Sometimes it helps to be reminded that you're only human.

Primacy.

Another late night on this end. What's new?

Well, I'll tell you what's new. This quarter is almost over, that's a relief. I still can't believe how quickly time has flown; twelve weeks is really shorter than it sounds. I'm wide awake, as usual, only instead of cramming for finals like so many of my colleagues are doing, I'm instead practicing the art of introspection, shining lights into places that perhaps shouldn't be explored. I've been fortunate enough to have myself a relatively light workload this week: I have class in the morning for about two hours (listening to presentations, mostly), then leisure time for myself for the next couple of days. Following that, it's two hours of class on Wednesday morning, where I'll again be sitting through presentations. Wrap it all up with two mid-day finals on Friday and a week-ending closing shift, and then I'm relieved of these burdens for the rest of the year.

I know the week has just begun, but all this free time has me thinking. What's in a year? Laughter, joy, heartache, tears, smiles. Maturation and growth. Only to me, I'm fearful that the type of change I've undergone during the latter pat of the year haven't exactly been fulfilling. Lately I've loved no one but myself; I suppose that isn't a total sin, because after all, I work hard, and I feel I should have a little something to show for it. Still, I can't help but feel that perhaps there's one too many chips on my shoulder, too many scars, remnants of past burns. It's such a shame that picking at scars and scabs is so fun, since doing so never seems to do much good.

Recently, I gave a presentation on the type of relationship that I share with my siblings. I'll admit it, I BS'ed most of it, as any crafty college student would do. In the limited amount of research that I actually did, however, I found an article stating that one of the keys to a healthy relationship with a sibling is to not compare yourself to who they are or your achievements to theirs. Immediately upon reading this, I realized two things: one, that this is absolutely what I do, and two, that this is true not only of your relationship with your siblings, but your relationship with, well, pretty much anybody.

And so often do I look at others surrounding me, often with adoring eyes, both amazed yet envious and what they've achieved and how far they've come, only to look down at my own two feet and realize that I've only taken baby steps. In many ways, this fuels me. That chip on my shoulder? It's knowing that there's someone out there who has a better job than me, goes to a better school, makes more money, drives a nicer car, walks and talks taller than I can. This is what fuels me to wake up every day and put in work, day in and day out, in hopes that the fruits of my labor will blossom soon. But sometimes, I just want to slow it down.


And on that note, I stifle my thoughts for another day. To be continued.

'tis the season for packages...

I love getting things in the mail.

One step at a time.

Damn, and I'm already giddy.

Sweetness.

My, where has all the time gone...it seems just like yesterday that I was cruisin' through the city, car stuffed to the brim with friends, food, and the miscellaneous junk that the typical teenage girl has laying around in her whip. We chased horizons and snuck up on sunsets, and light found its way into every crevice and cranny. And now, everything seems to have faded into darkness.

Since I started school at the end of September, I've also started working part-time again, racking up more hours a week than I ever did in the past year, and while most days its just business as usual, last night was more "serendipitous" than most. Upon clocking in, I was met with a man hovering near the back door of the store, watching our every move like a hawk eying its prey; I suppose corporate decided that it was as appropriate a day as ever to send one of their suits to our store to see whether or not we were meeting our standards. Luckily, he was out of there within an hour or so, but not before bidding us good tidings for the holidays, to which we warmly wished him the same. I also had the impression that he saw something that piqued his interest. Am I getting too far ahead of myself here? Stop me before I consider the possibili...oh, too late.

Midway through my shift and shortly after the daily slam had started to hit us, the line going out the door and all, I gleefully stepped up to the counter-top and called out, "Next party in line!", to which I was graced with the presence of a being so captivating that I simply couldn't help but let my lips crack into a faint yet gentle smile as I spoke with her. I took note of her unusual appearance: a classy yet casual peacoat, a nose ring that would have looked like a fashion disaster on any other girl, teal peak-a-boos accenting her playfully shoulder-length & slightly unkempt hair (but not in a "wow-you-went-out-looking-like-THAT?" way) that seemed to perfectly compliment her in ways indescribable. It isn't often that I'm fortunate enough to have the luxury of helping a customer so pleasing to the eyes, and naturally, I let myself experiment and play a bit throughout the process, seeing if my warm words and genuine compassion would be reciprocated - and they were. And just like that, my night became a little less cold and a little more bright. It's amazing what a pretty face and a nice smile can do.

Later that night, I was visited by an old friend, who saw me working and decided to drop in and say hi. I'm surprised that she recognized me after all these years; actually, I'm surprised that she remembers me at all. And while the visit was mostly pleasant, I only wish that she hadn't brought up "that" incident which occurred some five months ago. Sometimes, the world has a funny way of reminding you of things which you desperately want to forget. It's as if its telling you something. But what? If only I knew.

Life may get me feeling pretty down-in-the-dumps every now and then, but there's always a reason to get up every morning and keep on. Sometimes, doing you is the hardest thing to do in the world, but in the end, there's no greater feeling.

The sun is finally shining again. I think its time for some pictures soon. Until then, dreams will have to do.

Cognitive Dissonance

My mind is in disarray. My senses are blurred. I feel as if I've been overcome by something, although I don't quite know what. Nights grow restless and I don't have the same pep and enthusiasm that I used to have waking up every morning, eager for a brand new day. It's been an odd couple of months. I probably appear desperate to some people. Maybe I am, who knows. It's been so long since I've gotten anywhere with anyone, and this burn inside my chest only grows day by day. I don't know what I want from you anymore. I need to dip.

Good Fortune.

Just my luck. I would get a date the day after I write an incredibly long-winded post about my past affairs.

Maybe I should complain more often.

Members Only.

Why am I still awake?

I was going to rant about how I (almost) came to the conclusion that all women are fickle creatures who are afraid of commitment, but then I realized that I know better than that. I guess I'm just frustrated with the way things have been going with the ladies as of late. Among the four or five objects of my affection over the past half a year or so, one only wanted sex, one never wanted sex, another was much too needy and overly obsessive, and the others all kind of just...moved on. Call me cocky (I call it confidence), but I'm just not used to striking out so often and so frequently. It's a different feeling, for sure. I'm also usually not this open about my current state of affairs, but its not like anyone reads this thing, anyway.

I haven't picked up my camera since...who knows when. School and work has consumed most of my time, and whatever time I have left over is spent huddled over textbooks, trying to get a head-start on the next week's assignments, bracing myself for a 24 hour+ workweek and being out and about for 12+ hours a day. At least the pay is (marginally) better than what I was making earlier in the year, and the people are friendly. I've made a lot of friends in a few of my classes. I feel as if I'm getting close to a breakthrough. I have no idea what I'm talking about or hinting at, but I just feel as if something big is around the corner.

I've seen her three...maybe four times in the past few weeks. Salt in the wounds. This bitch has the nerve to sweet-talk me, lead me to believe that she was genuinely interested in who I am as a person when all she really wanted was a little unf. It still stings, you know. Oddly, though, if it weren't for that one night, I don't think I ever would have become as open as a person as I am now. Sometimes I wonder if I've lowered my standards or reduced my moral and ethical well-being. At the end of the day, though, it's all in good fun. No one has to get hurt, and that's okay with me.

