Derezzed

Daft Punk + Avicii = no words.

Flowers.

What a crazy ride its been so far. Less than a year has passed since the day I walked that very stage with a beaming grin, anxious to get out of that dreary establishment as quickly and quietly as possible. And there I was, just the other day, standing on the same field that I once mingled upon, only this this, I felt even more like an outsider - as if that was even possible. Yet in a sense, it was a comforting experience as well. Old faces surrounded me and provided a feeling of familiarity, while at the same time bringing me back down to earth. The mixing of two starkly different states of being was indeed quite unique.

I sent my siblings a message last night, letting them know how my studies have gone so far, with hopes that they would lend a proverbial hand or two to me in paving my future paths. They have not yet replied, which is perfectly understandable; my brother is vacationing in New York, while my sister has just returned home from her honeymoon. An aunt and uncle of mine are visiting from Vietnam, and my sister-in-law's sister gave birth the other night. My family is swelling with activity, yet morning in and morning out, I remain idle, only able to express myself through these meager words. I am not sure what I should do anymore.


I am missing a conduit.


It's time to climb this pyramid.

Just don't feel the same.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I know I shouldn't, but fuck, it's been so long already and for some reason, you're still just there, in my mind. Makes no sense whatsoever, right? I'm not quite sure what's going on in this head of mine anymore. I already know that it's over and that there's no way in the nine or seven or however many levels of hell there are that we could possibly work things out, so why am I still thinking about it? Who knows. I guess the past eight months or so of being antisocial is starting to catch up to me; although my accomplishments are numerous, my shortcomings far overshadow whatever success I've achieved lately, or at least I think so. The ironic thing is that nobody thinks I'm inadequate except...well, me.

But whatever, fuck it, it's nearly summer. And yes, I've said "fuck" twice already in this blog entry. I don't usually curse, at least not in my blog, but what good is having a little piece of canvas to write upon if one can't truly let his or her emotions out? Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am pretty excited, not gonna lie. Summer is a time to be artsy, and I've already got some projects in mind and new horizons to chase. The grind is great, but the same ol' same ol' just ain't doing it for me anymore. It's time for something new. It's time, now.

notes

It's been so long since I've written here. Part of growing up means that one has to take on more responsibilities, leaving little free time for the pursuit of deep thought. Ironically, its mostly when doing these mundane day-to-day tasks such as washing dishes at work or hastily filling out forms that I have the tendency to zone out for moments on end and just think about where I am, what I've done, who I've become. It would seem to me that my character has remained stagnant throughout these past six months or so, and according to Mill, stagnancy is never a good thing. Yet one could also argue that I've made great strides in becoming an ideal member of society, despite losing bits and pieces of "me" along the way. What's really going on with me? Who knows anymore.

My world has lost all sense of color, taste, and the other luxuries that make life worth living; everything looks the same, tastes the same, feels the same, but somehow I have elevated. Everything is the same, except for me. I breathe in the inspiration surrounding me, hoping that I'll happen to take in the right combination and that I'll be able to make something amazing out of it, and in a fraction of a moment I breathe it right out, an incompatible mixture leaving my being as I take another breath and hope for something illuminating. The search seems to go on forever.

I don't think its really occurred to me until now that I haven't had a break in a long time. Thank goodness I'm getting away for the next few days. It's time to fill up the iPod again; I just might strike gold this time around.



Pz.