discovery

Major ramblin' incoming. It's about time, too. This will probably be one of my longest posts ever; sorry to the, like, 2 people who read my blog.

First of all, damn you Facebook for implementing the "On this day in 2010..." feature, which shows you what your status updates said exactly a year ago. What did I say on August 16th, 2010? "Sushi in Daly City, Sprinkles at Stanford Shopping Center, Counseling 100, and a late-night Starbucks run. Not a bad way to start the week, not at all."And indeed, that was a very relaxing and needed day, but it also saddens me that I haven't had many of those days lately. Allow me to elaborate...

I miss it, so, so much. I don't know what "it" is. "It" isn't just one thing, it's many - people, places, the things I saw and the emotions I felt. My days have been gray as of late, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to be excited about things. Is this what college does to a man? I say this all the time, because its true: over the past year, I've been more productive than ever. I've gotten my first job, my first car, started college, met new people, and learned a little about what its like to live as an adult with expenses to pay and responsibilities to attend to. I've succeeded, for the most part, in the progression of myself as a fully-functioning individual in today's society. But, quite simply, that isn't enough for me.

I often reminisce upon the days of yore, thinking back to when I was just a youngling, eager to see the world and not yet exposed to the realities of the world. Sometimes I think that by doing this, I'm just being irrational and attempting to relive my childhood - and maybe I am. But so much has changed since then, and I can't help but to feel lost amidst it all.

My family...we don't appear to be as close anymore. My mom retired a few months ago, and I'm really glad for her, because after twenty-five plus years of hard work just to put food on the table, lord knows she deserves it. My dad is hard at work, as always. My sister got married in May, and I'm terribly happy for her and her husband, the airline pilot. They've settled down in Signal Hill with their own place and all, just the two of them and our lovely family dog, Archie. My brother and his wife are still living large in Burbank, making insane amounts of bank and enjoying what LA has to offer. But despite our individual successes, I feel as if we're no longer a family...my brother, for some reason, has an extreme dislike for San Jose, and absolutely refuses to come home for the holidays, which means that my parents and I have to head down south to be with them. And my sister, now that she's a happily married woman, will be spending more time with her husband's family for the holidays, which means that she may not be around as much anymore.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I was still a chubby kid, always eager for the holidays because it meant that my siblings would come home. We would all gather in the kitchen and help my mom and my aunts cook...mashed potatoes, that was my brother's specialty. Every year, it would be a surprise; he would decide to throw in some garlic cloves, or maybe a bit of sour cream or butter, and some chives on top. And egg salad, that was always my sister's responsibility, just a simple mixture of potatoes, eggs, and mayonnaise. Stuffing was my thing, because it was the easiest to make, but also my favorite. We would pull out the big rectangular tables and put three or four of them together so there was enough room for everyone - sometimes we had nearly thirty people at dinner! - and we would turn on the radio and just listen to some holiday tunes while my dad would take pictures and my uncles would record us eating and hanging out. After dinner, we would just sit around, basking in our gluttony, and watch some TV, look through the black friday ads, and just talk and laugh with each other. There was always tons of desserts, too: pumpkin pie, jello, cream puffs, you name it.

I think the best part, for me at least, was eating the leftovers with my siblings the following morning. Something about holiday food tastes better after its been in the refrigerator overnight and then taken out and reheated. We would usually be up by 10 or 11 and just eat with each other while watching TV, usually football or some cartoons. My brother would always have tons of DVDs (some of which belong to me now), so we always had something to watch. These were such heartwarming moments of my life, and it saddens me that we may never have something like this again, now that my brother never wants to come home and my sister has her own things to do with her husband. I don't even know where I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I know it's not for quite some time, but it scares me to think that our family might be apart yet again this year...

I feel a little guilty for refusing to go on vacation with my parents. I was in the car the other night with my parents, my brother, and my sis-in-law, on our way to downtown Burbank to grab some coffee after dinner. My parents were talking about possibly going to New York or Chicago sometime in September, before I start school again, but my siblings were telling them how they probably can't come with because they have work and whatnot and can't take time off. I jumped into the conversation and told my parents that I don't want to go if my siblings aren't going because I'll probably be bored. And it's true - god knows I love my parents to death and want to spend time with them, but I'm the kind of person who seeks adventure and wants to see everything that he can. I like traveling, and being on the move. My parents? They're the type of people to walk slowly everywhere, taking in the sights, never in a rush to get anywhere. I feel so conflicted about this; I know they're getting older, and I should spend time with them, but I feel as if I'll seriously be held back if I go with them. I need to go with someone younger, someone like me, someone that fits my lifestyle, and if it's just my parents and I, I probably will be pretty bored and end up waiting for them most of the time. I hope that they don't take this the wrong way, and I really hope that they end up going somewhere. For as long as I remember, they've never been on a vacation without me. I just feel as if they should take some time out for themselves for a bit and spend time with each other, go somewhere romantic, and I hope they realize that I'm on my way to becoming a man and that I'll be fine at home without them. And I, too, have my own adventures to go on, so its not as if I'll be sitting at home moping around waiting for them to come back or anything.