Being on campus after dark sure brings back memories. As the sun sinks below the terraces and the cheap, dingy amber-yellow lamps flicker to life, I can't help but mentally transplant myself back to last fall. My first quarter of college. I was a lost kid at the time, as many people were when they first began life after high school, but if there was some comfort to be found on that cold, dreary campus, it was in seeing her and knowing that someone else out there is in the same shoes. I would often linger near the door prior to and after class, and especially during breaks, hoping to get a glimpse of this stranger who at the same time carried with her an aura of familiarity, something that made me feel at home away from home. Day by day, I would look at her with endearing adoration, hoping for a chance at conversation; the day that we passed by each other and exchanged brief yet fervent smiles was perhaps one of the most blissful days of college I've had so far.

Too bad I didn't know that that was a "I wanna fuck your fucking brains out, let's fucking DO IT already" smile, and not a "Let's be friends, get to know each other, see if we can make something happen" smile.

My biggest quandary this summer was that an amazingly attractive girl wanted to have sex with me, and I didn't want to put out. First world problems, for sure.

Sometimes I wonder if I play hard-to-get or if I'm just plain hardheaded.

I really need to get some sleep.

winter kills

Well, what a weekend I've had.

Finding out that you're allergic to something is never fun, especially when you have to find out the hard way. Fuck you, crustaceans.

On the bright side, I did get a lot of shit done. Cut my hair. Got my paid. Did some lightweight maintenance on my car. Still need to sell these damn rims.

Time to eat some yogurt, watch some Simpsons, and get some sleep. School, werk, school, werk, repeat.

Wetness all around me, though. Good thing I know how to swim.


--

Big.

This could be big for me and you, we could do anything.

Something is different about me. Something has definitely changed. I'm not as shy as I once was, no longer reserved or fearful that the world is going to shoot me down every time I spread my wings. I'll take what I can get, but don't mistake that for being desperate; I like to think of it as being an opportunist. At any rate, this period of rapid growth has done wonders for my development into a fully-fledged & potentially realized person, and I tremble at the thought of what future challenges await me, not so much in fear, but more in eager anticipation and a "grab the bull by the horns" attitude. For now, I am satisfied, but soon enough, I shall hunger again; I've already had a little taste of what my future may bring, and the flavor lingers on my tongue still. But until then...I guess it wouldn't hurt to just sit down, relax, and enjoy what I've got.


Happy November.

Twelve Minutes.

I keep returning to the scene of the crime. I don't know why. I just do. Something about that place has a certain allure that constantly draws me in every time I have a relapse. In a sense, the peaks and valleys of my life as of late can be drawn and traced to that very place, as varied and ever-changing as the bends and curves of the road itself. Maybe it's the thrill that calls out to me - the sensation of speeding along a winding mountain road, grand homes on either side of me, their inhabitants fast asleep as I come speeding through. My voice is nowhere to be found, my mouth is at a loss for words that are just teetering on the tip of my tongue, so instead, I let my roaring engine do the talking for me. Time and space itself is linked, inexorably, to the gravel and asphalt of this road that I've come to call my sort of "private place", somewhere only I know, and I only hope that as I'm kicking in the clutch, downshifting, hearing the motor rev up to a hearty 8,000 RPM as I brace myself for the next turn, that perhaps somehow, by a stroke of fate or maybe just pure luck, a bolt of lightning will strike my car when I hit 88MPH and I'll be sent back in time and given the chance to correct some of these wrongs, or maybe sent to the future with the opportunity to see what will become all of this.

But that never happens. That's only in the movies, like all of this other stuff I used to long for. And I tell myself to keep going, keep on pushing, never stopping for anything. But I'll tell you this much: it's real hard to navigate through all this when your vision is blurred by the tears you're holding back.

Hol'Up

Back in this bitch.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. My apologies for the lack of updates; I've been in orbit lately, literally in the sense that I've racked up quite a few frequent flier miles lately as I've traveled this wondrous country of ours, and metaphorically in the sense that my productivity is at a peak, going to school full-time again and working 20+ hours a week. This jet-setter life gets tiring at times, but whatever it takes to get there. I'm all 'bout that progress, baby.

This past month or so has been something of an enlightening soul-search, and although I say this every time something momentous occurs in my life, I must admit that the end result feels far more satisfying than my previous pursuits. And speaking of the pursuit: I endear it. The road is a much funner place when you're in no rush to get to your destination, and there are few things in this life that excite me more than the feeling of sticky rubber on asphalt, a quick downshift as I ease up on the gas and peel back, sliding a couple of lanes over before kicking the clutch in and speeding off into the sunset.

In many ways, the way that I drive is symbolic and representative of the way I live my life: each and every motion is performed with an intimate touch, yet is fueled by passion and a hunger for the thrill at the same time. No longer am I that timid sixteen year old, sitting behind the wheel of his mother's car - an automatic, of course - afraid of hopping onto the freeway, fearing that the merge might get the best of him and have him crashing into another craft. Nope, I've taken complete control now. I don't think I could ever go back to driving an automatic again - speaking both about my car as well as my life.



30,000 feet in the air.

EDM

is good grinding music, if you catch my drift.

NOTE TO SELF: Stop looking for it. It will find you.

♥

worn souls

You probably can't read the print on these books, but this is a picture of a book-spinner (for lack of a better term) that I saw in the souvenir shop @ SFMOMA. Each one of these books is a city guide for many of the world's most magnificent hot spots - Delhi, Tokyo, Chicago, Madrid, Vegas, Palma, Milan, Buenos Aires, Valencia, Beijing, and everywhere in between. Oh, how I would love to have the opportunity to travel the world one day, taking in the sights, enjoying a cup of coffee as the locals pass by or trying out the nightlife, waking up the next morning in a hotel suite overlooking the scenes of everyday life in a world unknown to me. Sometimes, I'd just like to get away, and be by myself; not literally, but more like "away from the people that I know". Who knows what kind of interesting characters I'll meet on my travels? The wonders that I will see...and of course, no trip would be complete without sampling the finest delicacies the city has to offer. Food is life, am I right?


It's the little things that I happen to run into that keep me motivated.

You see, the problem with me is that I keep my head in the past. Too often I am gazing back upon one incident or another, recalling all of the memories and emotions that these situations once held, and often times wracking my brain in an attempt to figure out how to recreate these moments of wonder. One of these days, I will have to wake up and realize that no matter what ingenious plan I come up with or how much I tell myself it can happen, nothing is ever going to bring back these opportunities that I let slip by. I can, however, go out there and put myself in a position to embrace new challenges and create even more chances for whatever it is that I desire most at the time, whether it be love, lust, or just a chance to stand on top of the world - I can build on these past experiences, basically. The more you do something, the better you become at it. Right?


Hey look, it's about to be a brand-new day.

"Lights get low, and that's when I have my brightest ideas."

