip all my hair out, but in the end, I gotta do whats best for me. The long commute, frustrating work environment, and low pay simply aren't cutting it anymore. I think I'll take this time to enjoy life at my leisure for a month or so, and then try to find a new job, somewhere less stressful with better pay that's closer to home. Wish me luck!

So it seems like its been forever since I've written one of these kinds of blogs, if you know what I mean. Why am I sitting here typing this right now? Who knows. I've been staying up late for the past several weeks, just reminiscing on times past. I never thought life after high school would change me so drastically, but oh, how it has, and it's amazing really how having somebody to adore and cherish in your life changes your perspective on things entirely! In retrospect, I suppose that love made me act in ways that I would now consider silly or asinine, but it also brought a great deal of optimism and a sense of adventure into my life, something that I've been missing as of late. Hm.

Although finals don't officially start until next week, most of my finals will, in fact, be taking place this week, which puts some extra weight on my shoulders as I scramble to get everything done and over with. It's also a good thing though, I suppose, because my sister and her husband are coming to visit this weekend! It'll also give me a makeshift "week off" before summer quarter starts, and luckily, the first weekend after that is the Fourth of July; this year, I'll be spending it in...yup, you guessed it: Sunny Southern California! It has been far, far too long.

Speaking of SoCal, I've been dreaming a lot lately. And when I say "dreaming", I really mean "letting my mind wander and drift amongst all the possibilities", hahah. But forreals, I would absolutely love to have the chance to visit Disneyland this summer! I had wanted to go last year, but in the end, I wasn't able to find the time nor the means to take a trip down south. This year, though, I've got a pretty good feeling about things. But we'll see.

Aw man, I'm four minutes over. Time to watch some King of the Hill and eat my last shift meal from Pinkberry. Coconut is the best flavor, ever. Alright, late!

Talking to the moon.

2011-06-10T23:49:00.001-07:00

Surgery

2011-06-04T18:06:00.000-07:00

illusory

2011-06-02T04:43:00.000-07:00

I'm zonin' right now, head bouncing back and forth, eyes wide shut, the touch of early morning nipping against the window behind me. Its not quite summer yet - in fact, it rained yesterday - but my drive is already beginning to pick up.

Another year, another birthday. 2011 didn't quite do for me what the previous two years did. As I grow older, I see more and more things on a gray scale, rather than in vibrant color. Both my mind and my body are constantly re-adjusting themselves, becoming accustomed to these nuances that I've been forced to take on as a result of such drastic lifestyle changes. For instance, I no longer feel the urge to reach into my pocket and check my phone every five minutes, because I know that unlike in years past, there won't be any new messages for me, anyway.

Yet my heart has a life of its own, separate from mind and body, and at times it feels as if all three are wandering off, all at once, each in their own direction. Truth is, as productive as I've been, I'm far from whole. An air of emptiness constantly lingers around me, ushering in lonely nights and reflective mornings, and its in times like these that I wish I had a companion of the fairer sex to share my deepest thoughts and sentiments with. Where she is, I haven't got a clue.

But how can I help another if I can't help myself?

Derezzed

2011-05-29T05:27:00.001-07:00

Daft Punk + Avicii = no words.

Flowers.

2011-05-27T04:58:00.001-07:00

What a crazy ride its been so far. Less than a year has passed since the day I walked that very stage with a beaming grin, anxious to get out of that dreary establishment as quickly and quietly as possible. And there I was, just the other day, standing on the same field that I once mingled upon, only this this, I felt even more like an outsider - as if that was even possible. Yet in a sense, it was a comforting experience as well. Old faces surrounded me and provided a feeling of familiarity, while at the same time bringing me back down to earth. The mixing of two starkly different states of being was indeed quite unique.

I sent my siblings a message last night, letting them know how my studies have gone so far, with hopes that they would lend a proverbial hand or two to me in paving my future paths. They have not yet replied, which is perfectly understandable; my brother is vacationing in New York, while my sister has just returned home from her honeymoon. An aunt and uncle of mine are visiting from Vietnam, and my sister-in-law's sister gave birth the other night. My family is swelling with activity, yet morning in and morning out, I remain idle, only able to express myself through these meager words. I am not sure what I should do anymore.

