Mush

That's all that I've been lately, physically and mentally. Hence the lack of any updates for the past five months or so. Here's a random picture of me drinking a smoothie, just to prove that I am still alive and to remind everyone what I look like (hah).

If, somehow, you had presented to me six months ago the person that I am today, I would be in complete and total disbelief. I mean, I understand that people change over time, but a transformation so drastic typically doesn't occur over such a short period of time, let alone so fluidly and without resistance. Yet here I am, plowing through 2012 with such fervor that I even scare myself at times. I've never known myself to be a spontaneous-almost-reckless "go-getter" type of person, but given the circumstances that I've been in lately, I suppose its easy to see how I've become such a being.

So much has changed, so much. I'm not quite sure where to begin, and I certainly don't possess neither the time nor the capability to cover all the bases in one blog post, but there's a few things that really seem to stick out. Like the fact that I shave a lot more often, for instance. No more whiskers. My weight has also fluctuated, dipping as low as 121 lbs, but it now sits at a healthy 136.5 lbs, with a good chunk of the added weight being muscle. Yes, I finally acquired a gym membership and have been hitting the weights four, maybe five times a week. I've done loads to my car, something that I'll dedicate an entire entry to one day, but let's just say that I've discovered slammed life to be a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. I went to my first rave the other week, and have many more planned in the near future. We'll talk about that later, as well. Work has been typical, steady, consistent; 30-hour workweeks become tiresome at times, but the raise and perks that I was recently blessed with help keep things interesting. And school, the most dreaded necessity of all for many people, has done nothing but remind me that I've absolutely no clue as to what path I want to dedicate myself to. At the very least, however, my mind is brimming with ideas as to what I aspire to do. And I've finished that dreaded IGETC. Finally. 

And of course, let's not forget the beautiful people in my life. To be honest, a tiny, no a very minute part of me misses the social aspect of high school - the fact that you would see the same faces in class every day, or around campus, or at the local Target after school, and you would just know that they're there. Not at all like "the real world", where faces become blurs and everyone moves from one point to the next, carrying about their own business. Nonetheless, this only strengthens the bond that I have with those that I make an active effort to spend time with, and those that reciprocate the thought. I've never been one to have dozens upon dozens of friends ready and willing to go out with me whenever I please, never was one of the "popular" kids...but that's alright. Those that I do have, I hold very dear to me. My parents and my family, first and foremost. My coworkers, many of whom have become some of my closest friends beyond the workplace. My NorCal Celica family, because we spend more time just hanging out and being silly with each other than we do actually talking about car stuff. All of the various friends who enjoy my company enough to send me a text every now and then, asking if I'd like to grab a bite to eat or hang out at a park somewhere. And my best friend, someone who I've been close to for a number of years now, but only very recently started to see that out of everybody that I know, she's one of the select few who truly accepts me for who I am. I love you all. 

What a wild ride it's been so far, 2012. I'm not going to lie: I've probably spent as much time being sad, depressed, bitter, upset, and abso-fucking-lutely stupid as I've spent being truly happy so far this year, but in retrospect, I've also lived up to my expectations, perhaps even exceeded them. I told myself I would take more risks. I've definitely done so; just ask my heart, my body, and my wallet. I said that I would spend more time with my loved ones; I still kiss my mom goodnight, every single night, and I've never been in better company whenever I go out with my friends. I wanted to be a bit more open with my thoughts and feelings, let people in on what I'm feeling; maybe I could use some work on this, but overall, not bad! And I promised that this year would be my year; well, I'm having a blast, and the year ain't even close to over. 

Let's see what else you've got in store for me, 2012. I'm ready. 

The Fighter From The Streets.

Alesso...you are amazing.

I apologize. I haven't been in much of a writing mood for the past couple of months despite my vow that I would keep up with this blog more often than I did last year. Some things, you think they won't affect you that much or prevent you from the simple joys of blogging or photography or playing a musical instrument, but in the end, they just end up getting in the way - things like school, work, distress in relationships...you know, "the usual". But in fact, lately I haven't even been feeling much of anything, if at all. You can only get cut so deep and so many times before the wound begins to swell, and soon enough you're taking the hits without really feeling it at all.

I wake up. Roll over, hit the snooze button, maybe once, maybe twice, maybe five times before finally getting up. I check the notifications on my phone; its my turn for a couple of games, perhaps a new notification or a "like" or two on one of my posts. If I'm lucky, a text from someone who feels the need to share something on their mind or is wondering what I'm doing later on in the day, but nothing monumental. I hop out of bed and slip into my torn monkey slippers, walking drearily down the hallway and into the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower will get me up-and-going and eager for the day ahead of me. It never works, yet I keep telling myself that it will. The rest of my day is simply not worth going into detail over.

"Have you talked to her lately?", she asked as we drove home, me in the passenger seat, for once. An unexpected question to be sure, but not a surprising one, if that makes any sense at all. I hesitate for a moment - after all, it has been over a month and, for the most part, I've kept quiet about the whole thing, hoping that it'd pass me by sooner or later - before telling her that it's been on and off; brief conversations here and there, maybe a couple of humorous pictures sent, but nothing like what it used to be. "It's whatever". I can't believe I really said that. Is it really "whatever"? Maybe, maybe not. "There's not much I can do about it now, though". Maybe that's the truth, or so I tell myself until the dreadful, nagging voice in the back of my mind whispers, "You know, if you really cared about your friendship..."

People have always had a way of telling me that things will be okay. My more religious friends will tell me that God has a plan, and that whatever challenges He puts me through will only benefit me and strengthen me as a person. I'm not quite sure if I completely buy into that. Others tell me to keep my chin up, reminding me that I've been through adversity before and have gotten through the tough times just fine. There's no denying that much, but at times I ask myself, "What have I learned from all of those past experiences?". My mind is sluggish to come up with a coherent, rational answer to that question.

Sometimes I wake up, and I want to do nothing yet everything all at once. I look up at the clouds, see the sun break over the crest of the hills overlooking the city, birds flying in formation across the backdrop of endless sky. How dearly I want to meet someone with no premeditated intentions or motives and just be. And the roads, oh, all of the roads I'd travel upon, just drive on until I reach the Pacific and catch a glimpse of the sun on the horizon.

There is a definite sense of adventure that I have clearly been lacking in my life. Sure, the money is good and the spontaneous trip to Vegas was nice, but caviar and fine wine is no replacement for the uplifting "double-shot of adrenaline" rush that only a few things in life can produce.

Getting only five hours of sleep and then taking on a full day of school and work, however, is not one of those things. May my mind be at ease and my soul at peace for the time being, until I can put the pieces back together.

Glass Half Full

On-point as always. Do you.