How'd a pile of kush become a mountain of truth? How'd a bottle of wine become the fountain of youth? Just lie to my ears; tell me you feel the same, that's all I've been dyin' to hear.

Paradise.

Well, what a weekend it has been. Let's recap. I was in the middle of my daily elliptical run on Thursday (because Thursday night is the start of the weekend when you're a college student) when Randy texted me asking if I wanted to grab some Cluck's before the game. After finishing my routine and taking a hasty shower of about...four and a half minutes, I threw on my sole pair of jeans along with the nearest Packers shirt I could find and rushed out the door to pick him up. We headed to Costco since I was running low on gas, and then promptly took tenth street all the way downtown, where we circled third and fourth street a couple of times, on the prowl for a parking spot. I hate parking downtown, but oh well; it gave me a chance to practice parallel parking.

We were running late. I wanted to get our food and get back home before the game started, but unfortunately getting gas and finding parking took longer than expected. Luckily, they had the game on inside, and there were plenty of Packers fans, surprisingly. I felt right at home after hearing the uproar of cheers as Mr. Rodgers lasered in yet another perfect pass to Jennings in the endzone. I swear, though, I'm never going to the downtown Cluck's again. It's just too much of hassle to find and pay for parking, not to mention that it was much more cramped than I was expecting and they took forever to finish our order. Definitely going to be sticking to my beloved Cupertino location.

After our food came out, we sped home and ran indoors. My dad and his friends all had their eyes glued to their TV, and as I walked into the living room, I saw a piece of paper with a grid drawn on it along with an assortment of numbers and letters, and a couple of $20 bills on the table. It's unusual to see my parents gambling, but I guess they're loosening up and enjoying life a little more now that my mom is retired and our bills are becoming less of an issue. David arrived shortly after we got home, and that's pretty much what we did: watch football, pig out, and knock down a couple of beers. The good life, right?

Speaking of beer, I'm both pleasantly surprised as well as a little worried with how laid back my parents have become lately. Last month, I threw a going-away get-together for my friend Jess, who was leaving for San Diego. My parents didn't say anything about all the alcohol that we came up with. In fact, my dad even played some beer pong with us, and lately, he's been asking me if I want a beer or two. Sometimes I take him up on his offer, and other times I tell him no, and opt for a glass of water or some Arizona instead. While I like the fact that I can drink with my dad now, sometimes I worry that my parents aren't being hard enough on me. It's been a crazy couple of months; between all the going out, coming home in the middle of the night, partying, clubbing, drinking, and all of the other "young and stupid" things that I've been doing, such as planking on fountains, sometimes I feel as if I get off the hook with a lot of stuff, maybe even too much.

Then again, my parents are getting older, and so am I. Maybe they've finally realized that I'm not a child anymore, and that I can go out and have a good time while still being a responsible adult. And maybe these thoughts of "I have it easy" are really just reflective of me being too hard on myself. Come to think of it, I've been a stiff for pretty much all my life; I've never been the type to go out and do something crazy and reckless. I was always the goody-two-shoes, playing it safe, rather than sorry. Maybe now is the time to get myself out there and start living a bit...within my own limits, of course. As much as I may want my parents to crack down on me a little more, maybe its good that they're letting me roam free; after all, nobody truly knows my limits except for me. Nobody knows what I am and am not capable of except for me, and only after I've given it my all. It's just a part of growing up.

But all in all, its been a chill couple of weeks. I watched the game earlier with my dad and my uncle. We devoured a large pizza from Round Table and knocked down a few beers between the three of us. Other than football, my past couple of days have been filled with cars; I washed Anna's car for her yesterday as well as my dad's car, and then helped my dad wax and shine his car earlier tonight. There's no better sight to see than an exquisitely clean car that you yourself have personally worked on. Even if its not my own car, I just love working on a car and being able to look at the finished product and say to myself, "Wow, I did that...and its amazing."

To tell the truth, though, I didn't help my dad all that much; I only buffed out one layer of wax for him. In comparison, I gave his car the whole treatment the other year: wash, clean, clay-barred, waxed, shined, the works; I spent about 10 hours working on his car, back in 2009 - the day after Kababayan Fest, actually - working on it all by myself, in the blistering July heat, and while it was tiring, I was handsomely rewarded with a $50 bill and an ice-cold can of Budweiser. I don't know why I didn't help my dad out this year. I offered to help, but he refused, and I had to literally grab a towel from him and just start working on the car anyway in order for him to let me help out. I think he's at that point in his life where he wants to do these types of things by himself, for himself, just so that he knows that he's still got it in him. And part of me wants to let him do these things so that he can feel young again...yet still, another part of me cries, no, weeps softly at the thought of my dad growing older, getting ready for retirement, knowing that all he wants is to feel young again.

It's this duality that haunts me on a daily basis. I know my parents just want to feel young and "free" again; that's why they have these karaoke parties every night, complete with their own live band and all, and why they go to Santana Row to hang out on the weekends and go on spontaneous trips to the beach. Should I feel bad for leaving them, wanting to do my own thing? I'm young, too...and I have plans, big plans. Yet there's a sharp pain in my heart every time I have to tell my mom not to cook dinner because I'm going out tonight, or that I'll be home late tonight and that she shouldn't wait up for me. Honestly, I can't wait until Thanksgiving, because then we'll have the whole family together again. At least, I hope so; I don't even know if my brother is going to come home. He's in Japan right now. My parents don't know this. I didn't even know this, I had to find out via Facebook. At least he's having a good time, though.

I feel as if things are moving way too fast for my liking, and I'm just caught in the current, unable to escape it so I swim along with it, not knowing where it'll lead me. Is it time for something new already? I told myself that I was done with relationships after all that's happened recently. Honestly, who knows. Every relationship that I've ever been in felt like I was running a race, yet I didn't even know where the finish line was. I was just running for the thrill of it, hoping to see some glimmer of a finish up ahead. Now, I just want to slow it down. I want someone who will just lay there with me, not even doing anything if either of us don't feel like it. Just someone who'll be there. We can forget it all the next morning; for now, just be there. That's it.

How long have I been typing this post? I feel as if its been too long. Until the next time-

bringing your favorite flowers, sit up and talk for hours just to hear you laugh

I don't think this will ever get old.

Fuck, can I just have a normal relationship for once? Is that too much to ask?

sleepeasy.

Just a little something to take off the edge. It's been a rough weekend.

Almost two years now. It's funny how much has changed...and how some things never change.

Trust Issues.

Look at this monster you made; now I'm the one that has to kill it.

for the thrill of it

And not two minutes after clicking "publish post", my mind begins to scramble, frantically searching for something to counter my previous entry, a little something to balance out this young-and-fast lifestyle that I've been living; for as fun as its been, there are times when a man has to know his limits. There are problems that alcohol cannot wash away, cuts and scars that even the strongest herbs cannot heal. I may appear to be a little strung out on compliments; to that, I'd say that a little confidence never hurts. We party hard, there's no denying that; but what better way to acknowledge your accomplishments than by drinking to them? And I may hit the club every now and then - but rest assured, one night of fun only goes so far. This ride isn't over, but nor will it last forever. One day we'll be doing 95 in the coupe cruising down these empty streets, and the next day I'll be cruisin' solo, taking my sweet time, enjoying the scenic route as I cruise down memory late, waving goodbye to "Ms. Right Now"'s place in my rear-view mirror and taking the nearest exit for "Ms. Right"'s house. And I say "the nearest exit" because, well, I can't lie: I'm pretty impatient at times. But I've also learned that flooring it is never ever ever a good idea, and until I get there, its nothing but me, my car, the road, and these sweet, sweet dreams.




