Alesso...you are amazing.
I apologize. I haven't been in much of a writing mood for the past couple of months despite my vow that I would keep up with this blog more often than I did last year. Some things, you think they won't affect you that much or prevent you from the simple joys of blogging or photography or playing a musical instrument, but in the end, they just end up getting in the way - things like school, work, distress in relationships...you know, "the usual". But in fact, lately I haven't even been feeling much of anything, if at all. You can only get cut so deep and so many times before the wound begins to swell, and soon enough you're taking the hits without really feeling it at all.
I wake up. Roll over, hit the snooze button, maybe once, maybe twice, maybe five times before finally getting up. I check the notifications on my phone; its my turn for a couple of games, perhaps a new notification or a "like" or two on one of my posts. If I'm lucky, a text from someone who feels the need to share something on their mind or is wondering what I'm doing later on in the day, but nothing monumental. I hop out of bed and slip into my torn monkey slippers, walking drearily down the hallway and into the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower will get me up-and-going and eager for the day ahead of me. It never works, yet I keep telling myself that it will. The rest of my day is simply not worth going into detail over.
"Have you talked to her lately?", she asked as we drove home, me in the passenger seat, for once. An unexpected question to be sure, but not a surprising one, if that makes any sense at all. I hesitate for a moment - after all, it has been over a month and, for the most part, I've kept quiet about the whole thing, hoping that it'd pass me by sooner or later - before telling her that it's been on and off; brief conversations here and there, maybe a couple of humorous pictures sent, but nothing like what it used to be. "It's whatever". I can't believe I really said that. Is it really "whatever"? Maybe, maybe not. "There's not much I can do about it now, though". Maybe that's the truth, or so I tell myself until the dreadful, nagging voice in the back of my mind whispers, "You know, if you really cared about your friendship..."
People have always had a way of telling me that things will be okay. My more religious friends will tell me that God has a plan, and that whatever challenges He puts me through will only benefit me and strengthen me as a person. I'm not quite sure if I completely buy into that. Others tell me to keep my chin up, reminding me that I've been through adversity before and have gotten through the tough times just fine. There's no denying that much, but at times I ask myself, "What have I learned from all of those past experiences?". My mind is sluggish to come up with a coherent, rational answer to that question.
Sometimes I wake up, and I want to do nothing yet everything all at once. I look up at the clouds, see the sun break over the crest of the hills overlooking the city, birds flying in formation across the backdrop of endless sky. How dearly I want to meet someone with no premeditated intentions or motives and just be. And the roads, oh, all of the roads I'd travel upon, just drive on until I reach the Pacific and catch a glimpse of the sun on the horizon.
There is a definite sense of adventure that I have clearly been lacking in my life. Sure, the money is good and the spontaneous trip to Vegas was nice, but caviar and fine wine is no replacement for the uplifting "double-shot of adrenaline" rush that only a few things in life can produce.
Getting only five hours of sleep and then taking on a full day of school and work, however, is not one of those things. May my mind be at ease and my soul at peace for the time being, until I can put the pieces back together.
I apologize. I haven't been in much of a writing mood for the past couple of months despite my vow that I would keep up with this blog more often than I did last year. Some things, you think they won't affect you that much or prevent you from the simple joys of blogging or photography or playing a musical instrument, but in the end, they just end up getting in the way - things like school, work, distress in relationships...you know, "the usual". But in fact, lately I haven't even been feeling much of anything, if at all. You can only get cut so deep and so many times before the wound begins to swell, and soon enough you're taking the hits without really feeling it at all.
I wake up. Roll over, hit the snooze button, maybe once, maybe twice, maybe five times before finally getting up. I check the notifications on my phone; its my turn for a couple of games, perhaps a new notification or a "like" or two on one of my posts. If I'm lucky, a text from someone who feels the need to share something on their mind or is wondering what I'm doing later on in the day, but nothing monumental. I hop out of bed and slip into my torn monkey slippers, walking drearily down the hallway and into the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower will get me up-and-going and eager for the day ahead of me. It never works, yet I keep telling myself that it will. The rest of my day is simply not worth going into detail over.
"Have you talked to her lately?", she asked as we drove home, me in the passenger seat, for once. An unexpected question to be sure, but not a surprising one, if that makes any sense at all. I hesitate for a moment - after all, it has been over a month and, for the most part, I've kept quiet about the whole thing, hoping that it'd pass me by sooner or later - before telling her that it's been on and off; brief conversations here and there, maybe a couple of humorous pictures sent, but nothing like what it used to be. "It's whatever". I can't believe I really said that. Is it really "whatever"? Maybe, maybe not. "There's not much I can do about it now, though". Maybe that's the truth, or so I tell myself until the dreadful, nagging voice in the back of my mind whispers, "You know, if you really cared about your friendship..."
People have always had a way of telling me that things will be okay. My more religious friends will tell me that God has a plan, and that whatever challenges He puts me through will only benefit me and strengthen me as a person. I'm not quite sure if I completely buy into that. Others tell me to keep my chin up, reminding me that I've been through adversity before and have gotten through the tough times just fine. There's no denying that much, but at times I ask myself, "What have I learned from all of those past experiences?". My mind is sluggish to come up with a coherent, rational answer to that question.
Sometimes I wake up, and I want to do nothing yet everything all at once. I look up at the clouds, see the sun break over the crest of the hills overlooking the city, birds flying in formation across the backdrop of endless sky. How dearly I want to meet someone with no premeditated intentions or motives and just be. And the roads, oh, all of the roads I'd travel upon, just drive on until I reach the Pacific and catch a glimpse of the sun on the horizon.
There is a definite sense of adventure that I have clearly been lacking in my life. Sure, the money is good and the spontaneous trip to Vegas was nice, but caviar and fine wine is no replacement for the uplifting "double-shot of adrenaline" rush that only a few things in life can produce.
Getting only five hours of sleep and then taking on a full day of school and work, however, is not one of those things. May my mind be at ease and my soul at peace for the time being, until I can put the pieces back together.