I am missing a conduit.

It's time to climb this pyramid.

Just don't feel the same.

2011-05-24T04:20:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I know I shouldn't, but fuck, it's been so long already and for some reason, you're still just there, in my mind. Makes no sense whatsoever, right? I'm not quite sure what's going on in this head of mine anymore. I already know that it's over and that there's no way in the nine or seven or however many levels of hell there are that we could possibly work things out, so why am I still thinking about it? Who knows. I guess the past eight months or so of being antisocial is starting to catch up to me; although my accomplishments are numerous, my shortcomings far overshadow whatever success I've achieved lately, or at least I think so. The ironic thing is that nobody thinks I'm inadequate except...well, me.

But whatever, fuck it, it's nearly summer. And yes, I've said "fuck" twice already in this blog entry. I don't usually curse, at least not in my blog, but what good is having a little piece of canvas to write upon if one can't truly let his or her emotions out? Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am pretty excited, not gonna lie. Summer is a time to be artsy, and I've already got some projects in mind and new horizons to chase. The grind is great, but the same ol' same ol' just ain't doing it for me anymore. It's time for something new. It's time, now.

notes

2011-05-05T03:24:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've written here. Part of growing up means that one has to take on more responsibilities, leaving little free time for the pursuit of deep thought. Ironically, its mostly when doing these mundane day-to-day tasks such as washing dishes at work or hastily filling out forms that I have the tendency to zone out for moments on end and just think about where I am, what I've done, who I've become. It would seem to me that my character has remained stagnant throughout these past six months or so, and according to Mill, stagnancy is never a good thing. Yet one could also argue that I've made great strides in becoming an ideal member of society, despite losing bits and pieces of "me" along the way. What's really going on with me? Who knows anymore.

My world has lost all sense of color, taste, and the other luxuries that make life worth living; everything looks the same, tastes the same, feels the same, but somehow I have elevated. Everything is the same, except for me. I breathe in the inspiration surrounding me, hoping that I'll happen to take in the right combination and that I'll be able to make something amazing out of it, and in a fraction of a moment I breathe it right out, an incompatible mixture leaving my being as I take another breath and hope for something illuminating. The search seems to go on forever.

I don't think its really occurred to me until now that I haven't had a break in a long time. Thank goodness I'm getting away for the next few days. It's time to fill up the iPod again; I just might strike gold this time around.

Pz.

and it don't stop

2011-04-03T02:09:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've written here. Not much free time these days, I guess. Things have been alright. I think the last time I updated was when the Packers won the NFC Championship game. It's been a pretty crazy ride since then. I went to Dallas with my siblings on the weekend of the Super Bowl. We weren't able to afford game tickets, but it was still a wicked awesome experience just being in the city and seeing so many fans of both teams walking around the streets. I met a lot of other Packers fans and needless to say, the sports bar that I was in exploded in happiness, cheers, tears, and overall drunken debauchery when the time finally read "00:00" and the Packers finally took the Lombardi Trophy back to Titletown. Man, what a trip. I don't think I've ever been as happy since that moment, though. I don't know, I always blame it on being busy, but there's a lot of stuff in between the lines. I guess I just don't really know how to convey my emotions very well. My Human Sexuality professor Mrs. Joplin gave us a speech on the last day of class about how important it is to be able to communicate your feelings fully and clearly in a relationship and throughout life in general, yet even after that inspiring oratory experience, I still can't figure out how to say what it is that I want to say. I've never really felt 100% comfortable with anyone ever since she and I parted ways. In a way, I'm unwilling and too scared to attach myself to someone emotionally, as much as I'd like someone to keep me company. I think I'm too different. I've never really fit in anywhere, or with anyone. I don't have a big, fancy camera to carry around and take pictures of everyone all the time. I don't have a sweet ride that I've invested a lot of time and money into that makes everyone's heads turn when I drive by. I don't have a million pairs of shoes or all the latest fashion trends. I don't go to raves, although I am a big fan of electronic music, nor do I go to parties where everyone is drinking and smoking, although I do enjoy parties where everyone is just having a good time, eating and hanging out. I don't support same-sex marriage, even though I don't have a problem with homosexual people. Many of my friends are gay, but I just think that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I don't like Obama, not one bit. I feel that too many people my age today think that being a Democrat automatically means that you're not the "bad guy", and that Obama will somehow save us all. We're somehow worse off than we were three years ago. My hobbies are so radically different from anyone else. Is it really a turn-off if I play World of Warcraft? A lot of people I know look down upon the game, but they haven't even played it themselves, at least not to the point where they could understand how deep it is. There's something strangely satisfying in meeting online together with nine other people, total strangers at first, but now close friends, and working together to achieve a common goal that requires an incredible amount of coordination and execution. And communication. Downing a raid boss isn't exactly easy. It requires a lot of individual effort on everyone's part, and while it may seem silly that I spend three hours a night playing a game trying to kill dragons, I must say that it does wonders for my team-building skills. I guess this is my medium of communication. I would say that it makes me very goal-oriented. Still, despite my gaming habits, I would consider myself a real sociable people. If I had the choice, I would rather be out on a date, taking a lovely lady to all the new places and beautiful heights that I've discovered. I have a lot of things and a lot of places to show people. Yet something about me must seem so damn unattractive to the opposite sex. I don't know. I could go on and on about how different I am from everybody else, but I don't think anyone would truly understand. My life is pretty boring, but my mind runs wild in the late nights and early mornings, and it's times like these when I wish that I had someone to share my thoughts with, but it seems like every time someone stunning passes by, I let her do just that: pass right on by, not saying a word, hoping that she'll at least notice me. Never happens, though. Guess its true what they say, nice guys do finish last.

