Why am I still awake?
I was going to rant about how I (almost) came to the conclusion that all women are fickle creatures who are afraid of commitment, but then I realized that I know better than that. I guess I'm just frustrated with the way things have been going with the ladies as of late. Among the four or five objects of my affection over the past half a year or so, one only wanted sex, one never wanted sex, another was much too needy and overly obsessive, and the others all kind of just...moved on. Call me cocky (I call it confidence), but I'm just not used to striking out so often and so frequently. It's a different feeling, for sure. I'm also usually not this open about my current state of affairs, but its not like anyone reads this thing, anyway.
I haven't picked up my camera since...who knows when. School and work has consumed most of my time, and whatever time I have left over is spent huddled over textbooks, trying to get a head-start on the next week's assignments, bracing myself for a 24 hour+ workweek and being out and about for 12+ hours a day. At least the pay is (marginally) better than what I was making earlier in the year, and the people are friendly. I've made a lot of friends in a few of my classes. I feel as if I'm getting close to a breakthrough. I have no idea what I'm talking about or hinting at, but I just feel as if something big is around the corner.
I've seen her three...maybe four times in the past few weeks. Salt in the wounds. This bitch has the nerve to sweet-talk me, lead me to believe that she was genuinely interested in who I am as a person when all she really wanted was a little unf. It still stings, you know. Oddly, though, if it weren't for that one night, I don't think I ever would have become as open as a person as I am now. Sometimes I wonder if I've lowered my standards or reduced my moral and ethical well-being. At the end of the day, though, it's all in good fun. No one has to get hurt, and that's okay with me.
Being on campus after dark sure brings back memories. As the sun sinks below the terraces and the cheap, dingy amber-yellow lamps flicker to life, I can't help but mentally transplant myself back to last fall. My first quarter of college. I was a lost kid at the time, as many people were when they first began life after high school, but if there was some comfort to be found on that cold, dreary campus, it was in seeing her and knowing that someone else out there is in the same shoes. I would often linger near the door prior to and after class, and especially during breaks, hoping to get a glimpse of this stranger who at the same time carried with her an aura of familiarity, something that made me feel at home away from home. Day by day, I would look at her with endearing adoration, hoping for a chance at conversation; the day that we passed by each other and exchanged brief yet fervent smiles was perhaps one of the most blissful days of college I've had so far.
Too bad I didn't know that that was a "I wanna fuck your fucking brains out, let's fucking DO IT already" smile, and not a "Let's be friends, get to know each other, see if we can make something happen" smile.
My biggest quandary this summer was that an amazingly attractive girl wanted to have sex with me, and I didn't want to put out. First world problems, for sure.
Sometimes I wonder if I play hard-to-get or if I'm just plain hardheaded.
I really need to get some sleep.
I was going to rant about how I (almost) came to the conclusion that all women are fickle creatures who are afraid of commitment, but then I realized that I know better than that. I guess I'm just frustrated with the way things have been going with the ladies as of late. Among the four or five objects of my affection over the past half a year or so, one only wanted sex, one never wanted sex, another was much too needy and overly obsessive, and the others all kind of just...moved on. Call me cocky (I call it confidence), but I'm just not used to striking out so often and so frequently. It's a different feeling, for sure. I'm also usually not this open about my current state of affairs, but its not like anyone reads this thing, anyway.
I haven't picked up my camera since...who knows when. School and work has consumed most of my time, and whatever time I have left over is spent huddled over textbooks, trying to get a head-start on the next week's assignments, bracing myself for a 24 hour+ workweek and being out and about for 12+ hours a day. At least the pay is (marginally) better than what I was making earlier in the year, and the people are friendly. I've made a lot of friends in a few of my classes. I feel as if I'm getting close to a breakthrough. I have no idea what I'm talking about or hinting at, but I just feel as if something big is around the corner.
I've seen her three...maybe four times in the past few weeks. Salt in the wounds. This bitch has the nerve to sweet-talk me, lead me to believe that she was genuinely interested in who I am as a person when all she really wanted was a little unf. It still stings, you know. Oddly, though, if it weren't for that one night, I don't think I ever would have become as open as a person as I am now. Sometimes I wonder if I've lowered my standards or reduced my moral and ethical well-being. At the end of the day, though, it's all in good fun. No one has to get hurt, and that's okay with me.
Being on campus after dark sure brings back memories. As the sun sinks below the terraces and the cheap, dingy amber-yellow lamps flicker to life, I can't help but mentally transplant myself back to last fall. My first quarter of college. I was a lost kid at the time, as many people were when they first began life after high school, but if there was some comfort to be found on that cold, dreary campus, it was in seeing her and knowing that someone else out there is in the same shoes. I would often linger near the door prior to and after class, and especially during breaks, hoping to get a glimpse of this stranger who at the same time carried with her an aura of familiarity, something that made me feel at home away from home. Day by day, I would look at her with endearing adoration, hoping for a chance at conversation; the day that we passed by each other and exchanged brief yet fervent smiles was perhaps one of the most blissful days of college I've had so far.
Too bad I didn't know that that was a "I wanna fuck your fucking brains out, let's fucking DO IT already" smile, and not a "Let's be friends, get to know each other, see if we can make something happen" smile.
My biggest quandary this summer was that an amazingly attractive girl wanted to have sex with me, and I didn't want to put out. First world problems, for sure.
Sometimes I wonder if I play hard-to-get or if I'm just plain hardheaded.
I really need to get some sleep.
hey,it's really nice to read this coming from a guy. i'm basically in the same situation only i'm a girl. i'm just not meeting the right people, and i don't know why. i don't know anyone that is able to express themselves as well as you seem to, or anyone that has these feelings to begin with. anyway just want to say thnaks for making my day a little better. :)
ReplyDeletenatalie
Hey Natalie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to drop a comment on my page. I'm really glad to discover that there's someone out there who can relate to the life experiences that I've had as of late, and it's nice to know that there's comfort to be found in the confines of familiarity. I hope you get things ironed out in your situation, if it hasn't already passed. Thank you again, and have a pleasant day and a merry holiday season!
-mikey ツ