There are simply too many things on my mind at this moment, far too many things to say, to the point where any attempt at arranging these thoughts into a blocks of text in a uniform manner would be absolutely pointless. So, just as I do when I'm home alone and nobody's looking, generally in the shower: I'm just going to spit.
I'm glad that we had that lo(ooooooooo)ng talk today, to say the very least. It really has amazed me how much our communication has improved lately. No, not in the sense of talking to each other on a constant and consistent basis, but in how we communicate. Were this a few months ago, chances are you would have ripped me to pieces for even broaching the subject in the first place. Our newfound ability to have an open discussion with each other on this topic while keeping the tension and negativity to a minimum really amazes me, as well as the fact that you are now able to openly admit these feelings that you've held inside for so long. Thanks for a great effort!
I'd be a liar if I were to tell you that I am where I want to be right now, but I can't deny the fact that I'm content with the way things currently are. There's still much work to be completed and healing to be done, and we both know that's going to take some time. But as long as you know that you're not alone, that I've got your back when it comes to this, then I'm sure you'll be fine. And yeah, you can question his motives all you want, but I'm still absolutely positively certain that he still misses and feels for you.
And what about "us"? Quotation marks, because nobody really knows what's coming next. Nothing soon, obviously, but all scars heal with time. What's going to happen after yours patch themselves up? I don't know, but all I can say for sure is that I can help you through the healing process. I've been there and done that; I know what it feels like to be in your shoes (which I can probably fit if I try hard enough), but more importantly, I know what you need. Maybe it's not what you want as of now, but I know what you need, and it's not a question of "Can I provide it?", but rather, "Will you let me?", because I know damm well that I certainly can give it to you, pardon my French.
But no pressure, on the real! Forrest Gump's mother once told him that life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get. Ain't that the truth, Ruth? I have no expectations, but so much hope, hope that, as I told you earlier, has been in my heart for as long as I can remember, since the day that we began talking, fueling me day-by-day. You tell me you don't want me to get my hopes up, but the truth is, your presence in my life alone gives me more hope than you could ever imagine, and through no fault of your own, I'm feeling as high as a kite right now. Some may call me stupid, and others, blind; I prefer to think of myself as a dreamer.
I must admit that I am scared to death, literally shaking in my boots (Dora-less) to find out what life has in store for us next. What if it doesn't work out? Or if you never heal? What if there's no cure? Maybe I'll never become a famous musician, and you'll never become my paparazzi. But maybe, just maybe...there exists a small chance, miniscule, micro, SMALLER THAN ME, that things will work out for the better, for both of us. Well, I told myself that any chance I get, no matter how small it is, is worth taking. And right about here is where I stop attempting to turn these feelings into an elegant arrangement of words, because the sound of my heart pounding against my chest has just made me lose my train of thought. Well, you get the idea.
Really, you are something special. Pardon the sweet-talk, because you ain't even mine, but I have to say this: You are worth it. I told myself that nine months ago and I continue to tell myself that every day when I wake up, every night before I fall asleep. This may sound stupid, but I think I knew exactly how I felt about you ever since the very first time we met. It just took awhile for me to realize it. Well, whatever the case, I'm glad that I've made it this far. Do I want to go farther? Of course. But the simple fact that I have someone in my life to adore, someone who never gets tired of my pointless ramblings, a person whose eyes light up upon seeing pennies on the floor and who's big, big head is brimming with fun, fun stories to tell me each and every time we talk (and with such enthusiasm!), someone to take the first bite of the chocolate cake for me, and without even asking..I would continue, but my train of thought has just fallen off the tracks, AGAIN.
Well, I think I've made my point clear. All in all, I've got to say that my life is pretty damn good right now. I can't wait until Saturday. I'm also sleepy as ffffff, and terrible at ending blog posts these days, so goodnight!
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present."
Second to right haha.
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