Baby, I'm not tired of the chase. I just need someone who'll chase back.

southern comfort

It's only been three months since this new way of living has crept into my world, but it feels as if its been much longer than that. I cannot even begin to sort out all of the foreign luxuries and features that come with this state of being and somehow paste them together into anything that even remotely resembles a rational thought, because that's just how crazy this whole ride has been. Sleeping at the crack of dawn. Sneaking out in the middle of the night, cracking the door open ever-so-slowly as to not make it creak. Late-night runs to fast food establishments that would otherwise never be visited if it weren't for the fact that they're open until the wee hours of the morning. Long-awaited trips to the beach, the sunset streaking across the sky, the horizon and the windshield of our car becoming one with each other. Spontaneous outings, literally planned an hour or two before taking place, just packing up the bags and throwing them into the car, our blood pumping as we seek adventure and companionship. Good food, better drinks, the best sex that we never had. Laying down on a tiled garage floor, intoxicated to all hell and back, drowning these sorrows away with drinks that both poison and remedy our souls. Yet deep down, we know it has to end. My eyes speak to me and tell me so each time I look at myself in the mirror. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just forget the other side of things? And to think, I could have had it all.



But this ride isn't over, yet.

they know

You know it was a good night when you wake up the next morning to find a dozen red cups in the bushes in your backyard.

Ruthless

Well, I got absolutely steamrolled in SC2 last night, LOL.

But I made it up by hopping on WoW right after and going 13-4 in 2s with a Frost Mage. Super random comp, but I guess it works! Two of those losses were my fault, too, so we could have easily gone 15-2, but oh well. Finally picked up my T2 axe and ready to kick some butt this season :-) It's too bad Blizzard basically said "screw you, play 3s or gtfo ->" to everyone who plays 2s, otherwise I think I could be pushing some serious rating by now, but its just too hard to find good players willing to compete in a broken bracket. Oh well. I'm still having fun.

Time to shower and then go to Costco with Anna to stock up for tonight's kickback. Peace!

thinking 'bout forever

got a fighter jet I don't get to fly it though, I'm lyin' down, thinkin' bout ya

lookin' at my Gucci, its about that time

One of my all-time favorites <3

Today has all of the makings of a perfect day - I only wish it was a little hotter. Oh well. Off to the beach!

mm

I'm having the midnight munchies the night before my first trip to the beach in about ten years, no bueno. Whyyyyyy does my house have to have so much food in it ):

discovery

Major ramblin' incoming. It's about time, too. This will probably be one of my longest posts ever; sorry to the, like, 2 people who read my blog.

First of all, damn you Facebook for implementing the "On this day in 2010..." feature, which shows you what your status updates said exactly a year ago. What did I say on August 16th, 2010? "Sushi in Daly City, Sprinkles at Stanford Shopping Center, Counseling 100, and a late-night Starbucks run. Not a bad way to start the week, not at all."And indeed, that was a very relaxing and needed day, but it also saddens me that I haven't had many of those days lately. Allow me to elaborate...

I miss it, so, so much. I don't know what "it" is. "It" isn't just one thing, it's many - people, places, the things I saw and the emotions I felt. My days have been gray as of late, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to be excited about things. Is this what college does to a man? I say this all the time, because its true: over the past year, I've been more productive than ever. I've gotten my first job, my first car, started college, met new people, and learned a little about what its like to live as an adult with expenses to pay and responsibilities to attend to. I've succeeded, for the most part, in the progression of myself as a fully-functioning individual in today's society. But, quite simply, that isn't enough for me.

I often reminisce upon the days of yore, thinking back to when I was just a youngling, eager to see the world and not yet exposed to the realities of the world. Sometimes I think that by doing this, I'm just being irrational and attempting to relive my childhood - and maybe I am. But so much has changed since then, and I can't help but to feel lost amidst it all.

My family...we don't appear to be as close anymore. My mom retired a few months ago, and I'm really glad for her, because after twenty-five plus years of hard work just to put food on the table, lord knows she deserves it. My dad is hard at work, as always. My sister got married in May, and I'm terribly happy for her and her husband, the airline pilot. They've settled down in Signal Hill with their own place and all, just the two of them and our lovely family dog, Archie. My brother and his wife are still living large in Burbank, making insane amounts of bank and enjoying what LA has to offer. But despite our individual successes, I feel as if we're no longer a family...my brother, for some reason, has an extreme dislike for San Jose, and absolutely refuses to come home for the holidays, which means that my parents and I have to head down south to be with them. And my sister, now that she's a happily married woman, will be spending more time with her husband's family for the holidays, which means that she may not be around as much anymore.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I was still a chubby kid, always eager for the holidays because it meant that my siblings would come home. We would all gather in the kitchen and help my mom and my aunts cook...mashed potatoes, that was my brother's specialty. Every year, it would be a surprise; he would decide to throw in some garlic cloves, or maybe a bit of sour cream or butter, and some chives on top. And egg salad, that was always my sister's responsibility, just a simple mixture of potatoes, eggs, and mayonnaise. Stuffing was my thing, because it was the easiest to make, but also my favorite. We would pull out the big rectangular tables and put three or four of them together so there was enough room for everyone - sometimes we had nearly thirty people at dinner! - and we would turn on the radio and just listen to some holiday tunes while my dad would take pictures and my uncles would record us eating and hanging out. After dinner, we would just sit around, basking in our gluttony, and watch some TV, look through the black friday ads, and just talk and laugh with each other. There was always tons of desserts, too: pumpkin pie, jello, cream puffs, you name it.

I think the best part, for me at least, was eating the leftovers with my siblings the following morning. Something about holiday food tastes better after its been in the refrigerator overnight and then taken out and reheated. We would usually be up by 10 or 11 and just eat with each other while watching TV, usually football or some cartoons. My brother would always have tons of DVDs (some of which belong to me now), so we always had something to watch. These were such heartwarming moments of my life, and it saddens me that we may never have something like this again, now that my brother never wants to come home and my sister has her own things to do with her husband. I don't even know where I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I know it's not for quite some time, but it scares me to think that our family might be apart yet again this year...

