Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sweetness.

My, where has all the time gone...it seems just like yesterday that I was cruisin' through the city, car stuffed to the brim with friends, food, and the miscellaneous junk that the typical teenage girl has laying around in her whip. We chased horizons and snuck up on sunsets, and light found its way into every crevice and cranny. And now, everything seems to have faded into darkness.

Since I started school at the end of September, I've also started working part-time again, racking up more hours a week than I ever did in the past year, and while most days its just business as usual, last night was more "serendipitous" than most. Upon clocking in, I was met with a man hovering near the back door of the store, watching our every move like a hawk eying its prey; I suppose corporate decided that it was as appropriate a day as ever to send one of their suits to our store to see whether or not we were meeting our standards. Luckily, he was out of there within an hour or so, but not before bidding us good tidings for the holidays, to which we warmly wished him the same. I also had the impression that he saw something that piqued his interest. Am I getting too far ahead of myself here? Stop me before I consider the possibili...oh, too late.

Midway through my shift and shortly after the daily slam had started to hit us, the line going out the door and all, I gleefully stepped up to the counter-top and called out, "Next party in line!", to which I was graced with the presence of a being so captivating that I simply couldn't help but let my lips crack into a faint yet gentle smile as I spoke with her. I took note of her unusual appearance: a classy yet casual peacoat, a nose ring that would have looked like a fashion disaster on any other girl, teal peak-a-boos accenting her playfully shoulder-length & slightly unkempt hair (but not in a "wow-you-went-out-looking-like-THAT?" way) that seemed to perfectly compliment her in ways indescribable. It isn't often that I'm fortunate enough to have the luxury of helping a customer so pleasing to the eyes, and naturally, I let myself experiment and play a bit throughout the process, seeing if my warm words and genuine compassion would be reciprocated - and they were. And just like that, my night became a little less cold and a little more bright. It's amazing what a pretty face and a nice smile can do.

Later that night, I was visited by an old friend, who saw me working and decided to drop in and say hi. I'm surprised that she recognized me after all these years; actually, I'm surprised that she remembers me at all. And while the visit was mostly pleasant, I only wish that she hadn't brought up "that" incident which occurred some five months ago. Sometimes, the world has a funny way of reminding you of things which you desperately want to forget. It's as if its telling you something. But what? If only I knew.

Life may get me feeling pretty down-in-the-dumps every now and then, but there's always a reason to get up every morning and keep on. Sometimes, doing you is the hardest thing to do in the world, but in the end, there's no greater feeling.

The sun is finally shining again. I think its time for some pictures soon. Until then, dreams will have to do.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Cognitive Dissonance

My mind is in disarray. My senses are blurred. I feel as if I've been overcome by something, although I don't quite know what. Nights grow restless and I don't have the same pep and enthusiasm that I used to have waking up every morning, eager for a brand new day. It's been an odd couple of months. I probably appear desperate to some people. Maybe I am, who knows. It's been so long since I've gotten anywhere with anyone, and this burn inside my chest only grows day by day. I don't know what I want from you anymore. I need to dip.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Good Fortune.

Just my luck. I would get a date the day after I write an incredibly long-winded post about my past affairs.

Maybe I should complain more often.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Members Only.

Why am I still awake?

I was going to rant about how I (almost) came to the conclusion that all women are fickle creatures who are afraid of commitment, but then I realized that I know better than that. I guess I'm just frustrated with the way things have been going with the ladies as of late. Among the four or five objects of my affection over the past half a year or so, one only wanted sex, one never wanted sex, another was much too needy and overly obsessive, and the others all kind of just...moved on. Call me cocky (I call it confidence), but I'm just not used to striking out so often and so frequently. It's a different feeling, for sure. I'm also usually not this open about my current state of affairs, but its not like anyone reads this thing, anyway.

I haven't picked up my camera since...who knows when. School and work has consumed most of my time, and whatever time I have left over is spent huddled over textbooks, trying to get a head-start on the next week's assignments, bracing myself for a 24 hour+ workweek and being out and about for 12+ hours a day. At least the pay is (marginally) better than what I was making earlier in the year, and the people are friendly. I've made a lot of friends in a few of my classes. I feel as if I'm getting close to a breakthrough. I have no idea what I'm talking about or hinting at, but I just feel as if something big is around the corner.

I've seen her three...maybe four times in the past few weeks. Salt in the wounds. This bitch has the nerve to sweet-talk me, lead me to believe that she was genuinely interested in who I am as a person when all she really wanted was a little unf. It still stings, you know. Oddly, though, if it weren't for that one night, I don't think I ever would have become as open as a person as I am now. Sometimes I wonder if I've lowered my standards or reduced my moral and ethical well-being. At the end of the day, though, it's all in good fun. No one has to get hurt, and that's okay with me.

Being on campus after dark sure brings back memories. As the sun sinks below the terraces and the cheap, dingy amber-yellow lamps flicker to life, I can't help but mentally transplant myself back to last fall. My first quarter of college. I was a lost kid at the time, as many people were when they first began life after high school, but if there was some comfort to be found on that cold, dreary campus, it was in seeing her and knowing that someone else out there is in the same shoes. I would often linger near the door prior to and after class, and especially during breaks, hoping to get a glimpse of this stranger who at the same time carried with her an aura of familiarity, something that made me feel at home away from home. Day by day, I would look at her with endearing adoration, hoping for a chance at conversation; the day that we passed by each other and exchanged brief yet fervent smiles was perhaps one of the most blissful days of college I've had so far.

Too bad I didn't know that that was a "I wanna fuck your fucking brains out, let's fucking DO IT already" smile, and not a "Let's be friends, get to know each other, see if we can make something happen" smile.

My biggest quandary this summer was that an amazingly attractive girl wanted to have sex with me, and I didn't want to put out. First world problems, for sure.

Sometimes I wonder if I play hard-to-get or if I'm just plain hardheaded.

I really need to get some sleep.

Monday, November 7, 2011

winter kills

Well, what a weekend I've had.

Finding out that you're allergic to something is never fun, especially when you have to find out the hard way. Fuck you, crustaceans.

On the bright side, I did get a lot of shit done. Cut my hair. Got my paid. Did some lightweight maintenance on my car. Still need to sell these damn rims.

Time to eat some yogurt, watch some Simpsons, and get some sleep. School, werk, school, werk, repeat.

Wetness all around me, though. Good thing I know how to swim.


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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Big.

This could be big for me and you, we could do anything.

Something is different about me. Something has definitely changed. I'm not as shy as I once was, no longer reserved or fearful that the world is going to shoot me down every time I spread my wings. I'll take what I can get, but don't mistake that for being desperate; I like to think of it as being an opportunist. At any rate, this period of rapid growth has done wonders for my development into a fully-fledged & potentially realized person, and I tremble at the thought of what future challenges await me, not so much in fear, but more in eager anticipation and a "grab the bull by the horns" attitude. For now, I am satisfied, but soon enough, I shall hunger again; I've already had a little taste of what my future may bring, and the flavor lingers on my tongue still. But until then...I guess it wouldn't hurt to just sit down, relax, and enjoy what I've got.


Happy November.