This past weekend, I was in Southern California. I love it to death, but lately, I haven't been having much fun there. Maybe its because I've seen a lot of it already, so nothing is really "new". I spent most of my weekend with my brother and my sis-in-law in Burbank and LA, which was cool. They took me to get some tacos for lunch and then to this outdoor village where we did some window-shopping. After that, we headed over to a bar/lounge type of place, where their friend was DJing. I think I'm in love with the LA lifestyle. Up here in the Bay Area, the only people you ever see wearing brands like Stussy and Supreme are kids my age, trying to show off, but down in LA, a lot of people wear these things, including a lot of older people. You can really tell that these older people don't just wear it, but they live it as well. For them, its not a fashion statement, its a lifestyle. Anyway, the bar was cool. I didn't get carded, so the whole time my brother was handing me beer, and we just drank and chilled and played dominos while our friend was DJing, putting on a Wu-Tang Clan set.

LA is cool, but I think I miss the other areas of SoCal, though. I haven't really spent time in Orange County for the past year or so. I miss my great-aunt Di Be so much. I can't believe its been over a year since she passed away. That woman was amazing; even in her old age, she was as tough as nails and enjoyed life to its fullest. I remember when my cousin (her daughter) decided to come home with a dog, a black lab mix - boy, that thing was out of control! I spent countless nights at their house, only to be awoken by the sound of Rox barking and growling at absolutely nothing. Di Be was the only one who could ever get that dog to shut up, hahah. I miss my cousins Anh Khoa and Chi Hien. I can't imagine what life is like for them...they're still young, only in their thirties, and to live without parents must be terrifying.

I must have gone to SoCal at least twenty times last summer and the summer before that, and I spent so many nights at Khoa's house. That guy knew how to live it up. He covered up two windows on the second story of his apartment (aka the bachelor pad, haha) with boxes of liquor bottles, creating an "alcohol mosaic". It was pretty neat. We would always do the most random stuff; I remember my first time sitting in his Porsche. We were driving down the street to the KFC parking lot so that he could meet up with this guy he found on Craigslist who wanted to buy his laptop. We would often get some bomb-ass grub for dinner - a lot of Boiling Crab or Kyochon Chicken, a lot of finger food - and crack open a few ice-cold Coronas and just pig out. And in the afternoons, we would head down to the pool and go for a swim and then just lay back on the pool chairs, getting our tan on with a couple of beers in hand, and cigarettes for him. I never smoked, nor do I ever plan to. I do enjoy a good beer every now and then. I hate drinking with the intention of getting wasted. I like drinking when its just to chill and hang out, which is why I like beer. Plus it tastes great with most food.

The other year, I went to Disneyland with a close friend of mine right before senior year started. We stayed at Khoa's house, and at the time Di Be was staying there as well. I remember being awoken by that stupid dog on the morning of our first day to be spent at Disneyland, and I found that Di Be went to the market early in the morning before we were even awake so that she could get food and snacks for us to bring into Disneyland <3 Thank you. It's a weird feeling, coping with death. Di Be was the first person to pass away in my family that I really knew and was close to. I didn't cry a single tear at her funeral, but for the first time I saw my sister and my sister-in-law reduced to tears, a truly saddening sight. At the time, I remember asking myself over and over why I didn't cry. I thought something was wrong with me. It's not that I don't miss her, because I do, more than anyone knows, but I think I was able to accept it, just take it in. Her death was not a surprise, by any means; she had been struggling with cancer for the longest time, and it was only a matter of time before she passed. But knowing her, the strong, resilient woman that she was, I feel as if she lived as full of a life as anybody in my family, and I know that she's in a better place now. Rest in peace, Di Be <3

That Disneyland trip was really something, though...I've been meaning to go back, but it also has to be under the right circumstances. At the time that I went to Disneyland, it was just me and a friend of mine, and we had such an amazing time. But what really put the cherry on top for me was the fact that I had somebody to love. I guess you can say that I was "talking" to someone back then, my friend Amery. As much as I enjoyed being at Disneyland, I enjoyed talking to her just as much; she would constantly text me, asking me what ride I'm going on next or when I'm going to come home, telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me and that she can't wait until I'm back home, and occasionally call as I was waiting in line to get onto a ride or to get some food, just to say hi and "check up" on me.