I feel a little guilty for refusing to go on vacation with my parents. I was in the car the other night with my parents, my brother, and my sis-in-law, on our way to downtown Burbank to grab some coffee after dinner. My parents were talking about possibly going to New York or Chicago sometime in September, before I start school again, but my siblings were telling them how they probably can't come with because they have work and whatnot and can't take time off. I jumped into the conversation and told my parents that I don't want to go if my siblings aren't going because I'll probably be bored. And it's true - god knows I love my parents to death and want to spend time with them, but I'm the kind of person who seeks adventure and wants to see everything that he can. I like traveling, and being on the move. My parents? They're the type of people to walk slowly everywhere, taking in the sights, never in a rush to get anywhere. I feel so conflicted about this; I know they're getting older, and I should spend time with them, but I feel as if I'll seriously be held back if I go with them. I need to go with someone younger, someone like me, someone that fits my lifestyle, and if it's just my parents and I, I probably will be pretty bored and end up waiting for them most of the time. I hope that they don't take this the wrong way, and I really hope that they end up going somewhere. For as long as I remember, they've never been on a vacation without me. I just feel as if they should take some time out for themselves for a bit and spend time with each other, go somewhere romantic, and I hope they realize that I'm on my way to becoming a man and that I'll be fine at home without them. And I, too, have my own adventures to go on, so its not as if I'll be sitting at home moping around waiting for them to come back or anything.

This past weekend, I was in Southern California. I love it to death, but lately, I haven't been having much fun there. Maybe its because I've seen a lot of it already, so nothing is really "new". I spent most of my weekend with my brother and my sis-in-law in Burbank and LA, which was cool. They took me to get some tacos for lunch and then to this outdoor village where we did some window-shopping. After that, we headed over to a bar/lounge type of place, where their friend was DJing. I think I'm in love with the LA lifestyle. Up here in the Bay Area, the only people you ever see wearing brands like Stussy and Supreme are kids my age, trying to show off, but down in LA, a lot of people wear these things, including a lot of older people. You can really tell that these older people don't just wear it, but they live it as well. For them, its not a fashion statement, its a lifestyle. Anyway, the bar was cool. I didn't get carded, so the whole time my brother was handing me beer, and we just drank and chilled and played dominos while our friend was DJing, putting on a Wu-Tang Clan set.

LA is cool, but I think I miss the other areas of SoCal, though. I haven't really spent time in Orange County for the past year or so. I miss my great-aunt Di Be so much. I can't believe its been over a year since she passed away. That woman was amazing; even in her old age, she was as tough as nails and enjoyed life to its fullest. I remember when my cousin (her daughter) decided to come home with a dog, a black lab mix - boy, that thing was out of control! I spent countless nights at their house, only to be awoken by the sound of Rox barking and growling at absolutely nothing. Di Be was the only one who could ever get that dog to shut up, hahah. I miss my cousins Anh Khoa and Chi Hien. I can't imagine what life is like for them...they're still young, only in their thirties, and to live without parents must be terrifying.

I must have gone to SoCal at least twenty times last summer and the summer before that, and I spent so many nights at Khoa's house. That guy knew how to live it up. He covered up two windows on the second story of his apartment (aka the bachelor pad, haha) with boxes of liquor bottles, creating an "alcohol mosaic". It was pretty neat. We would always do the most random stuff; I remember my first time sitting in his Porsche. We were driving down the street to the KFC parking lot so that he could meet up with this guy he found on Craigslist who wanted to buy his laptop. We would often get some bomb-ass grub for dinner - a lot of Boiling Crab or Kyochon Chicken, a lot of finger food - and crack open a few ice-cold Coronas and just pig out. And in the afternoons, we would head down to the pool and go for a swim and then just lay back on the pool chairs, getting our tan on with a couple of beers in hand, and cigarettes for him. I never smoked, nor do I ever plan to. I do enjoy a good beer every now and then. I hate drinking with the intention of getting wasted. I like drinking when its just to chill and hang out, which is why I like beer. Plus it tastes great with most food.

The other year, I went to Disneyland with a close friend of mine right before senior year started. We stayed at Khoa's house, and at the time Di Be was staying there as well. I remember being awoken by that stupid dog on the morning of our first day to be spent at Disneyland, and I found that Di Be went to the market early in the morning before we were even awake so that she could get food and snacks for us to bring into Disneyland <3 Thank you. It's a weird feeling, coping with death. Di Be was the first person to pass away in my family that I really knew and was close to. I didn't cry a single tear at her funeral, but for the first time I saw my sister and my sister-in-law reduced to tears, a truly saddening sight. At the time, I remember asking myself over and over why I didn't cry. I thought something was wrong with me. It's not that I don't miss her, because I do, more than anyone knows, but I think I was able to accept it, just take it in. Her death was not a surprise, by any means; she had been struggling with cancer for the longest time, and it was only a matter of time before she passed. But knowing her, the strong, resilient woman that she was, I feel as if she lived as full of a life as anybody in my family, and I know that she's in a better place now. Rest in peace, Di Be <3

That Disneyland trip was really something, though...I've been meaning to go back, but it also has to be under the right circumstances. At the time that I went to Disneyland, it was just me and a friend of mine, and we had such an amazing time. But what really put the cherry on top for me was the fact that I had somebody to love. I guess you can say that I was "talking" to someone back then, my friend Amery. As much as I enjoyed being at Disneyland, I enjoyed talking to her just as much; she would constantly text me, asking me what ride I'm going on next or when I'm going to come home, telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me and that she can't wait until I'm back home, and occasionally call as I was waiting in line to get onto a ride or to get some food, just to say hi and "check up" on me.

As stupid and irrational as this sounds, I feel like if I were go to Disneyland now, with my wounded and scarred heart and without someone to love, it wouldn't be the same. It's the same reason I chose not to go to my senior prom; I could have found a date if I wanted to, for sure, but I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted my prom to be a night spent with someone truly special to me, not just any girl I decide to ask out. And yeah, if I go to Disneyland now, I'll have fun on all the rides and everything, sure - but it won't be the same. I won't have someone waiting for me at home. I won't have someone in my heart, knowing that she loves me as much as I love her. I'll be at the happiest place on earth, but I won't be as happy as I could truly be. Or at least that's what I believe, which is why I'm saving that Disneyland trip for someone special - whenever that happens. Can't rush things, though, right? It just stinks being third wheel all the time.

I'm a little scared about the upcoming months. Lately I've been hanging out a lot with a group of friends, consisting of my childhood homies Anna and Jessica (who's dad is best friends with my dad, so we're practically like family to each other), their boyfriends David and Christian, respectively, and then our friend Randy, and then me. Randy and I are the "third wheels", so to speak, but we don't really mind. I dunno what I'd do without him, and he texted me the other week when he was at Fantasia with Anna and David, telling me that he needs me and he hella feels like a third wheel, LOL. Slight bromance between us I guess. But forreals, I'm worried - Jessica is moving to SD in 10 days and Anna is going to go back to SB in September. I dunno what we're going to do without the girls, or if we'll even hang out anymore. Randy and I will probably be pretty close still, but other than that, I just don't know. I haven't really hung out with anyone else lately. Most of my other friends have their own things going on or their own groups of friends that they hang out with. Me, I'm the type of guy who's down for anything, anytime, just waiting for people to hit me up to go out somewhere.