Kudos if you read all that.

Green and Yellow

2011-02-05T05:17:00.000-08:00

You know what it do.

4:38 a.m.

2011-02-04T04:38:00.001-08:00

Guess I'm sleeping in today.

easily distracted

2011-02-03T03:50:00.001-08:00

Because Bruno Mars is able to sing my thoughts, he's also the one who receives all the love for it. And that right there seems to be the story of my life: a young learner, not fully a man but more than a kid, eager to get ahead in this game of smiles and glances that the guys and gals play on a daily basis. I've never really minded being a late bloomer until now, when it finally hit me just how inexperienced I am when it comes to the whole idea of courtship. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts, yet I have no idea how to express them. And in the thick of it all, someone else, some guy who is more adept and skilled at thinking on his feet comes along and says "Hi" to her first - and all I can do is watch from afar.

Girl, I'm tryin'.

"It's been a year since the case of the Mondays,"

2011-01-24T02:27:00.000-08:00

and if things keep going the way that they're going, then, well, damn, I've got it pretty good.

My mind has been as restless as ever as of late, pondering how my peers view me or whether there is such a thing as two truly compatible people. I've been living for the weekend these past couple of weeks, toiling away for the better part of four days in hopes of some rest and relaxation. Truth is, though, I've got nothing to complain about, and even as hopeless as it seems at times, winners never quit. And here I am again in the opening hours of another exuberant Monday, eager to forge ahead on my grind and find my way to the weekend again, where this time a hefty reward awaits me. There is nothing that cannot be done, no feat that cannot be accomplished. I remind myself of that at all times.

Expanding my mind, opening the gateway to higher education, broadening my horizons - these are the goals that fuel me. There is not much else that I need to keep me going - although some company along the way would be nice.

Wonderful ~~night~~morning to be alive.

In Rodgers We Trust,

2011-01-17T02:21:00.000-08:00

He's on fire!

Seeing Red.

2011-01-16T00:14:00.001-08:00

A man walked into our store with his wife and two kids while I was working yesterday afternoon. He seemed as if he didn't want to be there at that very moment, like he was having a rough day already. I had to exert every ounce of my self-restraint not to add fuel to that fire as I helped him with his order.

He was wearing a Chicago Bears shirt.

A close shave

2011-01-10T03:13:00.000-08:00

but we're movin' on.

Cogwheels.

2011-01-01T03:45:00.001-08:00

Here we go.

Prior to the start of the new year, I had been playing with the idea of changing my beloved blog's name after more than two years of antics, rants, and musings. After careful reconsideration, however, I took that idea in my hands, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and proverbially slam dunked it into my mental wastebasket. The reasons behind my sudden change of heart may be perplexing to some, but the change itself is relatively simple to understand.