As stupid and irrational as this sounds, I feel like if I were go to Disneyland now, with my wounded and scarred heart and without someone to love, it wouldn't be the same. It's the same reason I chose not to go to my senior prom; I could have found a date if I wanted to, for sure, but I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted my prom to be a night spent with someone truly special to me, not just any girl I decide to ask out. And yeah, if I go to Disneyland now, I'll have fun on all the rides and everything, sure - but it won't be the same. I won't have someone waiting for me at home. I won't have someone in my heart, knowing that she loves me as much as I love her. I'll be at the happiest place on earth, but I won't be as happy as I could truly be. Or at least that's what I believe, which is why I'm saving that Disneyland trip for someone special - whenever that happens. Can't rush things, though, right? It just stinks being third wheel all the time.

I'm a little scared about the upcoming months. Lately I've been hanging out a lot with a group of friends, consisting of my childhood homies Anna and Jessica (who's dad is best friends with my dad, so we're practically like family to each other), their boyfriends David and Christian, respectively, and then our friend Randy, and then me. Randy and I are the "third wheels", so to speak, but we don't really mind. I dunno what I'd do without him, and he texted me the other week when he was at Fantasia with Anna and David, telling me that he needs me and he hella feels like a third wheel, LOL. Slight bromance between us I guess. But forreals, I'm worried - Jessica is moving to SD in 10 days and Anna is going to go back to SB in September. I dunno what we're going to do without the girls, or if we'll even hang out anymore. Randy and I will probably be pretty close still, but other than that, I just don't know. I haven't really hung out with anyone else lately. Most of my other friends have their own things going on or their own groups of friends that they hang out with. Me, I'm the type of guy who's down for anything, anytime, just waiting for people to hit me up to go out somewhere.

Looking at the people around me...I feel as if everybody has become so successful. Everyone has grown and done so much. My mom is now happily retired. My dad is still hard at work, making more bank. My brother and his wife are living it up, always trying new things and seeing new sights. My sister and her husband are settling in now, enjoying their house and their dog. Di Be finally has a piece of paradise to call her own, bless her soul. Khoa texted my mom the other day, saying that he's heading up north for a business trip. Chi Hien went to visit our family in Norway last month and returned with some delicious chocolates. Anna and Jess are still here, but are starting to get ready to get back to SB and SD for college. Amery seems to be happy with Mark, and I'm glad for the both of them. Michelle seems to have found someone, too, good for her. Even that lying, deceiving s-word that I had a one-nighter with the other month is talking to someone now.

And me? I'm still standing here, in the same spot, watching the world pass me by. I still don't know what I want to major in, what I want to do when I grow up. I have so much growing to do still. I've taken my chances at love, but they never seem to work out. Not giving up, though, and not going to bother putting up walls, because I'll never know who the right one for me is if I never let anyone in. I want to put our family back together. I want to put the love back into my heart, but I feel as if everyone around me is content with the way things are. With so much going on in everyone's lives, nobody has the time to stand here with me.

I know and feel as if this isn't about me. I want to put our family back together not just for me, but for all of us. I know I can't be the only one feeling this way. I want to rekindle my past loves, for reasons I cannot explain. Part of me feels like I'm always the guy who is just "there". I've always been the guy that my friends - especially the girls - came to if they ever needed relationship advice or a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk to. I feel as if people enjoy talking to me and being around me, but I'm never really a priority - the party goes on, with or without me. I've never been the star of the show, never the one in the spotlight. Part of me wishes that I were, but another part of me has grown to accept and be okay with that.

Life is precious, and there is so much more to life than me and my needs. I feel as if I belong to something greater, that I'm meant to be part of a greater good, and while I'll never rid myself of my own desires and feelings, at the very least, I can learn to accept things for what they are. There are some things in life you just can't change. And on the other hand, I can also learn to recognize when and where I can truly make a difference in the big picture.

I can sit here for hours and continue typing, pouring these memories and emotions out, trying to paint a picture of who I am, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm just another soul, looking for a place where I belong - just like you.