Looking at the people around me...I feel as if everybody has become so successful. Everyone has grown and done so much. My mom is now happily retired. My dad is still hard at work, making more bank. My brother and his wife are living it up, always trying new things and seeing new sights. My sister and her husband are settling in now, enjoying their house and their dog. Di Be finally has a piece of paradise to call her own, bless her soul. Khoa texted my mom the other day, saying that he's heading up north for a business trip. Chi Hien went to visit our family in Norway last month and returned with some delicious chocolates. Anna and Jess are still here, but are starting to get ready to get back to SB and SD for college. Amery seems to be happy with Mark, and I'm glad for the both of them. Michelle seems to have found someone, too, good for her. Even that lying, deceiving s-word that I had a one-nighter with the other month is talking to someone now.

And me? I'm still standing here, in the same spot, watching the world pass me by. I still don't know what I want to major in, what I want to do when I grow up. I have so much growing to do still. I've taken my chances at love, but they never seem to work out. Not giving up, though, and not going to bother putting up walls, because I'll never know who the right one for me is if I never let anyone in. I want to put our family back together. I want to put the love back into my heart, but I feel as if everyone around me is content with the way things are. With so much going on in everyone's lives, nobody has the time to stand here with me.

I know and feel as if this isn't about me. I want to put our family back together not just for me, but for all of us. I know I can't be the only one feeling this way. I want to rekindle my past loves, for reasons I cannot explain. Part of me feels like I'm always the guy who is just "there". I've always been the guy that my friends - especially the girls - came to if they ever needed relationship advice or a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk to. I feel as if people enjoy talking to me and being around me, but I'm never really a priority - the party goes on, with or without me. I've never been the star of the show, never the one in the spotlight. Part of me wishes that I were, but another part of me has grown to accept and be okay with that.

Life is precious, and there is so much more to life than me and my needs. I feel as if I belong to something greater, that I'm meant to be part of a greater good, and while I'll never rid myself of my own desires and feelings, at the very least, I can learn to accept things for what they are. There are some things in life you just can't change. And on the other hand, I can also learn to recognize when and where I can truly make a difference in the big picture.

I can sit here for hours and continue typing, pouring these memories and emotions out, trying to paint a picture of who I am, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm just another soul, looking for a place where I belong - just like you.

body heat

I've been tossing and turning for the past half hour or so, trying to get some shut-eye but to no avail. It is just too damn hot here! To make matters worse, the only clean pair of boxers that I had left are made out of some pretty thick cotton, which is great for keeping warm during the cold months but it's absolutely killing me right now. I don't know why I brought this pair.


Adding to my "To Buy" list: a pair of silk boxers, so I can keep cool.

eat some cucumbers

Only because some Filipino guy in a suuuuuper nice Evo IX pulled up next to us at an intersection today with this song playing hella loudly and a Hundreds sticker in the rear window (I would see/hear that in LA, haha) and because Huy and I hella make fun of the way he says "HIIII" when he starts the first verse, LOL.

master-craft

Leaving for SoCal in less than three hours and I haven't packed yet. Well, no point in sleeping now, is there?

I spent the past hour or two talking to my friend Paul, mostly about gaming. I guess you can say that I'm kind of in a slump, mostly because I have no one to play with anymore. All of my old WoW guildmates quit - Dave, Eugene, Dom, Jarrod, all of them. Lately I've been playing a lot of Starcraft II, but just the campaign, but soon I'll be done with that and I'll have to decide whether or not I want to get into competitive play, which scares me to no end since I've never played an RTS competitively before. I haven't played BC2 seriously in probably over a month now, and I'm rusty as hell, although its still fun once in awhile, even if I'm just playing with randoms.

I did feel a little bit better when I hopped on WoW earlier to find someone to do 2s with just to cap points for the week before I leave to SoCal. I ended up partnering with a rogue, and then after about ten games or so he switched to his holy paladin. Overall, not a bad night; got our rating up to 1380-something, almost 1400. The best thing that came out of this, though, was that he told me that he's been playing the game since day 1, and that I'm one of the best warriors he's ever played with. What do you know - I guess I still have it in me, after all.

Something about making the leap from casual play to competitive play is seriously terrifying to me...probably because I always feel as if I'll be inadequate, especially being in the best PvP battlegroup in the world and having so much competition against so many great players, many of whom are sponsored and play at the pro level. Then again, I'll never know how good I can be at this game until I try. I think I'll find myself a PvP guild as soon as I return from my trip and really get down to business and see how high of a rating I can push.


Until then, gaming will be the last thing on my mind, because in a couple of hours, I'll be saying goodbye to good ol' San Jose and giving a great, warm "HELLOOOOOO" to sunny Southern California <3.

=X

I'm eating leftover french fries from Cluck's right now. Probably not a good idea to eat this late at night, but oh well...

Cute girls are almost always too good to be true. And before anyone goes off on me, I will agree that personality is a very important factor when it comes to this type of thing, but I'd be lying if I said that looks aren't the first thing I notice about a girl. I mean, hey, it's only natural, right? Anyway, back to the subject at hand: it seems as if there's always a "catch" whenever you meet someone who happens to catch your eye - maybe they're still heartbroken over an ex, or perhaps they just want a fling/FWB type of thing, or they're totally the psychotic stalker type, or they're really into cats, or whatever the case may be. It seems as if nothing is ever black and white, and that there's always something in the way.

Sometimes I think life would be a whole lot easier if we all wore post-it notes on our foreheads that let other people know exactly who we are and what we're looking for in a relationship. Mine would say something along the lines of, "fun-loving and adventurous Asian guy looking for companionship; must like to eat, be able to hold a conversation over a cup of coffee or two, go on hikes, and take long walks on the beach at sunrise; good sex is a bonus but by no means a necessity".


If only life were that simple. 'twas a good night tonight, though.

durrrty

Things I've done lately (in no particular order):
-Got Fantasia (duh)
-Burned new CDs for my car
-Watched Spongebob + Fresh Prince for the first time in ages
-Tried gumbo for the first time! Thanks Anna + Jess
-Watched Drumline, LOL
-No more school = sleep at 6 A.M., wake up at 3 P.M. @_@
-"Job hunting"
-Added more dubstep to my music collection...oh noes
-Watched a LEGIT Vietnamese movie with my parents, for once
-Had what was quite possibly the worst bowl of pho ever
-PEPPER LUNCH <3
-I vacuumed my rooms and changed my sheets last week (but they're getting dirty again)
-Renewed my interest in techno/trance/hard trance/dance/xcore...kiiiinda
-Washed my car along with both of my parents' cars
-Played A LOT of Starcraft 2
-Kinda neglected WoW =X
-Met new people!
-Went to Applebee's for the first time
-Tried jello shots for the first time...meh.
-Burnt my clutch...
-Trespassed onto private property
-Caught up with some old buddies
-Got my new passport in the mail, holla!
-Found out that I'm going to SoCal with my parents this weekend (HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY)

On my "To Do" list:
-Get a haircut
-Pick up a new pair or two of khaki/cargo shorts
-Check my HIDs, siiiigh
-Get a damn job.
-Satisfy my immense craving for chocolate, mmmm
-Get glad. (hah)
-Get diamond league (hah x2)
-Get BF3 (oksrsly, only two more months AND I CANNOT WAIIIIIT)
-Do a minor overhaul of my gaming setup...new mechanical keyboard, mouse, speakers, video card and possibly an aftermarket CPU fan as well as a monitor
-Plan out SoCal trip (anyone wanna goooooo?!)
-Get a TV in my room like I've been telling myself to do for the longest time
-OIL CHANGE
-Clean room (again)
-Cluck's
-Fix my iPod
-Make a new video, or two
-GO ON ADVENTURES/AUDE SAPERE


Despite my ever-growing To-Do list, I feel pretty productive! I'd go on and on and on, but Starcraft is calling, soooo...