This is probably the first time you'll hear or see me admit this, but I might as well come clean about: I'm a food snob. I much prefer the term "foodie", but food snob is what most would label me as, so I'll take what I can get. Since as far back as I can remember, I've loved eating meat. Whether it's chicken, pork, fish (if you consider that to be meat) - or even some of the more exotic varieties such as lamb, veal, and venison - as long as it's on my plate, I'm a happy camper. But most of all, I love steak. And not just any steak: it has to be red to the core.

Many of my friends and acquaintances can't seem to wrap their heads around why someone would want to eat a slab of meat that's more uncooked than it is cooked. If you ask me, I wouldn't have it any other way. This may not be a very pleasant thing to admit, but I once went out to dinner with a large group of friends, and one of my buddies ordered his steak well-done. I instinctively made a mental note of that and though to myself, "what a waste of a steak". True, that was a highly judgmental thing to do, but like I said before, I'm a snob. There's a method to my madness, though. In order for the true flavors of the steak to be harnessed and expressed, the juices need to be lucid, unrestrained, they have to come out. Cook a steak too long and it dries up, which forces the eater to reach for a bottle of steak sauce. Cook a steak too quickly and you'll be staring down a bacteria-laden meal, wondering if you should eat it or not. But cook a steak for just the right amount of time and you'll be dining on a luxurious, heaven-sent cut of meat that melts in your mouth bursting with flavor.

The key to cooking a steak properly, much like the key to many other aspects of life, is patience. I recently had the privilege to dine on a seventy-two, yes, a seventy-two dollar cut of steak, and all I can say is that it was quite possibly the most delicious meal I have had and maybe even will ever have in my entire life. I ordered it medium-rare, of course, as I was sharing my meal with one other person, but even so, it was more than red enough for me, and from the first bite, I knew that this was a steak done right. Had I ordered a well-done steak instead of a medium-well, I likely would have been the subject of much ridicule to the waiters, hostesses, the other diners, and just about anyone who knows anything about fine dining.

But this isn't about being socially-accepted or flaunting your wealth around, it's about savor, it's about substance, it's about depth. It certainly isn't about fitting in, for as I've mentioned before, nearly everyone in my immediate circle of friends and colleagues seems to think I'm some sort of freak for eating a piece of meat that's so raw and red. To me, it's all about the quality. I've eaten a lot of strange things in my lifetime, and if my preference when it comes to steak is what they choose to ridicule, then so be it. The same mentality applies to me, as a person. I have my loose ends here and there and I may seem to be out-of-sync with others my age, but underneath these odd quirks and layers of deemed 'imperfections' is a realm far deeper and richer than many of the minds surrounding me can currently comprehend. All I can say is: You guys really don't know what you're missing out on!

Allez cuisine.

Just My Type.

2010-12-30T01:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to sugarcoat, I'm pretty damn bitter. One of the reasons that I haven't been posting that much lately is that quite frankly, I don't think anybody gives a damn. Why should they? While I'm getting things done and trying not to slip, the world continues to turn, regardless of whether I turn with it or not. I've lost my senses. I don't even know what day of the week it is. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to get out of bed at all.

I'm a hypocrite. Then again, aren't we all? I turn my nose at those who raise glasses, but truthfully, a tiny part of me wants to be in that picture with one arm raising a glass and the other wrapped around a shoulder or two, reaching out for social acceptance. Yet by nature, I am the antimatter. Whatever goes, I go against it. Whatever is "in" is "out" to me. My eyes are overindulged while my mind craves stimulation. The Golden Mean has yet to be found.

That's the problem with people my age: We're far too wrapped-up in the physical form and being of things that it's difficult to discern who's got a little flavor and depth underneath it all and who's just running for the thrill of it. That leather jacket will only take you so far before it begins to wear out.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, but foresight is just as important. I want someone who can take a step back and see the big picture rather than acting on impulse alone. And at this point in the cycle, reality comes into view and slaps me in the face, and I begin to understand that not only must she possess intelligence and restraint and wit and all of these desirable, mature characteristics, but she has to look stunning as well.

I ask for too much.