NR.

This is one of those songs that just gets to me, because honestly, it pains me to see people with their walls so high.



I suppose it's understandable, though. The other month, I "fell" for a girl who doesn't believe in love - or at least that's what it seems like to me. We talked, hung out, got to know each other (you know, "the usual"), and right off the bat, everything just seemed to click; its an indescribable feeling, and I feel foolish every time I try to put into words the way that you feel when you meet someone and things are just rolling, wheels in motion, top of the world...I could go on and on, but I'm sure you know what I mean. It is, simply put, one of the deepest, most euphoric feelings that one could possibly feel.

But as in any story, things must always take a turn for the worst, and just when I thought that we might have possibly had a chance at turning one night of lust into countless days of love, the ugly truth reared its head, bore its fangs, and bit me square in the ass. "I'm not looking to date anyone seriously right now," is what it said to me, and the next thing I knew, I couldn't see; it was as if someone had literally siphoned all the light out of this world and locked it away in some magical black box, somewhere out there in the cosmos. I was at a loss for words.

While we were talking, we shared our past relationship experiences with each other. I found out she, like I, had been deeply hurt in the past, among other similarities that we had. The difference between her and I, however, is that while I had kept my head up throughout the struggles and approached my next potential lover with both my arms and my heart wide open, willing to take the risks and ready to embrace all the ups and downs that we may possibly endure, she sealed herself off from the world, keeping to herself, nursing the wounds left by her previous object of affection and letting the memory of him chain her to the wicked notion that great love only brings greater pain.

Needless to say, things didn't work out between us. To this very day, I still ask myself, "Why? Why do people build their walls so high? Not just her, but everyone else around me, too?". It is a question that I already know the answer to, because I've been there and done that myself as well; we do so because we are scared, petrified that the next person we decide to open our hearts to will only end up crushing it like the last one did. But the way I see it, why should we let our last get in the way of our next? Why is it that we let the emotional malaise of our past cockblock (for lack of a better term) any chance of happiness that we may have?

I, too, have built these walls, once upon a time. But no more. I don't believe in them. I don't need them. Whatever or whoever approaches me, I will come right back towards it and meet them head-on with every intention to see things through to the end and leave with no regrets or unsaid words left on the table. Some may call me naive, others will say that I'm reckless, but to that, I only have one response: life is short, and you'll never know how things will end up if you don't try. While you may be protecting yourself from yet another heartbreak, you could also be missing out on what may potentially blossom into a wonderful, loving relationship that you'll never see, all because you're too caught up in the past. And wouldn't that be such a shame...

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this right now. The hopeless romantic in me says that she'll somehow serendipitously come across this post and eventually come back, but the thinker and the realist in me tells me that its all over. I think I just really need a place to let it all out, put it all down. And while I'll never quite know whether or not I'll ever have any contact with her again, if we'll ever become even just friends again, at least I'm sure of one thing: before we went our separate ways, I poured out my heart to her, laid my cards on the table, and came straight, no BS, no games, and if nothing else, at least I can say that I tried.



Because life is too short to be wondering, "What if...?"

MIND = BLOWN

SERIOUSLY.

Shoot, I'm supposed to be studying for finals right now, but I was scrolling down my Facebook news feed and this caught my eye. This has got to be one of the coolest things I have ever seen on this show; most of the acts that are featured...well, aren't very extraordinary. Seriously, I get a little irked every time I see another singer audition, because if I wanted to hear some great singing, shouldn't I just watch American Idol instead? Anyway, I don't even like dubstep all that much, but I felt that the song was a great fit for the theme of the performance, and mad props to the software engineer for coming up with this concept, not to mention how incredibly daunting it must be to perform such a crazy choreo in the dark. I'm hoping they'll win this thing!

Lighter Than Air

Trance-mode, activated. Mirage is such an amazing album. I can't believe it took me this long to get it. This is my studying music, getting ready to knock this damn final out of the ballpark!

Gilroy Garlic Festival

I'm about to work out early for once so that I can focus on studying for finals as soon as I get home from dinner tonight, but before I go, here's some pictures from the Gilroy Garlic Festival this past Saturday.


Garlic Man!




Lines fo dayzzz








Soooo much food...






Garlic ice cream is disgusting!!




This chick was hella gettin' down by herself, hahahah


The walk back.



Alright, time for a run, followed by washing my mom's car and then SmokeEaters!

e-nglish

I was having a conversation with my friend Eric earlier and somehow we ended up talking about some of the oddities that we've noticed online over the years.

ericxthexazn: lol
ericxthexazn: oops
ericxthexazn: suppose to be caps
ericxthexazn: LOL

SJ Lazy Boy: LOL

SJ Lazy Boy: I knew it
SJ Lazy Boy: Isn't it funny how
SJ Lazy Boy: if you say
SJ Lazy Boy: LOL
SJ Lazy Boy: It implies that you find something amusing
SJ Lazy Boy: but if you say
SJ Lazy Boy: lol

ericxthexazn: its just whatever

SJ Lazy Boy: It implies that you are indifferent
SJ Lazy Boy: or mad
SJ Lazy Boy: or upset
SJ Lazy Boy: LOL

ericxthexazn: exactly

ericxthexazn: LOL

SJ Lazy Boy: How the fuck does that work

ericxthexazn: no clue

ericxthexazn: its like

ericxthexazn: to end a conversation with someone on facebook, all you have to do is like their last comment
SJ Lazy Boy: LOLLLLL

SJ Lazy Boy: SO FUCKING TRUE

It's weird...but it's true! Hahah, just an observation.

posted

Man I am tiiiiiiiiired.

My good friend Amery made this for me as a 17th birthday present, but for some reason I never hung it up until about a month ago. Actually, I'm surprised that I still have it. A little while after we stopped "talking", I decided to throw out all of the things that reminded me of her: all the posters, letters, notes, even my old cell phone! Somehow, I must have missed this, because I stumbled upon it while cleaning out my closet, and since I'm no longer bitter about what happened - we're actually on good terms now and we talk, from time to time - and because it's such a nice painting, well, I decided to hang it up. This (along with a picture of her, which I also must have missed) is the only thing that I have left.

Anyway, today was a gooooooooood day. I ended up sleeping around 4:30 A.M. last night and waking up around 9:30 A.M. this morning. My family and I went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival, which was a new experience for all of us. Never before have I had so much garlic all at once, and never again will I...garlic ice cream is seriously disgusting. As we piled into the car to head home, six hours later, we all agreed that while it was a unique experience for us, we would probably never come back. I mean, seriously! It cost $15 per person to get in and each food dish that they served was anywhere from $5-10, which means that you'll be spending a lot of money just to try everything, not to mention waiting in some of the longest lines I've seen since my Disneyland trip two years ago. At the end of the day, all I got was a slightly-more-empty wallet, a breath reeking of garlic, and a nasty sunburn.

We arrived home around 5:30, and I immediately flopped onto my bed and K.O.'d. Around 7, my parents left to a party and my sister and her husband went to a bar to catch up with some old friends, so I hit Randy up to see if he wanted to go get steak fries with me; that guy is always down for anything, I swear. After chowing down on perhaps the most delicious carne asada fries I've had in years, we met up with Huy and his cousin at Great Mall, then "caravan'd" to Fantasia, where we got some delicious boba and just kicked it for a few hours. Saw some eye candy, too! We're hella dumb when it comes to thinking of ways to meet girls, fo-rilz. In the end, none of us ended up saying anything. I'm just not the type to go up to a random girl and try to generate a conversation out of thin air! Seems a little creeper-ish to me...but maybe one of these days, I'll learn to let go of my self-consciousness and just go for it. Maybe. But damn, something about girls in leather jackets...

Well, that's all for now. Not a bad second-to-last-day-of-the-month, if I may say so myself. I'm taking tomorrow "off" from blogging and will probably end up doing a lot of sleeping, lounging around the house watching movies on TV, and of course, eating. Maybe cruise around Milpitas for a bit, if the girls are up for it? Whatever happens, tomorrow will be chill, because I said so.


Pz!

The Time Traveler's Wife

Just watched it for the first time with my family, and even though I missed out on a good chunk of it, it was an overall enjoyable experience. I'm not usually into these sort of movies, but I have to admit, this one was really profound. It gave me a reminder of how fleeting love really is and of the unpredictability of life in general. Still, just because something comes and goes doesn't mean that nothing good can come out of it, and more often than not we're left with mementos of the good times and cherished moments that we once had. I guess, in a way, we're all time travelers. One minute we're reflecting on the past, pondering why things turned out the way they did, and the next minute we're leaping ahead into the future, engulfed by the countless possibilities that lie ahead. Just thinking about it gives me the jitters.


Garlic festival in the morning. I should really get some sleep (hah)!

drowning

The human brain works in mysterious ways, and perhaps nothing about it is more intriguing than the way in which it helps us to remember certain things - or is it the heart that holds these memories dear? At any rate, I've always considered myself to have a fairly adept sense of retaining information, but there was a time in my recent life which I remember with astute clarity, better than most instances.

*****

Another day, another lecture. On most days, I trudged aimlessly across campus, going from classroom to classroom, but with no real direction. However, I had been feeling a little more spirited than usual as of late, and on these particular days, a jolly spring was underneath my every step. My steps slowed, and with it, my breathing. My eyes became more accustomed to the blazing light emanating down from the sun; no longer did I feel blinded by it, but instead, illuminated. I had noticed things that I normally wouldn't catch before. The flap of a butterfly's wings, its majestic motions as it carried itself amongst the winds; budding flowers, yearning for the sky; the way the crown of the sun broke upon the horizon at around 5:15 A.M. every morning, sending streaks of red-orange across the sky and through the gaps in my blinds. I had begun to appreciate the beauty of the world around me, and it was as if someone had placed a disco ball inside my soul, or placed a brightly colored lampshade around every source of light in the world. Its warmth was unlike any other.

You had wished me a happy birthday not too long ago, and told me that you hoped I wasn't working that day, to which I responded by thanking you and telling you that I had requested that day off. My mind (or heart, if you will) raced back to the thoughts I held from my fall quarter of college, when I was entering yet another unknown world, one that had me at the mercy of a sea of unfamiliar faces. Yet amongst these faces, it was yours that had always stuck out the most. Something about the gleam in your eyes and that radiant smile kept my eyes glued to you. I could tell by the way that you asked your neighboring classmates where the restroom was and then brushed it off, pretending like you didn't need to go anymore when really you just had no idea how to get around campus, that you were just like me: young, lost, and a little confused, but at the same time, eager for adventure and seeking new horizons.

Oh, little did I know what would become of us as I gazed upon your magnificent form from across the classroom, hoping for a chance at some interaction, however trivial it might be, but that chance never came. Or perhaps it did, and I let it slip, who knows? But soon enough, I found myself in your presence once again the following quarter. Maybe it was fate, or perhaps just pure coincidence, but whatever the reason, I was glad for the time being to be near you once again. And, as if an invisible steel cord was tightly wound around my windpipe every time you came near, I found myself unable to express this intrigue I had for you, this desire to unravel you, pick apart your mind, learn who you were, not physically, but on a spiritual level. I wanted nothing more than for you to reveal and share your essence with me, to see if perhaps it would find some comfort and well-being with mine. My deepest desire was for you to illuminate my world with color.

*****

Little did I know that you would be the type to take it away, as well. And now, after you've slithered your way into bed with me, clawed your way through to my heart, and crushed it with meaningless kisses, there is only black and white.

Well, fuck you then.



(I swear I'm not depressed, writing is just very therapeutic for me.)

Luv(sic)

Sitting at my desk, early summer morning, doing some homework when this song came on; I've had it in my library for the longest time, but haven't actually heard it until now. Chills up my spine. Deep breaths. Thoughts racing, but I'm still here. And suddenly, things don't seem so bad anymore. Time passes, and so do feelings. You're gone, but I'm glad to have had you. Memories live on and stars continue to shine, whether or not they ever cross or be aligned. And before we know it, things will be brand new again.

Rest In Beats, Nujabes.

no sleep

This has been the theme song to my life for the past month or so.

So it looks like this night life/no sleep lifestyle has finally caught up to me, because I woke up around 2 P.M. yesterday with my head throbbing and my throat feeling like somebody shot a flamethrower through it. I haven't been this sick in quite awhile! My day consisted of laying on the couch watching movies and sleep, lots and lots of sleeeep. I actually just woke up around 9 or so.

Luckily for me, my immune system is pretty damn strong, if I may say so myself, because I feel tons better than I did when I woke up yesterday afternoon! My internal body temperature is almost normal, my headache isn't quite as bad, and my throat feels like its ready for a big bowl of pho or something, hahah. The only thing that's bugging me right now is my stomach, which has been aching for the past couple of hours; its fine if I'm sitting or laying down, but as soon as I stand up, the pain kicks in. Must've been something I ate...

Right now Kris is telling me a story on AIM, and I just killed about 3/4ths of my battery from talking on the phone with my good friend. I'm kind of hungry, I think I might eat a bowl of cereal. All in all, I'm pretty energetic right now! I'll probably end up staying up until 4 or 5 again, even though I probably shouldn't. I feel like watching some kung-fu movies, lol. Late!